Waking Up

I have encountered a new phenomenon that happens when I wake up.
I feel anxious. Like going to an audition sorta-kinda-not-really wanting to throw up anxious.
It happened every day when I woke up last week, and it happened through the weekend and it was here again today. Lovely. 

Last week I also consistently woke up with a Sea Shanty stuck in my head. Today I woke up with a "Dernnit it's only 6:30!!!!" and not being able to go back to sleep because of said stomach anxious feeling issues.
Yesterday at BRF (go see the post at Tales of Anne Drew), I also did not feel like eating ANYTHING. I would take a bite of something, be chewing it, and would feel absolutely sick. Then I would force myself to swallow and I'd be fine after a few seconds. My mother tells me that this is because of the heat. I think it sucks because I kind of need to eat to keep going through the BRF days.

But I will stop that rant and move onto what's been happening in the past week.
I got some hours at work! It's still not enough to keep me going all summer, and I have picked up some babysitting jobs, but I filled out 5 applications for various places and am praying that I get a job at one of these business establishments. Business Establishments....sounds so official, don't it?
Just to be clear- I love my job. I love the people I work with. I would be very happy if I could get a few more hours, but I don't think it's possible because I was told that the company cut back on the hours and I can't work weekends. I don't know, one of my fellow workers is leaving because she never got enough hours.

 Other than sorta working, I helped a lot around my house to pay of the gas money that I contribute as the carpool to BRF instigator. My family had a garage sale this weekend and I helped my mom sort out things, price things, and helped with the actual selling of things for a morning. It's nice to know that I won't actually have to pay for my gas from this weekend.
I also when to dance class after a two week break last Monday and it was great! I loved being back at it and I was on such a happy-high afterwards until I sat down on my train seat and was like "What did I just do?" Then I woke up sore and very happy on Tuesday. My other dance class starts this week on Thursday (I think). I'm hoping that it will be as good as the one that I took during the school year on Tuesday nights. 

I need to write more in my story. I have a problem because the part that I have to write is not the part that I want to be writing. Ergo I procrastinate. But the part that I need to be writing is very essential for certain character developments and relational standings. Still I am seriously procrastinating. This week I am aiming to get to a certain point in my writing.

Now it's almost the time that I thought I would wake up at. I think it's time to start getting the day going.

Dreams

I really do have the weirdest dreams.

It's rare that I dream about people that I know. It's even rarer that I have the same dream twice. Usually my dreams take on plots (that shift and change with the dreams). If people that I know show up, they don't always act like themselves. Places that I know like the back of my hand, suddenly are brand new. Most of the time my dream takes place somewhere I've never been but am totally familiar with.

Once I did actually have the same dream twice. When I was very little I had a dream where I was in this huge building (we'll call it a house, but I don't even know what type of building this would be). I wandered from room to room, and each room was pretty cool. I think one room had a dinosaur party with real dinosaurs, and one room was a gymnasium, etc.
Then I got to a room that was just a spinning swirl of blue and purple. There was a large black bulk in the room and I was really scared because I had no clue what that bulk was. I woke up and labeled the dream under "nightmares."
Years later, I was probably 11 or 12, I have the exact same dream. Same rooms, same everything (or enough of the same that I recognized when I woke up that it was that dream). Then I get to that blue swirling room.
The black hulk is replaced by a person! Guess who?
Floop. From spy kids. Random much? I woke up from that dream thinking "What the heck?" But that's not really a strange thing to have characters from books or TV or movies show up in my dreams.

My favorite dreams often have been about Robin Hood. I've had many Robin Hood dreams over the years spanning back to when I was pretty little. I blame the Ren Faire and Errol Flynn.
I also have had numerous dreams about and taking place in the Ren Faire. I've dreamed that I've lived there in a tree house before. I'm have sailing dreams, I've had flying dreams.

I've also had dreams where things in real life come to pass. Once, when I was sick I had a dream about a friend who was looking for me at the homeschool co-op I went to. They actually called me a short time later and asked where I was. Upon questioning (at a later time), I found out that they were wearing exactly what I had dreamed that they wore, and they had been looking for me in the exact places that I dreamed about.
This is just one example of a very rare occurrence. I do not usually dream about people and what they are doing in real life. The fact was that I knew that I hadn't told this friend that I was sick. I knew they would be looking for me, and based upon their dressing habits it wouldn't be too surprising that I actually got their clothing right in my dream.


The annoying thing is that when I dream about people that I know, they don't usually act like themselves in real life. So if they do act like themselves and do something....I don't know....NORMAL, I get mixed up and sometimes forget that the particular thing didn't happen in real life.
Last night I had a dream about being at the Ren Faire and talking to some people, and I found out that one of the veteran performers was going blind and wouldn't be able to perform for much longer. Now all of the people in my dream last night were real people. This does not usually happen. Second of all, the veteran performer is in very good health and I don't expect them to go blind any time soon. This is one of those "realistic" dreams that drive me bananas. I wake up feeling like the things that happened in my dream are facts, and then realize how absurd my dream was.

