Looking to the Horizon

Today my brain feels like it will explode. Just one of those days where it is one thing after another, never ending.

So what did I do? I took a walk. That was probably the best thing I could have done today. Simple physical exertion. No ipods, cell phone turned on silent, a bottle of water to keep me hydrated. It was more than just "nice." It was needed.

Things are (in general) looking up. I've managed to navigate some stressful situations that I'm not necessarily through, but God is keeping me going. He's always there for me. I'm forever grateful for that. I know there is a plan He's laid out for me. He's shown up in amazing ways of late.

For instance....
I've been accepted into my dream school, Roosevelt University, into the Chicago College of the Performing Arts for a Musical Theater (Dance Emphasis) major. I've toured the campus, and it's so beautiful. It feels right to be in the city. I know that it's where I want to go. I want to go so badly. In my opinion, it's a bit of a miracle that I even made it into the program.

Now I'm praying and looking for a way to finance my education. All I can say about Roosevelt is that it's $$$. I'll have to take out loans, do work study, save all that I can from my part time job paycheck, and apply for a million scholarships.

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not afraid that I won't find the money to fill the gap between me and school. I will be heartbroken. I don't say or use that word lightly.

I know that if God wants me at Roosevelt, my family and I will find the money. He will provide for me wherever I need to go. He's already provided for so much in this journey. I've been well cared for and am learning to give over control. It's not easy. I have to constantly give up control of something that I have very little control over. It's simply my way to want to try and control things, especially when I want something so much.
 Still, I have faith that the money will be there. I will do my part in applying for scholarships and finding ways of saving what I can. Just one year at a time. That's all my family is focusing on right now, because we don't know if I am able to go to school this year, if I'll be able to go next year. It's a sobering thought. It adds a lot of stress to all of us. I don't like the idea of being in debt for 10-15 years after school. I'm crazy because I'm going into a field that simply doesn't pay. Why? Because performing is like breathing to me.
I'll find some way. The biggest hurdle yet was putting down the deposit and saying that I'm going to do my best to go to Roosevelt this fall.

"Live like no one else so you can live like no one else." Right, Dave Ramsey?

I hope that this is just the sun coming up and not the sun setting for me. I have my plan B, going back to Harper and finishing an associates in either Arts or History and then going from there. I've just got to trust God that He's going to come through. Because it's His will over mine. I've learned that in extraordinary ways this year. I've just got to keep learning this lesson. I'm not perfect and it's a process.

Now back to the crazy land of papers and scholarships and community college assignments.

My little dream

Time to think positive thoughts, at least for today.

While my future is something that is currently overwhelming me, it is a sea of possibilities. I'm starting to formulate tentative plans for next semester that involve a lot of Arts training and not much else (well, maybe an Algebra clep test, but let's not talk about that scary thing).

I scheduled a visit to a college that a dance teacher of mine (look back at my posts about dancing with Melinda) told me to apply for. I was accepted last year, but put the school on the shelf.
Technically it doesn't have the exact program I'm looking for, which would a Theatre degree with a concentration in Dance, so I could minor in History. I want to talk to the admissions board there about how we could work that out. I see many possibilities, one of them being that it doesn't work out. That would be okay though, because I want to go to the college that God leads me to.

For those of you who say to major in History and minor in Dance....well...I've thought about that. I don't like the idea. Yes, I know it's more "practical" but seriously, since when are most college students actually getting jobs in their degree field right now? Unless that changes dramatically in the next few years I think I'm better off going for what I love and training in performance.

I've never been one to dream about the big house on the hill with the four cars and lots of cash in the bank. I don't need designer clothing. I love thrifting. I like Aldi's, except for their produce section which makes me cringe. Bargains are awesome, but I also know that sometimes you need to shell out the cash for a quality item.

