Promises.

Yes I feel very guilty for neglecting my "real life" blog.

Here's what happened- real life.

Bristol ended, and school started. Along with school, I am working part time as a barista and earning more in one week than I earned in two weeks at my old job. Part of that is they pay me a little bit better, and I also have a minimum of 12 hours a week because it's a union job. Along with schooling and my job, I teach dance on Thursday nights and take dance on Monday and Thursday.

Oh, and I went to one audition on Saturday, and am planning on going to another a week from tomorrow. I didn't do my best at the audition on Saturday, but you win some and you lose some right? I'm actually okay considering that I think I won't make the show. I have only been cut from something once, and to be honest, I'm looking forward to getting some rejections.

Along with dealing with the lovely stress of auditions, I have the lovely stress of having a teacher in my Western Civilization class who likes to stress me out. That is all I will say on this topic because I do not want this blog to turn into a ranting spot.

Add on top of that, trying to maintain the friendships I started this summer at Bristol. It's tough. I miss people. I miss a LOT of people.
I remember one of my friends from Bristol promising me that they'd have a movie night and have me come and visit. Now, with some "theater type people" saying that "we should have a movie night" is like when you meet an old acquaintance and promise to have coffee without really ever meaning what you say. I've learned to take promises of future events with a grain of salt and try not to hope too hard. I also try to follow through on my promises of this type of nature, or at least acknowledge that these speculative ideas are simply ideas.
However, I had a good amount of faith in this person and they made good on their promise. So yesterday I hoped onto a train and got myself to the city for a Pirate Movie Night. I think I was almost looking forward to this too much.
To put things briefly- this week has stressed me out more than most weeks. On top of social complications, work, school, auditions, and a queasy stomach, I've had to make some hard choices about how much my faith comes into my life. This does not make for a very sane me.

Last year I relied on coffee as my pacifier, this year it is Chai Tea.

It's amazing how seeing just a few dear friends can make a difference. I was actually able to eat a decent sized meal for the first time in about five days. I found myself able to relax without having to remind myself to release the tension in my shoulders. I was up until about 2 AM playing a board game that still doesn't make any sense, but it was fun and I was with people I've been missing for weeks. This was a promise fulfilled.

As I was thinking about this today, I've been wondering about what has God promised me? I can't say I like all of the challenges put in front of me recently. Some of them have been downright painful and I want to know why. Have you ever felt like just asking God, WHY?
A few weeks ago I made a commitment to go further in my faith and welcome the challenges that would be brought to me. This week's challenges made me remember exactly how miserable I felt last year, because that's how I felt for a few days this week. There was lots of Chai Tea and teddy-bear hugging. Now we're back to just the Chai Tea stage.
I remember hearing the small voice that said "I can't wait to show you the plans I have for you." and I knew it was God talking to me. That was only two weeks ago. My life has certainly become topsy truvy in the last 14 days.
If last year was about learning to trust God no matter what. I think this year I'm hearing the word "Obey" and "Surrender." Not easy concepts for me to grasp. However, I want to see what promises and plans God has for me this year. 

Now I've got to get back to more of that stressful history homework for that "wonderful" professor who is currently driving me up a wall.

Challenges

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30

This summer my faith has been challenged in ways I didn't think it would be. No one has outright challenged me as to why I believe what I believe, but questions have been coming up in my head every now and then and I actually have to think about "Why wouldn't I go along with that?" or "Is this what I really believe?"


Unfortunately, some of these things I don't know the answers too. I just don't know what I think about some maters when it comes to the world around me. I don't think this is a bad thing either. I like things that make me think and grow and form my own opinion.
Something that I want to strive for is basing my opinions and beliefs on what I have discovered and researched and come to believe, rather than just relying on what I've been taught all my life.

Let me clarify that I am NOT saying that what I've been taught is wrong. A lot of what I've been taught growing up I believe to be right, but I've come to that decision based on researching the answers for myself and "double checking." What can I say, I like to learn and research. I want to know the reasoning behind why I believe what I believe.

"So be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16


Since I am firm in a few things about my faith, I know I cannot bend the few principles I am firm on. If I bend them, what is holding me up? What standards can I have if I don't uphold the few things I am certain of now?
Sometimes it's really hard and I don't want to say "no." I've had to say no and pull back a couple times. More than a few times I've thought about bending. You can only bend so far until you break.

One thing I do know, is that I am firm in the essentials of my faith. I believe that Christianity is about love. Ultimately that's what my faith is all about. I am a failing human loved by a perfect God who I love as my Abba-Father. I will make mistakes and screw up (a lot) and He will still love me and forgive me.

I am really nervous about posting this. I've never posted anything so blatant about my faith before. 


If anything, this summer has taught me that I will be okay in the world and still maintain my faith. I might be going through an upward climb, but it's going to be okay. The first week of college was much easier than last year, and I already know I'm going to grow in many ways.
Last year was trusting that God would get me through each day. Now I've been able to get through that hard year and I know I will be provided for. This year is going to be new challenges and I'm looking forward to finding out what my Abba-Father and I will be working on this year. 

Hopefully I will be posting again soon on my Astonishing blog. I know I've been really heavy on the Anne blog this summer, but that blog has been there to chronicle my summer at Faire, and for the most part that's what I've been doing other than working (new job as Barista).
We have one weekend left for the Faire and I hope that if you haven't gone yet that you will come this weekend! It would mean a lot to me. I love the people that I am working with and they are the kindest most genuine people on earth. Look on my Anne blog for the last few posts I will be writing, including what will happen with my Anne blog once Faire is over, which I still need to think through.

