It's not where I am, it's where I'm going.

To be honest, I'm frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated with my circumstances. I'm frustrated by people who normally don't tick me off.

I am listless, lazy, unproductive, impulsive, and probably a few other choice words that aren't usually in my arsenal of "describe yourself" answers.

Usually I answer those words, "describe yourself," with words like the following: Productive. Responsible. Fairly Organized. Motivated. Healthy. Inquisitive.

Those words up there ^......not me right now.

I've been getting several wake up calls to this, and I've actually seen this process happening over a long period of time. It started a little while back in the most recent school semester. I would have trouble working on assignments until it was two days before they were due. Or the night before. More often than not I forgot to write a journal entry for a class.
I mean, I still pulled As in all my classes, but that didn't really feel good. I felt like I had coasted through the semester.

The same with dance classes. I had to miss a LOT of classes due to school (when I was being responsible about my assignments). Then there have been some weird schedules at work, so dance took a back seat because I need to earn cash. Ergo, I'm out of shape and not happy about it. However, I'm having trouble finding motivation to work out at home.

At work, for the most part, I'm okay. I'm a little weary but I'm okay, I guess. I've made my peace with staying at my job through the summer instead of trying to find something different that will work with my family's vacation and Ren Faire. It's paying off and I'm getting good hours. So long as I keep putting my paychecks in the bank I should see some profit and a money cushion for the fall and college. I'll need to work out a plan for how to (not) spend my money, but that will be a budgeting lesson that I need to learn anyway. Still there are many days were I resign myself to getting into the car and driving to work.

Most of this stems from the fact that I'm stressed. Or at least, I'm going to say that it is. I'm worried. I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for college. I'm worried about a few of my friends. I'm worried about the stupid tick bite that I got up at Faire this past weekend. I'm worried about how I'm not getting any scholarships. I'm worried about how I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm worried about how I'm always craving really really sugary salty bad for you foods.

And this stress is really affecting me. I can't think straight without starting to get on myself about how I have 10 billion things to get done. Instead of doing things, because I'm tired, I take naps and watch Hulu. Not anymore. I'm starting to change things.

Daily Bible Study (which, ironically, seems to be the only thing I manage to be halfway consistent on even in my non motivated state). No more junky food. I've got to exercise once every day at the least. I have to spend an hour on scholarships every day. I want to read/write everyday, even if it's the newspaper I'm reading or only one sentence that I'm writing. I will continue to focus on kindness at work. I will get everything in order so help me or else I'm going to turn into someone that I don't like. I'm trying really hard to be someone that I do like. Liking yourself is sort of important, or it should be.

So what have I found since I've been trying to turn myself around? Well, I've been swimming. That's helped. In the few days that I've cut out fried crap I have felt (and looked) much better. I will continue to be a klutz and injure myself constantly, but the bruises fade. I will grumble about scholarships but get them done.

I've learned that I have to be an optimist or else things get ugly. I don't like asking why things are the way they are, or looking back and seeing what I could have done differently. It gets annoying. Most of the time I try to muddle through as best I can.

One really positive thing is that I am back at Faire. I've been hanging out with people I love and admire and have been getting to know a lot more people this year. I like getting to know different people in the different casts. I like getting to know the newbies. I like being able to help get the site ready for when the gates open. I like being outside for 48 hours straight. Even though it's pretty taxing physically and I come home exhausted, it's restful for me. It feels like home to me.

What I've enjoyed the most is getting to know people. That's really what's been the best part of this summer so far is just being in touch with people and talking to people face to face. I've already had some fun with people who I didn't really know before. I'm hoping that it will continue. If my experiences at Faire so far are an indication of how the rest of my summer will be in general, then things are going to be okay.

Plus, right now, it's not really about where I am. It's about where I am going.

My little dream

Time to think positive thoughts, at least for today.

While my future is something that is currently overwhelming me, it is a sea of possibilities. I'm starting to formulate tentative plans for next semester that involve a lot of Arts training and not much else (well, maybe an Algebra clep test, but let's not talk about that scary thing).

I scheduled a visit to a college that a dance teacher of mine (look back at my posts about dancing with Melinda) told me to apply for. I was accepted last year, but put the school on the shelf.
Technically it doesn't have the exact program I'm looking for, which would a Theatre degree with a concentration in Dance, so I could minor in History. I want to talk to the admissions board there about how we could work that out. I see many possibilities, one of them being that it doesn't work out. That would be okay though, because I want to go to the college that God leads me to.

