Being sick and feeling cared about

I certainly learned something about the life expectancy of seafood salad before it goes bad.

First time I've ever had to call in sick to work. I didn't even feel bad about calling in (which means I really was feeling ill). Yipee. Spending most of the night in a haze of dark nausea because I don't want to risk opening my eyes and possibly throwing up, even though part of me really just wants to upchuck and get it over with, is tons of fun. Sarcasm.

I finally risked puking and got up around 4AM and shuffled myself to the living room, turned on the television and tried not to look at the food commercials. Full House was on Nickelodeon. Never have I been so glad of that TV channel, cause there was nothing else on except the news and I didn't want to watch our world falling apart while I wasn't really sure if I would puke up an empty stomach (because at 4AM I don't think there is much left in your stomach).

Fell asleep on the couch from about 5:30 (after calling in sick), to 8:30. Then I spent the morning watching American Pickers while napping and trying to not move. Every time I did move I got another lovely wave of nausea. This finally started to subside around 10 in the morning and I was able to sip some Sprite.
Then came the stuffy nose and headache. I have no clue what the heck my body is trying to tell me. I understand that we don't eat any more seafood salad that is over one day old. Can we not get sick with a cold though? I'd really appreciate that. I have a college visit at the end of the week.

Something on a slightly different note that I want to mention.
November has been a slightly better month for me that September and October where. Maybe because I'm finally trying to stop doing everything on my own, or maybe my Grandpa is watching over me. It's our month, after all. I still miss him a lot.
I've noticed a lot of friends using terms of endearment for me lately, mostly among my friends who are older than I am (which is completely fine with me).  Lately I've heard the words "sweetling, sweetie, darling, baby, hun, sweetheart" and probably a few other words that I'm blanking out on.
All my life my Grandpa called me "beautiful." It's a special term that I associate with him. I'm especially sensitive about these things during November because our birthdays are in this month. I used to hate terms of endearment, but lately I've been finding them to be comforting. This morning there was a small outburst of "feel better" well wishers on my facebook page and even though I still felt awful physically I felt a lot better emotionally because of the family I seem to have landed myself in. I don't feel like I collected some of my new friends (as I used to think), I feel more like they took me in to their circles and collected me.

Now that my slightly sick state has made me go all mushy (because that above is about as mushy as I get), I'm going to try cooking some Mrs. Grassy's chicken noodle soup. I've grown up with this as my "post stomach upset" food and it's never failed me so far. I haven't been queasy since 10AM and have been keeping the Sprite down. I think I can do this. 

Other than feeling like a lump all day, I got word from my Creative Writing Professor about my mid-term grades. I'm pulling an A in her class! Now if I can manage to get through History with a B I'll be happy with this semester.

A Haunting We Will Go!

In which I tell the story of my first Haunted House.

I thought I was going to go to Fear City a couple weeks ago, but it didn't quite work out. Life can kind of smack you in the face, you know? Anyways, I got an invite from a Bristol Friend by the name of Elizabeth to go on Monday night and I wasn't about to let this second opportunity pass me by.

Well the first thing that made me at home about this place were the Tardis blue port-a-privies. It was cold out and, man, was I glad I made sure to make that little trip at home.
Now, being a theatre person, I walk into the lobby and start going nuts over how cool the atmosphere is. Very nicely done. I even liked the promos about the zombies and the walk around characters' make up was SO COOL!!! Unfortunately, none of them would break character and tell me what brand of stuff they use...or fortunately because their job is to creep people out before they even get into the Haunted House!

The first haunted house (of the zombie variety) was cool. I think I jumped only a handful of times and honestly thought that it was super creative. I don't think anything genuinely scared me. I mean, there was this zombie pimp guy that was kind of nasty, but he also reminded me of the MC from Carabet, so it was funny too. I really liked the neon circus part, and the maze, and the white strobe light room, and the "dementor." I think the dementor (whatever that was) was the only thing that genuinely gave me even a hint of the willies.

I'm trying not to give too much away of what was in the houses because why spoil it for someone else?

The second haunted house had much more potential for a scare factor in my opinion. Unfortunately, since I knew a decent amount of people in the house, I was too busy playing "spot the rennies" and shouting out people's names when I saw them (or thought I saw them) to actually get scared. Plus, the second house was a bit more "spectacular" so I was appreciating all of the creativity and use of strobe and black lighting. I wish I could have gotten a better look at some of the rooms, but because of the strobe effects it was a little difficult.