Thank you for letting me be vulnerable through my writing, even if I'm hiding behind the mask of the internet.

Halfway Through Summer

It's been an eventful time of late...

Ren Faire is most amazing place in the world. Now onto the rest of my life.

I changed jobs. I'm not working in a shop anymore. I'm a barista now at Vero and just had my first day of practical training. I worked a lot on the register and made a lot of mistakes but my coworkers said that I was doing really well for my first day. We serve other things besides just coffee, so I'm learning how to serve gelato and make fried dough puffs. It was a slightly difficult first day and I felt like I failed a lot, but as someone (or many people) have said to me, "If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough." I guess I'm trying really hard because that register hates me. I shall not let it conquer me! I shall prevail and win it's affection!

I'm still making a lot of reconsiderations about which direction to go in. Right now I'm still dancing, but I want to explore my writing, my passion for history, and my passion for general performance. I'll probably take a history and a creative writing class this fall as part of my college studies. Being in Ren Faire has made me take a step back and really look at the realistic aspect of some of my career ideas.

There's been a recent learning curve on "How do I react to certain things?" I recently found out that if I'm boxed in and "attacked" without a determinable exit- I'll turn into River Tam and possibly hurt somebody. That was a scary thing to realize. I think I scared myself more than anything. Now I get to learn how to deal with that and make sure that I take care of myself and the people around me so that I don't have another River Tam "Miranda" moment.  Oh well, we live, we learn, we grow, and we work through things.

God is challenging me on a lot of things. My health hasn't been the greatest. I've gotten a lot of fatigue and I'm going to be getting a general physical on Thursday to make sure that there isn't anything wrong. Hopefully it will just be an imbalance on my vitamins and I'll take some supplements and be A-ok. It's hard to be not at my best and I just have to trust that this is only a season. Change will come, hopefully for the better. Slowly I'm turning more and more over to Him and He's brought some great things into my life. I've also had a lot of mini-lessons that haven't been too fun, but God is going to carry me through it.

Bumpy Road

So I've been telling myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.
The next day I'd tell myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.
Then the next day I'd tell myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.

Needless to say- there's been a LOT of life going on. Some good, but lately I've been hit with a lot of conflicting stuff.


First point of Life- My old youth theater program split ways with the main company and now, while still holding the same values (essentially), it's a mess. No one knows what's going on and there is a ton of uncertainty. I'm slightly glad that I've graduated from this program and only teach there now and then.
Many good things happened in this theater group, and many challenging things. So there's a lot that I'm just waiting to "see what happens" on the subject. To be honest I'm tired of seeing all of the notifications on Facebook about this. I know it's important, but I feel like there's just too much confusion right now. Everyone needs to simmer down for a while.

Second point- I will not be working for two weeks. This week, and next week I am not scheduled for any hours. This is very worrisome. I'm supposed to be able to pay for gas to get to and from the RenFaire(See point 3). I was also hoping to accumulate some savings, and start paying for most of my expenses. Guess what's not happening?
This is probably the worst thing I am dealing with right now. I actually had to go into work and check the schedule. I started crying once I got back to the car.
I know the company has cut back on hours, but not getting any hours when I know my coworkers are getting 12-20 hours a week stinks. The only redeemable part of this is that my parents have agreed to let me do extra chores and stuff around the house to pay off my gas money. If my work hours keep up like this I'm going to need to find a new job.
I'm really praying hard about this. I don't know what to do. I know God's in charge and that he's going to take care of me, but I don't know what I am supposed to be doing right now. That annoys the heck out of me.

Third point- I'm starting RenFaire training and I'm scared stiff. I have no idea what I've got myself into. I'm gradually getting more and more terrified. Everything about the process has felt completely paralyzing, but at the same time, it feels like home. How warped is that?

Fourth point- I don't know if I'm going to be able to dance this summer at all. I don't know if I can take time out of my work schedule to dance. This makes me want to punch a wall.

The stupid thing is that I work so that I can have money to dance and participate in RenFaire. If I don't work- what gets eliminated? The dancing, RenFaire, or the work?

Palm Beach day 1- Posh?

Oh yes, it's very posh. Like mansions and espadrilles and ocean views posh.

Writing to you live from my hotel room in sunny (now starry) Florida! Beautiful weather.
Flight was good, a wee bit bumpy- but hey, I enjoyed the miniature roller coaster. I also caught a few zzzs so I was refreshed and ready to explore once I got off the plane!

The first adventure was to Target to get the things I couldn't bring on the plane with me, like shampoo. Then my dad and I went to see the Atlantic ocean and walked along the shore and picked up a few sea shells. 
Did I happen to mention how GORGEOUS this place is? It's absolutely stunning and clean and pretty and I'm a little scared to touch anything. I feel a bit like a sparrow among swans. Oh well, this place is supposed to get plenty of tourists, they'll just have to deal with me!
Honestly, the trick is to hold up your head and act like you belong. Treat everyone with respect and kindness and don't look like a deer in headlights.
So far I've felt very safe here and that's a majorly good thing. I've seen the exterior of the college campus that I'm visiting and it looks very nice and crammed and lovely. I can't wait to see it tomorrow. Other than my very middle class overwhelmedness at how expensive this area seems (think of Chicago's North Shore neighborhoods and add the ATLANTIC OCEAN with Spanish architecture), I think it's quite lovely. We'll see what I think after the midday heat of tomorrow.

Still very nervous about my audition for the college dance program on Saturday. Praying that things go well and I come away with a strong sense of whether or not I should be here.

Tootles!