For those of you who say to major in History and minor in Dance....well...I've thought about that. I don't like the idea. Yes, I know it's more "practical" but seriously, since when are most college students actually getting jobs in their degree field right now? Unless that changes dramatically in the next few years I think I'm better off going for what I love and training in performance.

I've never been one to dream about the big house on the hill with the four cars and lots of cash in the bank. I don't need designer clothing. I love thrifting. I like Aldi's, except for their produce section which makes me cringe. Bargains are awesome, but I also know that sometimes you need to shell out the cash for a quality item.

I'd be happy in an apartment in Chicago. I'd be fine with having a roommate or two to split rent. One day I'd like to be sharing that space with a husband, but that will all come in good time. I'd be happy with a cat, or two, or three. I hear they're pretty addicting. I'd be happy without a car, or a nice used car. My family has only bought one brand new car (to my knowledge). Our "newest" car is a used car. It runs perfectly fine!
Of course, I don't think I could give up my obsession for books. However, I don't think that's too much of a problem other than finding shelf space.
I'd be happy working for a Museum, Performing, Writing my stories (maybe getting paid for them), and having a group of friends who are as intellectual (and more so, because that would stretch my mind) as I am. 
One day, very far away, I'd like to adopt a child. I don't know where from, but I've wanted to adopt for a long time.

That right there, that's my little dream. I don't need the American Dream. I don't need to be a millionaire. It's not about the quantity, it's about the quality.

Now I've just got to find my way there.
I think I needed this moment of Hope, all I have to do is hold on to it and see where it goes.

Halfway Through Summer

It's been an eventful time of late...

Ren Faire is most amazing place in the world. Now onto the rest of my life.

I changed jobs. I'm not working in a shop anymore. I'm a barista now at Vero and just had my first day of practical training. I worked a lot on the register and made a lot of mistakes but my coworkers said that I was doing really well for my first day. We serve other things besides just coffee, so I'm learning how to serve gelato and make fried dough puffs. It was a slightly difficult first day and I felt like I failed a lot, but as someone (or many people) have said to me, "If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough." I guess I'm trying really hard because that register hates me. I shall not let it conquer me! I shall prevail and win it's affection!

I'm still making a lot of reconsiderations about which direction to go in. Right now I'm still dancing, but I want to explore my writing, my passion for history, and my passion for general performance. I'll probably take a history and a creative writing class this fall as part of my college studies. Being in Ren Faire has made me take a step back and really look at the realistic aspect of some of my career ideas.

There's been a recent learning curve on "How do I react to certain things?" I recently found out that if I'm boxed in and "attacked" without a determinable exit- I'll turn into River Tam and possibly hurt somebody. That was a scary thing to realize. I think I scared myself more than anything. Now I get to learn how to deal with that and make sure that I take care of myself and the people around me so that I don't have another River Tam "Miranda" moment.  Oh well, we live, we learn, we grow, and we work through things.

God is challenging me on a lot of things. My health hasn't been the greatest. I've gotten a lot of fatigue and I'm going to be getting a general physical on Thursday to make sure that there isn't anything wrong. Hopefully it will just be an imbalance on my vitamins and I'll take some supplements and be A-ok. It's hard to be not at my best and I just have to trust that this is only a season. Change will come, hopefully for the better. Slowly I'm turning more and more over to Him and He's brought some great things into my life. I've also had a lot of mini-lessons that haven't been too fun, but God is going to carry me through it.

Waking Up

I have encountered a new phenomenon that happens when I wake up.
I feel anxious. Like going to an audition sorta-kinda-not-really wanting to throw up anxious.
It happened every day when I woke up last week, and it happened through the weekend and it was here again today. Lovely. 

Last week I also consistently woke up with a Sea Shanty stuck in my head. Today I woke up with a "Dernnit it's only 6:30!!!!" and not being able to go back to sleep because of said stomach anxious feeling issues.
Yesterday at BRF (go see the post at Tales of Anne Drew), I also did not feel like eating ANYTHING. I would take a bite of something, be chewing it, and would feel absolutely sick. Then I would force myself to swallow and I'd be fine after a few seconds. My mother tells me that this is because of the heat. I think it sucks because I kind of need to eat to keep going through the BRF days.