Funny how a dream about a person going blind is labeled and absurd dream, but a dream where I'm chased by death eaters in white robes through a banquet hall/office building until I'm trapped and can't rescue any of my friends is a "normal" dream.
By the way, that death eater dream was not labeled as a nightmare. My nightmares are extreme and vivid and I often have woken up and cried. Unless it's a bumble bee dream, then I wake up with a sore neck, paralyzed.
I haven't had a nightmare for a long time. I'm beyond thankful for that. There was a time where I hated sleeping because I had a nightmare every night. Horrible nightmares, think the worst nightmare you've ever had multiply it by five. I'd wake up around 3am and start sobbing until I calmed myself down and coaxed myself back to sleep for a few more hours.
Huh, that's probably why I was so keen on after lunch naps for a while.

All this to say, I woke up at 6am and couldn't fall back asleep so I decided to write a post about my weird dreams. Ask me to tell you about one of them sometime. They're actually pretty cool for the most part and I get a lot of story ideas from them.

BAPA- Day 1

Friday, I was terrified that I wouldn't be good enough. I was scared because I had no idea what the heck I was doing.
Here is an example of what was going through my head.

I feel sick. I can't wait to go to the potluck! GAHHHHH I"M GOING TO BE MEETING PEOPLE WHO I"VE WATCHED FOR YEARS!!!! Why am I doing this? I'm not talented like they are. They're amazing and I'm this little newbie who has NO IDEA what she's doing and can't improv to save my butt. This is going to be SO MUCH FUN!!!

If you have ever seen Tangled....watch the scene where she is freaking out about leaving her tower. That was really what was going on inside my head.

Thank goodness The Doctor came and went on a walk with me, I think I was driving my mom nuts.  I haven't been so nervous about anything since the audition for BRF.

So I get to the potluck and guess what- THESE PEOPLE ARE AMAZING!!!! Totally insane like me- only cooler! Seriously, these people are weird crazies. I can already tell that we're going to have the BEST times this summer.

Then this morning I drag my body out of bed at the unholy hour of 6am (ewwww). I leave my house at 7:45 so I can get to BAPA (Bristol Academy of the Performing Arts- it rhymes with Appa for you Airbender fans).
I get to BAPA at 8:30- WITH A STOP FOR COFFEE.....will someone tell me how I did that? It took me over an hour to get there on Friday, and less than an hour on Saturday. What does this say about the time I'm going to make driving up there tomorrow for rehearsal?

In short (cause you've got to jump over to Tales of Anne Drew to read about my BAPA day ((maniacal laugh)) today was SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!!!!

Now go read Anne's blog.

BNRC- Across the Universe

Book Nook Review Corner! 
Today's pick: Across the Universe
By: Beth Revis
3/5 Pens 

(Summary from Amazon) Fifty years before Godspeed's scheduled landing, Amy's cryo chamber is unplugged, and she is nearly killed.
Now, Amy is caught inside an enclosed world where nothing makes sense. Godspeed's passengers have forfeited all control to Eldest, a tyrannical and frightening leader, and Elder, his rebellious and brilliant teenage heir.
Amy desperately wants to trust Elder. But should she? All she knows is that she must race to unlock Godspeed's hidden secrets before whoever woke her tries to kill again.


To be honest, when I picked this book up, I couldn't help but hear the Beatles song (of the same title) playing in my head. Then I looked inside the cover, read the summary, and saw the quote from the a fore mentioned song. And after looking up the lyrics, the song works fairly well with the story. But back to why I like and don't like this book.

I liked the way it was written, you alternate between Amy's and Elder's perspectives. I've read a handful of books that take this approach and I think it can either show a lot of depth or totally wreck the book.

I'm a fan of a good dystopian novel. This had many elements that can make a fairly good one.
I'm also a fan of almost any retelling of Sleeping Beauty. Amy wakes up from a (almost) 300 year slumber, though not from a kiss. However, I like looking at this as a fairytale dystopian retelling that just happens to be in a Sci-Fi setting.
I was not very impressed with the Sci-Fi elements. Actually let me scrap that. I was impressed with the Sci-Fi elements because they were so "normal." Revis wrote them in so that you could understand how things worked and the "weird space stuff" was kept to a minimum. I mean, unless you're going to go all out Star Wars, Trekkie, or Firefly, sometimes I think subtle is the better way with Sci-Fi. There were no page-and-a-half descriptions of how things worked, simply because all of the technology was familiar in one way or another. Fingerprint scans, floppy disks (I know right?), simple medical terms without a lot of strange substances.
Everything was plausible, and that made it a little scary at times because I can see how that might work out in the future. Shudders.