I'd be happy in an apartment in Chicago. I'd be fine with having a roommate or two to split rent. One day I'd like to be sharing that space with a husband, but that will all come in good time. I'd be happy with a cat, or two, or three. I hear they're pretty addicting. I'd be happy without a car, or a nice used car. My family has only bought one brand new car (to my knowledge). Our "newest" car is a used car. It runs perfectly fine!
Of course, I don't think I could give up my obsession for books. However, I don't think that's too much of a problem other than finding shelf space.
I'd be happy working for a Museum, Performing, Writing my stories (maybe getting paid for them), and having a group of friends who are as intellectual (and more so, because that would stretch my mind) as I am. 
One day, very far away, I'd like to adopt a child. I don't know where from, but I've wanted to adopt for a long time.

That right there, that's my little dream. I don't need the American Dream. I don't need to be a millionaire. It's not about the quantity, it's about the quality.

Now I've just got to find my way there.
I think I needed this moment of Hope, all I have to do is hold on to it and see where it goes.

Waking Up

I have encountered a new phenomenon that happens when I wake up.
I feel anxious. Like going to an audition sorta-kinda-not-really wanting to throw up anxious.
It happened every day when I woke up last week, and it happened through the weekend and it was here again today. Lovely. 

Last week I also consistently woke up with a Sea Shanty stuck in my head. Today I woke up with a "Dernnit it's only 6:30!!!!" and not being able to go back to sleep because of said stomach anxious feeling issues.
Yesterday at BRF (go see the post at Tales of Anne Drew), I also did not feel like eating ANYTHING. I would take a bite of something, be chewing it, and would feel absolutely sick. Then I would force myself to swallow and I'd be fine after a few seconds. My mother tells me that this is because of the heat. I think it sucks because I kind of need to eat to keep going through the BRF days.

But I will stop that rant and move onto what's been happening in the past week.
I got some hours at work! It's still not enough to keep me going all summer, and I have picked up some babysitting jobs, but I filled out 5 applications for various places and am praying that I get a job at one of these business establishments. Business Establishments....sounds so official, don't it?
Just to be clear- I love my job. I love the people I work with. I would be very happy if I could get a few more hours, but I don't think it's possible because I was told that the company cut back on the hours and I can't work weekends. I don't know, one of my fellow workers is leaving because she never got enough hours.

 Other than sorta working, I helped a lot around my house to pay of the gas money that I contribute as the carpool to BRF instigator. My family had a garage sale this weekend and I helped my mom sort out things, price things, and helped with the actual selling of things for a morning. It's nice to know that I won't actually have to pay for my gas from this weekend.
I also when to dance class after a two week break last Monday and it was great! I loved being back at it and I was on such a happy-high afterwards until I sat down on my train seat and was like "What did I just do?" Then I woke up sore and very happy on Tuesday. My other dance class starts this week on Thursday (I think). I'm hoping that it will be as good as the one that I took during the school year on Tuesday nights. 

I need to write more in my story. I have a problem because the part that I have to write is not the part that I want to be writing. Ergo I procrastinate. But the part that I need to be writing is very essential for certain character developments and relational standings. Still I am seriously procrastinating. This week I am aiming to get to a certain point in my writing.

Now it's almost the time that I thought I would wake up at. I think it's time to start getting the day going.

Tip of the iceberg.

Oy vey. I need a vacation, or a personal assistant. Or maybe more sleep. Less homework? More dancing? Less inconvenient work hours? Btw- I'm working from 4-9 tonight. With one 15 minute break. Cue mental breakdown. 

To put things lightly- I'm stressed out, surviving on caffeine, herbal tea, hot coca, not getting enough restful sleep, and trying to juggle 20 things at any one given time. I'm overwhelmed. I'm trying to apply for colleges and need to send supplemental things into the two I am applying for. I'm trying to keep on top of my homework. I'm doing battle with my face on a daily basis and hate looking in the mirror. The list goes on. I can't even enjoy time that I take to be with friends because I have to do SO MUCH!  

College= lots of homework. Even though only 3 of my 5 classes actually have real home-work to do, it's plenty and I still haven't done half of my ASL homework for monday. It'll get done monday morning- per usual. 

My Psych and English papers will be started sometime tomorrow? And are due on the 16th. Now, if I was a sane college student who didn't have a job, didn't go to dance class, and didn't audition for ANYTHING- these papers would be done in two days (each). I'd pat myself on the back and turn them in early. 

ha.ha.ha. Who lives in that reality? I want to punch them. Seriously.  