But I will stop that rant and move onto what's been happening in the past week.
I got some hours at work! It's still not enough to keep me going all summer, and I have picked up some babysitting jobs, but I filled out 5 applications for various places and am praying that I get a job at one of these business establishments. Business Establishments....sounds so official, don't it?
Just to be clear- I love my job. I love the people I work with. I would be very happy if I could get a few more hours, but I don't think it's possible because I was told that the company cut back on the hours and I can't work weekends. I don't know, one of my fellow workers is leaving because she never got enough hours.

 Other than sorta working, I helped a lot around my house to pay of the gas money that I contribute as the carpool to BRF instigator. My family had a garage sale this weekend and I helped my mom sort out things, price things, and helped with the actual selling of things for a morning. It's nice to know that I won't actually have to pay for my gas from this weekend.
I also when to dance class after a two week break last Monday and it was great! I loved being back at it and I was on such a happy-high afterwards until I sat down on my train seat and was like "What did I just do?" Then I woke up sore and very happy on Tuesday. My other dance class starts this week on Thursday (I think). I'm hoping that it will be as good as the one that I took during the school year on Tuesday nights. 

I need to write more in my story. I have a problem because the part that I have to write is not the part that I want to be writing. Ergo I procrastinate. But the part that I need to be writing is very essential for certain character developments and relational standings. Still I am seriously procrastinating. This week I am aiming to get to a certain point in my writing.

Now it's almost the time that I thought I would wake up at. I think it's time to start getting the day going.

Bumpy Road

So I've been telling myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.
The next day I'd tell myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.
Then the next day I'd tell myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.

Needless to say- there's been a LOT of life going on. Some good, but lately I've been hit with a lot of conflicting stuff.


First point of Life- My old youth theater program split ways with the main company and now, while still holding the same values (essentially), it's a mess. No one knows what's going on and there is a ton of uncertainty. I'm slightly glad that I've graduated from this program and only teach there now and then.
Many good things happened in this theater group, and many challenging things. So there's a lot that I'm just waiting to "see what happens" on the subject. To be honest I'm tired of seeing all of the notifications on Facebook about this. I know it's important, but I feel like there's just too much confusion right now. Everyone needs to simmer down for a while.

Second point- I will not be working for two weeks. This week, and next week I am not scheduled for any hours. This is very worrisome. I'm supposed to be able to pay for gas to get to and from the RenFaire(See point 3). I was also hoping to accumulate some savings, and start paying for most of my expenses. Guess what's not happening?
This is probably the worst thing I am dealing with right now. I actually had to go into work and check the schedule. I started crying once I got back to the car.
I know the company has cut back on hours, but not getting any hours when I know my coworkers are getting 12-20 hours a week stinks. The only redeemable part of this is that my parents have agreed to let me do extra chores and stuff around the house to pay off my gas money. If my work hours keep up like this I'm going to need to find a new job.
I'm really praying hard about this. I don't know what to do. I know God's in charge and that he's going to take care of me, but I don't know what I am supposed to be doing right now. That annoys the heck out of me.

Third point- I'm starting RenFaire training and I'm scared stiff. I have no idea what I've got myself into. I'm gradually getting more and more terrified. Everything about the process has felt completely paralyzing, but at the same time, it feels like home. How warped is that?

Fourth point- I don't know if I'm going to be able to dance this summer at all. I don't know if I can take time out of my work schedule to dance. This makes me want to punch a wall.

The stupid thing is that I work so that I can have money to dance and participate in RenFaire. If I don't work- what gets eliminated? The dancing, RenFaire, or the work?

Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me. 

Lately, I've been fixated on this song. I've always loved anything that the Muppets sing. I'm a HUGE Muppets fan. I was raised on the Muppet Movie, Muppet fairy tales (yes, they exist), Muppet Christmas Carol, Muppet Treasure Island (my personal favorite- CABIN FEVER!), Muppets from Space, and of course- The Muppet Show itself.
I had a Miss Piggy doll, and I own a Kermit lunchbox. I almost cried when we visited the Muppet Studios at Disney World. If I ever do meet Kermit- I will melt into a sobbing puddle of overwhelming joy. I could barely contain myself when I saw the Jim Henson exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry.
Anything Jim Henson, I love. The man was a genius.