The reason why the book only earned 3 out of 5 pens, is simply because I didn't like the characters. Eldest was a mediocre villain at best. Elder was a little too scattered for me to find any balance in his character- until the end when he seemed to get his act together (but only a little bit). Amy was good, but if the book had just been written from her perspective a LOT would have been left out.

My biggest peeve was that Revis totally threw in a character loop at the end that wasn't carried out well. If Eldest was a bit cheesy at times, this character was even cheesier with an extra helping of cheddar.

So every element was carried out well, and the characters (while a little wishy-washy at points) were well made. I think my biggest deal with this book was that it needed to be a touch more suspenseful, or a touch more romantic to make it work. It just didn't hold my interest for long. All in all, it's worth a read during a lazy summer day when you don't want to get too invested in something.

Bumpy Road

So I've been telling myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.
The next day I'd tell myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.
Then the next day I'd tell myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.

Needless to say- there's been a LOT of life going on. Some good, but lately I've been hit with a lot of conflicting stuff.


First point of Life- My old youth theater program split ways with the main company and now, while still holding the same values (essentially), it's a mess. No one knows what's going on and there is a ton of uncertainty. I'm slightly glad that I've graduated from this program and only teach there now and then.
Many good things happened in this theater group, and many challenging things. So there's a lot that I'm just waiting to "see what happens" on the subject. To be honest I'm tired of seeing all of the notifications on Facebook about this. I know it's important, but I feel like there's just too much confusion right now. Everyone needs to simmer down for a while.

Second point- I will not be working for two weeks. This week, and next week I am not scheduled for any hours. This is very worrisome. I'm supposed to be able to pay for gas to get to and from the RenFaire(See point 3). I was also hoping to accumulate some savings, and start paying for most of my expenses. Guess what's not happening?
This is probably the worst thing I am dealing with right now. I actually had to go into work and check the schedule. I started crying once I got back to the car.
I know the company has cut back on hours, but not getting any hours when I know my coworkers are getting 12-20 hours a week stinks. The only redeemable part of this is that my parents have agreed to let me do extra chores and stuff around the house to pay off my gas money. If my work hours keep up like this I'm going to need to find a new job.
I'm really praying hard about this. I don't know what to do. I know God's in charge and that he's going to take care of me, but I don't know what I am supposed to be doing right now. That annoys the heck out of me.

Third point- I'm starting RenFaire training and I'm scared stiff. I have no idea what I've got myself into. I'm gradually getting more and more terrified. Everything about the process has felt completely paralyzing, but at the same time, it feels like home. How warped is that?

Fourth point- I don't know if I'm going to be able to dance this summer at all. I don't know if I can take time out of my work schedule to dance. This makes me want to punch a wall.

The stupid thing is that I work so that I can have money to dance and participate in RenFaire. If I don't work- what gets eliminated? The dancing, RenFaire, or the work?

70x7

Matthew 18:21-23

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

 

Forgiving people is hard. 

 

I don't think of myself as one to hold grudges, I know several people who can hold grudges for years for some pretty insignificant things. I try to forgive people and let things go. 

There are several people I'm still in the process of forgiving. Various people for various things. Lying, breaking promises, bashing my dreams and chosen path, etc. The list is a little long. 

Some of these people used to be close friends that I had for years. Now, while they are still my friends and I still love them, it's hard to be around them when we've all changed. 

 

I was driving home from dance class on Tuesday and having my weekly car-talk with God. I use my 30-45min drive home to not listen to any music or radio and just talk to God. I don't feel silly because there's really no one else to hear me carrying on. I ask a lot of questions, thank God for what He's given me, prayed for my friends, sing praise songs (usually traditional hymns that I remember). 

This past Tuesday I asked why I can't forgive these people, I want to forgive them and I want to move past these things that are holding me back. 

Ever have those moments when God just speaks to you? Well, the words "Seventy times Seven" came into my head and made me think for a good portion of the drive. 

 

Forgiving people isn't about saying I forgive you and then letting everything go. I've tried to do that so many times. 

Forgiving people is making the choice to forgive them each time you think about how they wronged you. Seventy times seven equals four hundred and ninety. Let's take a look at that in numbers:

 

   70

x   7

 490  

 

I will have to forgive someone 490 times before I can truly let things go. I don't think I've even come close to that with any of the people I'm trying to forgive. In all honesty, it might take longer than 490. But I think the point is that you have to make the effort each time someone angers you. Each time a memory and a biting question rises up in you, you have to make the effort to forgive them. Eventually (or 490 times later), you'll be able to forgive them and put everything behind you. 