Btw- this is going to be a longer post. Stop reading now if you don't have the time. 

Funny story from English 102- a guy in my english class started arguing with my professor. My professor- Ms. R-W is awesome. She's really knowledgeable in a lot of different areas and she's sarcastic and is just fantastic! So this kid starts arguing with her about how to write something (I think we were talking about summarizing). Finally she says "Tim, who do you think is smarter? You or me?" 

Tim has the lack of brain to say "Uh....Um....you? Probably?" 

@$&*%#! 

Next comment is why I love my teacher. She just gives him this look that totally says 'you're really stupid' and replies "Probably." First of all- Tim had no idea what he was arguing about. He seriously didn't know the meaning of the words he was using. Really funny for those of us listening and watching Ms. R-W. 

Also- my teacher underestimates my general knowledge base. I'm going to enjoy showing her that I probably know a little bit more than the average High School Graduate. There's a few students (actually about half the class) who didn't know what an aardvark is. My teacher didn't think I that I knew what Spiritualism is, or about Harry Houdini, or Darrow (monkey trials). Btw- these all have have to do with my research paper on Arthur Conan Doyle- the author of Sherlock Holmes. Doyle was much more like Watson. This is going to be a fun class (no sarcasm)! 

Apparently everyone thinks that they are above average. Considering half of my class (plus the fact that I knew of the rare and elusive aardvark), I think I'm at least at average. Or just very well read. 

Enough of school- onto work. 

My work has scheduled me for two weeks in advance. This means I cannot take off certain days that I was planning on asking for. I've never been scheduled for more than one week in advance at a time. This means no swing-dancing on the 11th. This means a very pissed off me. However, this also means I make a LOT of money in the next few weeks. 

However- my gratis from work is going to be amazing (I get a lot of goodies!), so I am slightly appeased. Only slightly. 

From work we go onto my personal life- This is a joke, you may laugh out loud. 

Are you done laughing? Good. 

Apart from getting talked to about being an independent human being from my dermatologist (not fun)....I know I still live at home and my parents do pay for the majority of my food, car gas, and school. However, I do manage a lot of my own life. I do not need anyone accusing my mom of hovering over me. She is not a hover-mother. 

And yes, I know my face is difficult and I'm sorry my life got busy and I forgot to take my pills. I do wash my face ever day like I'm supposed to. I am trying. Don't quote Yoda, I will punch you. 

Luckily I've found two monologues that work for my Ren Faire audition, two songs, and am working on my dance piece. Clair De Lune shall be put together as soon as possible. 

Dance is going great- as usual, ergo- nothing much to say about that this week.  

Welcome to the tip of the iceberg. 

Now that we have gone over the basics and practical side of my insane life right now. Expect a post sometime in the future about what actually going on inside my head. This has only been the external. 

 

College Application Update.

At first I was going to apply to four schools.
Anderson, Eastern University, Hope, and PBA.

Then I found out that I would have to not only be accepted into Anderson's normal college before I could audition for the dance program, I would have to be accepted into the Arts and Sciences program as well. Needless to say, Anderson was off the list. It was last on my list anyway and that little piece of news sealed the deal.
Next, I start the application process for Eastern, Hope, and PBA. Hope has a scholarship program that I would have to audition for, but I don't have to audition to be in the dance program there.
The more I fill out things for the colleges, the more I feel drawn towards Hope and PBA...with Eastern on the side. Ergo- I have decided (for now) to put Eastern on the shelf. I'm not going to rule it out, but right now I don't feel like it's the place for me to go unless I visit the other two colleges and think "No way jose!"
Then yesterday I come home from community college and my mom tells me she wants to talk to me. Turns out since I will be a transferring freshman I cannot get that scholarship to Hope. My first reaction- I want to cry. I hate this whole application process, I'm worried sick that I won't be accepted and that I'll have to  rethink all of my options.
After my brain freaks out and my hearing returns so I can listen to what my mother is telling me, I find out that by being a transfer student with transferring credits I will save more money than if I got the scholarship.
With the scholarship I'd save about $10,000 total (over the four years). With my transferring credits I'm saving about $12-13,000. Crisis averted and I'm still applying to Hope.