But my official Jim Henson/Muppet post will be coming mid May. This post is about the Rainbow Connection song.

Now I've grown up on this song and it's always inspired me. I value Rainbows because of the Biblical promise they hold that God will never abandon me. Now I understand that Rainbows are also a Gay-Pride symbol, but I'm not referring to that particular association in this post at all- This post is merely about how I relate to Rainbows on a personal level as they apply to the song.

The first verse is simple a statement about the singer disagreeing with what psychologists call convergent thinking. It's giving the "correct" or "grammar school" put it in-spit it out answer. The singer of this song is a bit more, dare I say, creative and curious that the black and white answer accepting people. The singer could be a divergent thinker. I like to think that I'm a divergent thinker, because I like looking at different perspectives of things and finding out multiple answers to everything except math problems.

The second verse goes deeper into what the singer is actually feeling. In looking at the rainbow, they're reminded of the stars. Another phrase I've heard put into song (from the Broadway Mary Poppins) is "If you reach for the heavens, you get the stars thrown in." I've been reaching for the heavens ever since I can remember in my dreams. Now I'm reaching for them in my life. There are plenty of times that I wish for the impossible and believe that something has to happen. Only instead of wishing, I pray, and some pretty impossible things have been happening to me. So I believe in "wishes." And in chasing those wishes I'm looking for my "rainbow connection." It sounds way to cheesy put that way, but I'm trying to use the song's phrase-ology.

The third verse is the declaration of the singer. They've got something they need to find, chase, do, insert your verb here. There's something that I'm supposed to be, and I'm going after it.

Personally there are only two versions of this song that I truly adore. The first and top ranking is Jim Henson's original from The Muppet Movie. It was the first recorded version and it's the best- deal with my opinion! The second best for me is probably Kenny Loggins. He has a beautiful rendition of this song. He puts so much passion into the third verse that you can't help but be swept up in whatever dream he's chasing through his song. I grew up listening to his version on a lullaby CD.

And now I can be at peace because I finally wrote a post about this song, it's been niggling at me for a while and now I've gotten it done, and shared this very special song. I will sing this song to my children, grandchildren, and any child who I babysit. I'd love to record my own version of this song and dance to it, but I don't think I'd be able to sing it that well.

So here's a link to Kenny Loggins' version if you haven't heard it. There isn't a very good quality version of Jim Henson singing on Youtube, but I do have the song on my itunes if you'd ever like a listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j2uBbBifkI

Signing off!

PBA part 2- long overdue

THANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGOD!!!!!!
I GOT INTO PBA FOR DANCE!!!! *Cue insane happy dancing*

Out of about 30 girls and 10 spots- I GOT IN!!!

Now we just need to see how the money pans out, and if I get accepted into the school itself. However, I'm slightly less nervous about that.

Now I just need to visit Hope College and get accepted into the schools themselves, then we'll see how the scholarships go and hopefully I'll be headed off somewhere in January of 2013!

Now i have to go make dinner before dance class-
TTFN!

It's been a little while...

So even though I'm fairly good at posting on my blog, I haven't had time recently and I felt bad about that.
Hence the all important- CATCH UP POST!!!!! (Could also be read ketchup post, if you're so inclined).

So first the exciting stuff-
I GOT INTO REN FAIRE!!!! Totally got placed in the last role I expected to get, Street Cast.
Before you think this sounds like a bad thing, lemme splain.'
Street Cast members are those brave and intimidating people who walk around the faire in a character all day, in full costume, and talk to the patrons of the faire. They have an occupation and something of a "shtick" They are funny, clever, attention grabbing and I am more than slightly nervous about joining their ranks. Even more so since I have to come up with said character and shtick.
I've never felt that I'm a good person when it comes to improvisational theater. I can talk to a lot of different people, and do on a regular basis, but that's as myself. Now I get to improv all summer, each weekend for about 10 hours a day. Now, if that doesn't sound like a stretch, you're weird.
However, I am intensely looking forward to this and on top of EVERYTHING else I'm doing, I'm raiding my library for information about the Tudor era with an emphasis in Elizabethan times. Like I needed an excuse to do that.
Performers are some of the most insecure people you will meet. We tear each other down for a role, but support each other because in the end, we're all each other has to keep ourselves sane. Only another performer can understand the sense of waiting and hoping for that phone call, all the while feeling sick to your stomach that it won't come. Only we share the sense of elation when we've made people happy. In return, those people give us applause and undying admiration.