To be honest, the things that scare me aren't zombies or black lit ghosts and people following me. I mean, it was a lot of fun to try and figure out if there was going to be someone around the next corner, but after that first thrill I simply saw straight through to the person screaming/growling/staring at me.

What scares me more are the people in this world. Somehow, a zombie with a plastic machete isn't nearly as terrifying as waking up not knowing if today will be your last day. Someone following you in a haunted house isn't as scary as someone you think might be following you while you're walking home in the dark. Wandering through a maze without any idea of direction isn't worse than wandering through life thinking that you're going somewhere, only to have your plans come crashing around you.
Haunted houses are a joke compared to life. Maybe that's why we love them, because they make us think that life isn't the scariest thing out there. I'm not calling the Haunted House I went to a "joke." Let me make it clear that I loved the Haunted House and thought it was awesome! I'd totally go again next year!

Now for a conscience check-
Tuesday I did something I'm not proud of. I didn't sleep at all Monday night (and it wasn't due to the fact that I had been to a haunted house) and I skipped my second class of the day to go home and sleep because I just couldn't deal with the world. I wanted everything to just stop. I had the worst sense that the world was spinning around me and there was nothing I could do. All that on a normal day would be difficult. On a day without any sleep the previous night? I caved and skipped Western Civilization.
Did I need that sleep? Yes, I really did. I felt 80% better and was in a much better state of mind.

I also had trouble sleeping on Wednesday night, so I'm wondering if there is something at school that is really stressing me out. Thursday was actually an ok day, my writing class was fantastic, I met with an adviser and got my classes for next semester picked out (such a load off my mind!), and my history teacher wasn't as immature as usual except for one or two brief moments (as opposed to a full half hour-45 minutes of class). 


Let's hope this pattern continues for a few more days.

Waking Up

I have encountered a new phenomenon that happens when I wake up.
I feel anxious. Like going to an audition sorta-kinda-not-really wanting to throw up anxious.
It happened every day when I woke up last week, and it happened through the weekend and it was here again today. Lovely. 

Last week I also consistently woke up with a Sea Shanty stuck in my head. Today I woke up with a "Dernnit it's only 6:30!!!!" and not being able to go back to sleep because of said stomach anxious feeling issues.
Yesterday at BRF (go see the post at Tales of Anne Drew), I also did not feel like eating ANYTHING. I would take a bite of something, be chewing it, and would feel absolutely sick. Then I would force myself to swallow and I'd be fine after a few seconds. My mother tells me that this is because of the heat. I think it sucks because I kind of need to eat to keep going through the BRF days.

But I will stop that rant and move onto what's been happening in the past week.
I got some hours at work! It's still not enough to keep me going all summer, and I have picked up some babysitting jobs, but I filled out 5 applications for various places and am praying that I get a job at one of these business establishments. Business Establishments....sounds so official, don't it?
Just to be clear- I love my job. I love the people I work with. I would be very happy if I could get a few more hours, but I don't think it's possible because I was told that the company cut back on the hours and I can't work weekends. I don't know, one of my fellow workers is leaving because she never got enough hours.

 Other than sorta working, I helped a lot around my house to pay of the gas money that I contribute as the carpool to BRF instigator. My family had a garage sale this weekend and I helped my mom sort out things, price things, and helped with the actual selling of things for a morning. It's nice to know that I won't actually have to pay for my gas from this weekend.
I also when to dance class after a two week break last Monday and it was great! I loved being back at it and I was on such a happy-high afterwards until I sat down on my train seat and was like "What did I just do?" Then I woke up sore and very happy on Tuesday. My other dance class starts this week on Thursday (I think). I'm hoping that it will be as good as the one that I took during the school year on Tuesday nights. 

I need to write more in my story. I have a problem because the part that I have to write is not the part that I want to be writing. Ergo I procrastinate. But the part that I need to be writing is very essential for certain character developments and relational standings. Still I am seriously procrastinating. This week I am aiming to get to a certain point in my writing.

Now it's almost the time that I thought I would wake up at. I think it's time to start getting the day going.

Dreams

I really do have the weirdest dreams.

It's rare that I dream about people that I know. It's even rarer that I have the same dream twice. Usually my dreams take on plots (that shift and change with the dreams). If people that I know show up, they don't always act like themselves. Places that I know like the back of my hand, suddenly are brand new. Most of the time my dream takes place somewhere I've never been but am totally familiar with.