So now it's down to one audition and two applications to finish. Now I do not need to take a lot of time off from work to go visit colleges and I have more time to prepare my REN FAIRE AUDITION!!!!
Sort of super excited? Sort of super nervous? Sort of waiting for this for YEARS! I still need to schedule my audition...oops. Putting that on the to-do list.
And I have more time to choreograph that evil piece of music otherwise known as....Clair De Lune....it's making me loony (haha- two cups of coffee today!). Oh well, I said I would choreograph the piece and dance it for a friend's wedding, and I might as well get on it. I've got about 2 months until the wedding...but 2 months can go quite fast.

And now for the amusement and disgust of my readers (I found out that I have more than 4 readers!!! I have 5!!!), a story from English 102.
Scene: It's after class and I'm picking up my things so I can vamoose. Our teacher has assigned us to pick 3 authors as possibilities for our literary research paper, and we need to write a persuasive paper on an issue that we feel strongly about (ex. the legalization of marijuana, immigration, occupy wall street, etc). These are separate papers due at different times. The teacher has explained BOTH assignments several times during the course of the class.
As I'm getting ready to leave, a girl behind me asks "So why do we need to pick three authors for a persuasive paper?"
me: "We don't. We do a persuasive paper on an issue we feel strongly about."
girl: "Then why do we need to hand it in on tuesday?"
me: "We hand in our choice of authors on tuesday."
girl: "Then why are we picking authors if we're doing the persuasive paper on an issue?"
me: "We're picking authors for a research paper."
girl: "So we're not doing a persuasive paper?"
me: "We are doing a persuasive paper." (I'm working really hard to keep a straight face and not look at her like she's nuts) "We're also doing a research paper on an author later in the semester."
girl: "When did that happen?" (We found this out the second day of class...)
me: "The teacher talked about it in class."
girl: "Oh..."
This is where I let the friend of the girl take over and explain things. Really....it doesn't take that much to understand the assignments (our teacher emails them to us too). You're taking this class for a reason, at least pay attention long enough to figure out the assignments- correctly. My English teacher is very straightforward and good at explaining things. She explained both assignments several times.
This is also the girl who argued with my teacher about how she wasn't passing a note during class....let me roll my eyes. If you're passing a piece of paper with writing on it during class- it's a note. Even if it's a phone number or email for important reasons, it's a note. Even if it's a drawing of a cute little bunny, it's a note.

It was almost entertaining, as well as highly irritating.

Back to insanity! 3 cups of coffee today!

So I guess my winter break is this week? Seriously, haven't worked too much (compared to the insanity of Christmas), school doesn't start until next week, and dance picks up again tonight!

Ok, so I guess my "break" was last week. It's cool though, I'm actually looking forward to going back to school on the 17th. It's going to be crazy busy for me Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursdays. Actually, Monday nights-Tues-Wed-Thursdays because that's when my classes "start" during the week. Wednesdays are only because I go downtown for dance so I'm out of my house from 3-11pm. Yes I'm crazy, big whoop! What else is new?

It's been nice having a little bit of breathing space, but now I need to get cracking on college applications. I'm already re-evaluating the sense in applying to one college because:
1. It's the last one on my list that I'd want to go to.
2. I can't get many scholarships there, as far as I know.
3. I need to be fully accepted BEFORE I can audition for the dance program. This means applying and being accepted to the college, then getting accepted (after ANOTHER application) into the Arts program. Oy Vey.

I'm apply to 3 other schools too, so if this one happens to be cut out....I don't really want to go to Indiana anyway, I've never found it a very exciting place to be (no offense to people who live there). All the other school have great towns around them with a LOT of stuff to be apart of. Lots of History, Arts, Culture. Time to talk to the folks about not applying there I guess....save money on not visiting one more school.

Anyway, that's a short update on what's been going on (in other words: not much). Life's going to pick up very fast and hopefully it will give me something EXCITING to write about!

For now- I have to get ready for work and then pack a bag for dance class tonight!

Later Y'all!