We are totally nuts.

On another nutty performance note- I'm going to FL next week to audition for the dance program at PBA. Beyond nervous, only slightly excited. Will be more excited after I get home. That feeling of not quite being ready is back, I thought I got rid of it after Bristol auditions. Well guess what?
They're baaaaack.

To touch on school- I have to write a four page psych paper, a three page English compare/contrast essay, and a proposed thesis/outline paper. Not to mention that essay I'm supposed to write for my interview at PBA. And ASL homework.
I still like my classes, and my ASL friends. I've still been curbing any temptations to curse. Once in a while I'll slip, but I'm glad I haven't possessed a sailor's mouth lately. I've been making an effort and thank God it's working.

And now for  a book that might just save my Rennie Sanity-
Easy Street by Ann-Elizabeth Shapera (Otherwise known as Jane the Phool).

This book is so entertaining and amazing, even if you aren't going to perform in any type of Street Theater, you should read it. This book is a complete guide for anyone who is going to be a street performer in a faire and I've torn through it in about two days. I'm going to go back with a pencil and mark it up until there is no space left in the margins!

 AE Shapera happens to have played Jane the Phool, Jester to the Queen, and Queen of all Jesters since 1993. I have seen her at Bristol every single summer and she is one of my favorite people there. If you like history, comedy, the english language, reading, writing, playing, play-acting. READ. THIS. BOOK. All the commentary about monkeys alone will leave you giggling. All of the tricks and tips and exercises to help you get into a character will help you if you love imagining or performing or writing.

Seriously....just read the book. Borrow mine- if you must! But I warn you that you probably will have a very hard time getting it from me. If you can get it from me. hehe.

And I will leave you with that for now!

Dancing with Melinda

Since late November I've had a substitute teacher in my jazz dance class on Wednesday nights.
The first time I took class, I thought she might be a little eccentric, and I would definitely need to step up my game in class. Not that my regular teacher wasn't challenging me in his own way- Melinda just has a completely different style.

I've found that in the past two and a half months that I've grown leaps and bounds (no pun intended) as a dancer because of Melinda's teaching. She fun and quirky and every time I walked into class I knew I'd be working my butt off and having the time of my life.
Melinda makes you want to do well. She's got this catchphrase of adding the words "Fair enough?" at the end of most sentences. At first I thought it was a little odd, but it quickly grew on me and I'll probably be mimicking her sometimes.

It's because of Melinda that I'm applying to the school I'll be auditioning for on Feb 6. I told her about my audition and she gave me a huge hug and told me that she was sure I'm going to make it. Coming from someone as talented and experienced in dance as she is (She's studied in Israel, London, Paris- to name a few places), it meant a lot.

Because of Melinda's instruction I've learned:
Just to go for it, and go for it with joy.
My mind knows the steps, my body has to feel through the music.
I can keep up better than I thought.

So this is my very badly written tribute to a teacher that I hope to never forget. If I ever get a chance to study under Melinda, or dance in a show choreographed by her, I will leap (ok- pun intended) at the chance. In the very short time I've been able to study under her, she has made a difference in my dancing attitude and ability.

New Studio!

For the first time in months, I'm debating going to class because I'm so tired.

Emotionally, physically, mentally, I'm tired. I smile involuntarily when I'm talking to people, not because I'm happy. Even if I'm complaining, I'm smiling (trying not to complain much, my life is too blessed to be cluttered with complaints). It's kind of funny because I said something about life being a little stressful, and someone said "But you're smiling!" to which I wittily replied, "Really?" I don't even recognize when I'm smiling anymore! I find this funny, does anyone else?
Physical tiredness is the easiest and hardest to deal with in my opinion. Easiest because, well, it's not being emotionally drained or mentally unable to compute things any longer. Hardest because trying to keep your eyes open when all you want to do is fall over is kind of difficult.
Mental tiredness? I actually suppose that this isn't one of my problems at the moment. I'm probably fine as far as my mental energy goes. I don't think I ever really run out of mental energy. Now if only I can figure out how to make that mental energy turn into physical energy...