Once I did actually have the same dream twice. When I was very little I had a dream where I was in this huge building (we'll call it a house, but I don't even know what type of building this would be). I wandered from room to room, and each room was pretty cool. I think one room had a dinosaur party with real dinosaurs, and one room was a gymnasium, etc.
Then I got to a room that was just a spinning swirl of blue and purple. There was a large black bulk in the room and I was really scared because I had no clue what that bulk was. I woke up and labeled the dream under "nightmares."
Years later, I was probably 11 or 12, I have the exact same dream. Same rooms, same everything (or enough of the same that I recognized when I woke up that it was that dream). Then I get to that blue swirling room.
The black hulk is replaced by a person! Guess who?
Floop. From spy kids. Random much? I woke up from that dream thinking "What the heck?" But that's not really a strange thing to have characters from books or TV or movies show up in my dreams.

My favorite dreams often have been about Robin Hood. I've had many Robin Hood dreams over the years spanning back to when I was pretty little. I blame the Ren Faire and Errol Flynn.
I also have had numerous dreams about and taking place in the Ren Faire. I've dreamed that I've lived there in a tree house before. I'm have sailing dreams, I've had flying dreams.

I've also had dreams where things in real life come to pass. Once, when I was sick I had a dream about a friend who was looking for me at the homeschool co-op I went to. They actually called me a short time later and asked where I was. Upon questioning (at a later time), I found out that they were wearing exactly what I had dreamed that they wore, and they had been looking for me in the exact places that I dreamed about.
This is just one example of a very rare occurrence. I do not usually dream about people and what they are doing in real life. The fact was that I knew that I hadn't told this friend that I was sick. I knew they would be looking for me, and based upon their dressing habits it wouldn't be too surprising that I actually got their clothing right in my dream.


The annoying thing is that when I dream about people that I know, they don't usually act like themselves in real life. So if they do act like themselves and do something....I don't know....NORMAL, I get mixed up and sometimes forget that the particular thing didn't happen in real life.
Last night I had a dream about being at the Ren Faire and talking to some people, and I found out that one of the veteran performers was going blind and wouldn't be able to perform for much longer. Now all of the people in my dream last night were real people. This does not usually happen. Second of all, the veteran performer is in very good health and I don't expect them to go blind any time soon. This is one of those "realistic" dreams that drive me bananas. I wake up feeling like the things that happened in my dream are facts, and then realize how absurd my dream was.

Funny how a dream about a person going blind is labeled and absurd dream, but a dream where I'm chased by death eaters in white robes through a banquet hall/office building until I'm trapped and can't rescue any of my friends is a "normal" dream.
By the way, that death eater dream was not labeled as a nightmare. My nightmares are extreme and vivid and I often have woken up and cried. Unless it's a bumble bee dream, then I wake up with a sore neck, paralyzed.
I haven't had a nightmare for a long time. I'm beyond thankful for that. There was a time where I hated sleeping because I had a nightmare every night. Horrible nightmares, think the worst nightmare you've ever had multiply it by five. I'd wake up around 3am and start sobbing until I calmed myself down and coaxed myself back to sleep for a few more hours.
Huh, that's probably why I was so keen on after lunch naps for a while.

All this to say, I woke up at 6am and couldn't fall back asleep so I decided to write a post about my weird dreams. Ask me to tell you about one of them sometime. They're actually pretty cool for the most part and I get a lot of story ideas from them.

New Studio!

For the first time in months, I'm debating going to class because I'm so tired.

Emotionally, physically, mentally, I'm tired. I smile involuntarily when I'm talking to people, not because I'm happy. Even if I'm complaining, I'm smiling (trying not to complain much, my life is too blessed to be cluttered with complaints). It's kind of funny because I said something about life being a little stressful, and someone said "But you're smiling!" to which I wittily replied, "Really?" I don't even recognize when I'm smiling anymore! I find this funny, does anyone else?
Physical tiredness is the easiest and hardest to deal with in my opinion. Easiest because, well, it's not being emotionally drained or mentally unable to compute things any longer. Hardest because trying to keep your eyes open when all you want to do is fall over is kind of difficult.
Mental tiredness? I actually suppose that this isn't one of my problems at the moment. I'm probably fine as far as my mental energy goes. I don't think I ever really run out of mental energy. Now if only I can figure out how to make that mental energy turn into physical energy...