This doesn't mean that I don't love these people. I love each and every one of my friends, and I've been trying to work on the idea that God calls us to love everyone. But sometimes your friends hurt you and then you are called to forgive them. 

I didn't really like the idea of forgiving people 490 times, over and over again. I really wanted a quick fix. I don't think a "quick fix" is possible in this case. It took me a little while to get used to that idea. 490 times of forgiving each person. That's a long walk. It might not take that long for some people, it might take longer for others. 

At least I'm not alone while I walk this road.

Jim Henson

I don’t remember my first introduction to the Muppets, or anything Jim Henson. Like Rodgers and Hammerstein, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Singing in the Rain, and Looney Tunes; the Muppets have always just seemed to be apart of my life.

My parents tried to introduce me to other Jim Henson classics such as The Labyrinth, but since I was probably only four or five at the time, that movie scared the heck out of me and I still remember the slightly nightmarish dream that resulted.

I am happy to say that I did pick up Labyrinth (on my own, without any prompting from my parents) about two years ago and love that movie. It doesn't surprise me that I love it, I actually find it funny that a movie that scared me so badly as a child is now one of my favorite movies.

But I love anything done by Jim Henson.

Jim Henson’s stories on film and characters have impacted me greatly. His characters were on Sesame Street teaching me shapes and numbers and my ABCs. His Muppets made/make me laugh for hours on end, no matter how many times I watch the show. One of the earliest Muppet videos (yes, VHS) I remember watching was Muppet Classic Theater. They were slightly fractured fairy tales and full of slapstick, but that’s what makes a Muppet a Muppet! And there were exploding penguins! Who doesn't love random penguins (and chickens) zooming through the air? Admit it, you know you love them too. Don’t lie to yourself.

I know Jim Henson has inspired many people, and many people claim that a piece of a song he sang resonates with them. I think the songs Jim Henson and the other men who made the Muppets sang were supposed to resonate with everyone on some level. I can name about 5 or 6 songs off the top of my head that resonate with me and what’s going on in my life RIGHT NOW.  The songs were about life, about getting along, about finding your place, about silly stupid stuff that just made you laugh. Songs that get stuck in your head. Tunes simple enough that children will be able to sing all of the verses after hearing the song only a few times.

Today in the anniversary of Jim’s death. He died 22 years ago, about two years before I was born. Just watching the video footage on YouTube of his memorial service is enough to send me into a stream of silent tears. Every time. Seriously, if you want to get me to cry, make me watch his memorial service. Everyone was touched by knowing Jim Henson. Kind of like how everyone who knew Christian Stillwell was touched by his light. The biggest difference was that Christian is a Christ follower, and as far as we know, Jim Henson was not. This makes me cry even harder.

I watched part of a TV special (on Youtube), Muppets were putting on a Tribute to Jim Henson. They had to come up with a finale and Fozzie Bear found a folder that Kermit left for them to look through for inspiration. The folder was full of condolence cards and letters from their fans, saying how sorry they were that Jim had passed away.

If you ever say puppets can’t have emotion, just watch all of the Muppets deflate after reading these letters. There’s no music, and not one of them has anything that they can say in response.

A few seconds go by and Robin (Kermit’s nephew, a small frog) starts singing a song called Just One Person. It’s from Snoopy the Musical, but it applies perfectly. Eventually everyone joins in singing along (I’m sobbing at this point when I watch the video).

If just one person believes in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...
Hard enough, and long enough,
It stands to reason, that someone else will think
"If he can do it, I can do it."

Making it: two whole people, who believe in you
Deep enough, and strong enough,
Believe in you.
Hard enough and long enough
There's bound to be some other person who
Believes in making it a threesome,
Making it three.....
People you can say: believe in me.....

And if three whole people,
Why not -- four?
And if four whole people,
Why not--more, and
more, and
more....

And when all those people,
Believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,
Believe in you...
Hard enough, and long enough

It stands to reason that you yourself will
Start to see what everybody sees in
You...

And maybe even you,
Can believe in you... too!

I think that this is the most perfect song to describe the impact that Jim Henson had on people. He was a soft spoken man, hiding his brilliance behind a shy smile and when his humor came out, everyone laughed. When he came up with an idea and took a look at the world in a different way, everyone paid attention. He was able to present important ideas in an innocent and simple way that helped people to understand each other. He helped people to believe in themselves. I think he was able to do that because he showed puppets acting like people. Not people acting like people, but silly little puppets that everyone loved. I haven’t met a person who has a Muppet that they don’t like.

There will be plenty of times that I talk about Jim Henson, or want to watch something made by him, because it brings me back to my childhood and inspires my future. I hope that we never forget this man and the impact he left on the world in his short time here.

“Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.” 

             -Jim Henson