So last night I found a new studio! This one has a pre-professional class for ages 18 and up. It was amazing! A bit further than the one I have been going to on Tuesday nights (30 minutes vs. 15), but I think it will be well worth it! The class is twice a week too! Tuesdays and Thursdays! I loved it and can't wait to go back!
The only problem now is that I'm so tired today that I'm wondering if going to class at the HugeStudio is a good idea. Granted, I did work for five hours yesterday, then go to an intense dance class, then get up for a 9AM class today. Will I cut myself slack?
Maybe I just will take Jazz and not Pilates today. Make up for it by stretching and doing some exercises at home. Take out a few Pilates DVDs from the library. That sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

Funny story from yesterday.
Got a visit from the Mayor of the town I live in at the shop I work at (Bath and Body Works). Totally didn't recognize her. One of those "I definitely should know who you are but I can't place you" moments. Of course, she was very nice and pleasant, read my name-tag and joked about loving sales tax. I kinda guessed that she was the mayor once she joked about the tax, but I still wasn't sure. So she left the store and my co-worker turns to me and says "You know who that was right?"
Once again, my witty remarks surface. "Um...I'm not sure."
Of course I felt a little embarrassed that I didn't recognize the mayor, but at least my co-worker was really nice about my little bought of forgetfulness. Now I will always recognize the mayor-of-the-town-I-live-in.

Black Swans, Strong Queens, and Bus Rides

So...I'm kind of using the BNRC for movies and music too. Movie Nook Review Corner just sounds weird. So The BookNookReviewCorner is branching out!

Movie- Black Swan
Major actors- Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Vincent Cassel
Rated- R
My rating? One pen  \, \, \, \, \,

As a dancer, I was really looking forward to fantastic cinematic dance sequences and a really good physiological thriller.
The dance sequences were very disappointing. I know that the stars in the movie haven't had year of training that you need to make the dances look good, but these dance scenes were just disappointing. The camera was swirling around the actors whenever they danced so you felt like you were on a merry-go-round and couldn't actually see the dancing.
The "Thriller" part of the movie was weak too. The characters felt really phony and shallow and the motives didn't feel well portrayed. Plus, you never really could tell what was going on with Mila Kunis' character...
My two BIGGEST beefs were actually the lack of good time lapses. I couldn't tell that a couple weeks had gone by between the time Nina had been chosen for the swan, and the night of performance. It felt like a few days. That's not logical.
Also- SO MANY ballet stereotypes!!! Over the top stereotypes! Most ballerinas don't wear their hair in a bun all the time! Usually they just put it up for class. Nor do dancers start stripping off all of their warm ups when the director walks in the room at the beginning of class (found this out by reading a couple dance blogs).
Overall- cool make-up and costumes. That's about it.



On the other hand- I have a great book review!

A Reluctant Queen: the love story of Esther by Joan Wolf.
Rating- Four Pens! \,\,\,\,\,

Loved this book! Esther is one of my favorite of the women of the Bible. I love her story and always go back to reading her story.
This book really brought to the life the time that Esther lived in. She was much more real than I expected when I started the book. Also, the king was really well written. I would most definitely recommend this to anyone. I'm not a huge chick-flick romance person, but this is not a chick-flick romance. The book doesn't just focus on Esther, but also on the king (who's name I can't pronounce) and the politics of the day. Personally, I found that really interesting. The author made her characters have motives and emotions that made them into interesting people. I even understood why Haman acted the way he did. The author made him a person, not just a mustache twirling villain. Esther got angry with Mordecai, which I had never considered before.
I wish there had been a little more to the book. Things seemed to move pretty quickly, but I enjoyed it and it was a fantastic retelling of the story of Esther in 375 pages.

On a completely unrelated note- I took the bus by myself in pouring rain yesterday! My jeans got totally SOAKED on the way back to the train from the Huge Studio! I was freezing, but I love going to dance on Wednesday. I wish I had more time (and money) to dance. I would love to add on a bar class and some tap. Right now I'm taking Pilates to help a hip injury that's been plaguing me for a while, and it's KILLER. I love it! It helps so much! Hopefully I can start taking ballet again soon. Can't take both because they are at the same time. Praying that I find a Pilates studio closer to home. 
That's about all that I can think of. I hope I'm doing a good job of keeping this blog up.

_Until next post_

Tired but happy.

This week has been one of many ups and downs, but the ups made up for all the downs!
And I am extremely tired. Let's hope this post isn't rubbish.

This past Wednesday I went to the "Huge Studio" as I will nickname it for the internet. Best night of my life! I'm only in the Beg/Intermediate level, but I was challenged and learned so much, just in two classes! Each class is an hour and half and I had two of them back to back. Three hours in the most freeing experience I've had! Really, dancing makes me let go of everything else. I was nervous on my way to the studio and before class, but once classes started, I felt completely at peace. Everything just seemed to come naturally- or as naturally as it can when you're trying to keep up with a very good dance class/instructor. Everyone in my class was at least a couple years older than I was, or very near my age. One of the women had to be in her 60s, but she was keeping up just fine!
For the first time in my life- I didn't feel like I had to live up to anyone's expectations, compete with younger dancers to be as good as them because I was older, or feel like I was doing badly because I can't lift my legs as high as some of the others. I recently read a quote from a dancer that said something like "You're not there for anyone but yourself." I've been trying to apply that to my own life in dance class. I'm in class to better myself and further myself along in my dance path. If I can help someone else along the way- that'd be great, but I'm not in class to compare myself to anyone. I'm not there to prove that I belong there, because I know I belong there.
I can't really describe it in any other way that would make sense. I came home Wednesday night and the only way I could describe it was "amazing- just amazing!" It was like God was whispering in my ear "This is where you belong." I was almost in tears because I was so happy and in awe of how God has been working in my life.
On Friday I tried out the dance company at my community college. They have a nice poms team group there, but it is not the type of dance that I am looking for. Cheeleading and Pom Squad are great for some people, but those styles have never been "my thing." Also, the conversation I heard prior to "class" wasn't the most encouraging. To seal the deal, throughout the time I spent visiting the class I could tell that that wasn't the place God wanted me to be, so I left early because I had a lot to do on Friday. That's fine though! I'm going to be dancing at least 7-8 hours a week soon. To me, it doesn't seem enough. Now when I dance, I don't want to stop. I just want to push and push and keep going and going and going. I suppose I need to remember what will happen if I push too hard. I don't want to hurt myself, but I want to be dancing as much as I can.
Something else I am excited about- I have an internship for Project Dance! I've been wanting to intern for the program that helped me to this path and have a chance to give back. Now I've got that chance and can't wait for PD to start!
God has definitely been blessing me abundantly this week. Even in my few troubles this week (mostly with an annoying school assignment and very little sleep this week- I'm so exhausted) it hasn't been as hard as some of the previous weeks. Like I said a little while back- I can cope with everything SO much better when I am dancing.

"I will believe that what God has placed inside me is superior to the mountains that stand in my way."

No clue who said that quote. It's from a book I got for graduation called "Dance while you can." It's filled with quotes (though no references as to who said them).

Until something else I need to post about happens!

~Astonishing~

Re-purposed

So this title sounds slightly odd yes? Well, I shall explain.
Usually to "re-purpose" something means to change something to suit another purpose. Like turning a flashlight into a lighter. Or a flower pot into a pencil cup.

I instead take the word and use it to describe a re-focusing. Realizing something and believe that this is your purpose.

Maybe I should explain more...

Yesterday I was freaking out about going to ______ dance school (insert name of dance school here- ask me if you don't know it yet :-p). I mean, I've never gone to a professional dance studio and taken class before. It's super intimidating. I'm going there Wednesday and I've been freaking out since Sunday. I've known that this is where I need to go, and dancing is something I need to do, but it's still a really scary thing.
So last night, I get home from school (thank you night classes!) and on my desk is the DVD from my dance camp where I figured out I needed to be dancing.

So I pop in the DVD and watch the performance. I almost start crying. It was like God was tapping me on the shoulder saying "See, you can do this!" I was watching myself and thinking about how- with a few months of training, I could get so much better, and I wasn't bad at all in the DVD. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate watching myself perform. I'm HYPER critical of myself in any type of performance. So, the fact that I couldn't come up with any super huge critique- is BIG.

I guess you could say last night I renewed my affirmation that I need to go to _______ dance studio. I'm still kinda scared and nervous, but who wouldn't be? I'm sure that it's going to be okay. Now if I can keep up with work, school, and dance (not necessarily in that order). The eternal quest to keep afloat in the sea of life. Thank goodness God is my navigator.

I know where my legs are...

If dance does anything- it makes your aware of your body.

I am VERY aware that I have hamstrings right now. Ouch...sore legs. It's really weird, but I love the feeling of being sore after a class. It means that I have worked hard and am getting somewhere. I love sweating during a really intense dance class.
Let's just say that I sweat a LOT last night.
Let's also make a point clear- I don't sweat a lot. Barely at all. I can be playing a full out game of football (soccer) or ultimate Frisbee and never even break a sweat. But put me in a dance class and I come out dripping. It's gross, but it's awesome at the same time!  I know I'm weird, so's everyone else in this world.

The dance class last night was really tough. Of course the other girls in the class at between the ages of 11-13 and they are all rubber bands. They just are able to spring and stretch like they were born that way. They also messed up quite a lot and had a lot to work on, just like me.
However- I remembered a quote by a professional ballet dancer. "You are there for no one but yourself." It's true too. I'm in dance class to work on MY technique, MY flexibility, MY dancing. Yeah so I can't do an illusion with a perfect split, but at least I can get my leg up there. No, I can't do a fire-bird with my foot touching the back of my head, but I will one day.  I'm not in class to compare myself to five little rubber-bandy girls who have been dancing since the day they were born. I'm there to improve myself and get myself where I want to go.
I realized last night during class just how much work I'm going to need to do to get to the place that I want to be at. Hopefully I'll be dancing four days a week, for 8 hours. 8 hours of dance as a starting point in a LOT. But when you think about it in the grand scheme of things- if you are dancing professionally, you are dancing every day for hours. You have classes, practices, rehearsals, and performances. Then, 8 hours looks like a week off.
It will be a starting point. A good one, I think. Hopefully it's the starting point I need to get a kickoff into my dance journey. Next step- going to "dance bootcamp" on Thursday. Workout, core training, and flexibility training. Oh yeah, I'll be hobbling on Friday.
And yes, I will love it.

FINALLY!!!!!

YAY!!!! FINALLY!!!! I WILL BE DANCING AGAIN!!!!

As of TOMORROW I will start my next step in my dance journey! Tomorrow I get to go to a dance class at a studio near my house and try out a class because I have a "free class" card. It's a progressions and turns and leaps class. Something fun- you know?

Then next wednesday-
I have English from 9-10
Work from 11-3
Then I hop on the train and go into the city and attend the studio I have wanted to attend for months now! Two classes, one night, four hours of complete DANCE!!!!

I'm going to be SO tired. Luckily, I don't have to work the next day until one in the afternoon!!!

This is what is keeping me going this week. Last week it was really hard to keep my chin up. I almost broke down a couple times. No tears yet. In four weeks of a very stressed out me, not a single tear! Thank God, I have amazing friends who are always there for me and know how to cheer me up just by being there and spending time talking to me. So to all of you who hugged me, talked to me, let me listen to you talk about your life, listened to me talk about my lack of life, whatever- thank you. You all mean the world to me.

-Astonishing-

Cyd Charisse

Have you ever seen Cyd Charisse dance? It's just amazing. Purely amazing. 

As a child she overcame polio. To strengthen her muscles, a doctor reccomended dance lessons. She was thirteen when she began to take ballet class. 

She was Gene Kelly's favorite dance partner. That man was a hard act to follow, let alone keep up with! Yet, when I see them dance together, she manages to claim her half of the spotlight.

Yesterday I traipsed all over the city visiting several dance studios. All of them impressive. I have pretty much narrowed it down to two, based on location and accessibility. The dance studio I liked the most, unfortunately, is not easy to get to. 

I was able to watch class in two of the studios through the windows. It was amazing. The flexibility and strength that shows through their movements. The control and freedom that shows through the dance. They put everything they have into one single movement and carry it into the next. I could almost feel what it would be like to dance the combination they were practicing. It was thrilling just to watch them. Like I was home. Ever since my summer camp I've known that I am meant to dance. I need to dance. It's apart of me as much as breathing...well...that might be an exaggeration, but the point still stands. Dance is inside me, aching to be released. I have taken the next step in my journey of dancing. I can't wait to start taking class again. 

The downside to running all over, taking buses, trains, and walking/running/sprinting a great deal is...shin splints. If you've never had shin splints, they hurt like heck depending on how bad they are. And they can take weeks to heal. I can't properly flex or point my feet. Hopefully with a few days rest things will start to get better. 

-Astonishing-