So last night I found a new studio! This one has a pre-professional class for ages 18 and up. It was amazing! A bit further than the one I have been going to on Tuesday nights (30 minutes vs. 15), but I think it will be well worth it! The class is twice a week too! Tuesdays and Thursdays! I loved it and can't wait to go back!
The only problem now is that I'm so tired today that I'm wondering if going to class at the HugeStudio is a good idea. Granted, I did work for five hours yesterday, then go to an intense dance class, then get up for a 9AM class today. Will I cut myself slack?
Maybe I just will take Jazz and not Pilates today. Make up for it by stretching and doing some exercises at home. Take out a few Pilates DVDs from the library. That sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

Funny story from yesterday.
Got a visit from the Mayor of the town I live in at the shop I work at (Bath and Body Works). Totally didn't recognize her. One of those "I definitely should know who you are but I can't place you" moments. Of course, she was very nice and pleasant, read my name-tag and joked about loving sales tax. I kinda guessed that she was the mayor once she joked about the tax, but I still wasn't sure. So she left the store and my co-worker turns to me and says "You know who that was right?"
Once again, my witty remarks surface. "Um...I'm not sure."
Of course I felt a little embarrassed that I didn't recognize the mayor, but at least my co-worker was really nice about my little bought of forgetfulness. Now I will always recognize the mayor-of-the-town-I-live-in.

Writer's Block?

Or am I just too dang tired to write right now?
Maybe a combination of both!

I want to write, I really do, I really want to make progress on my story that never ends (or gets a full rough draft, my poor characters are going stir crazy)! Things just keep getting in the way...like homework...or amusing internet sites...or procrastination.

Actually I've been pretty faithful about my writing habits except for this last week. Of course, it's taken me forever to figure out how I want to actually write my story, but once I figured that out it was off to the races!
Until the unevitable happened.

dun....Dun.......DUUUUUN.
The dreaded Writer's Block.

I'm a girl trying to write a chapter about girl bonding. I'm a girl who isn't good at writing about girly stuff. Like flowers and boy talk and romance and clothes. I can write about greatly detailed costume changes, but not about two girls talking about clothes. Or recipes, or anything of that superficial sort that we girls bond over. Supposedly.
I don't think I've ever actually "bonded" that way. I talk about books and politics and movies and history. Yes I talk about clothes and boys and what clothes boys wear (guys look good in pirate shirts- just saying), but it's not the foremost thing that I've really bonded with my closest friends over.

So maybe I need to find another topic, a common experience or pain that my characters share. Proven fact, readers are gripped when your character goes through something painful.
Case and Point- The Hunger Games. Fantastic books. I loved each one of them. What's the main thing that happens throughout the plot? The main character Katniss Everdeen (K.E.- Like me! haha) goes through one painful (whether emotional or physical) trail after the other. She gets scared and scarred, she is tough and lasts through it. She has breakdowns and needs comforting. What else is so gripping than being knocked down but surviving despite the odds?
By the Way- I love the Hunger Games, those books are a great work of young adult fiction. I thought that because of the hype that it might be just another Twilight cult classic, but this book is a lot deeper than a klutz with a taste for cold dead guys. Although- when I need a good dose of fluff, to Twilight I turn! 

Maybe my characters are a little to comfortable right now. Maybe I need to dredge up an old pain. (insert evil manic laughter). Oh let's just see what happens shall we?

While sleep eludes me and my mood plumets.

For some reason my body has decided that I don't need sleep.
Excuse me while I go have a talk with myself about how I DO NOT FUNCTION WELL WITHOUT SLEEP!!! Or coffee, but that's another story.

Let's see, four hours tops last night, four hours previous the night before, and one night of goodness know how many hours (not more than 5) the night before that.
Did I mention I've been going non-stop for the past week? Yeah, there's a reason I drink coffee in the mornings. I'm just not coherent otherwise. I do not like the dependency, but the alternative is to be seriously irritable, brain dead, and emotionally unstable.
Coffee is my emotional pacifier. Seriously, I know this to be true. When my grandfather died, I drank coffee and was able to cope through that whole week without seriously losing it. When my friend Christian died at age 17, I got coffee and I was able to at least get a grip. When college started and I was petrified, lonely, and down in the dumps- you guessed it- coffee made sure I didn't have a mental breakdown.

I am noticing a pattern here. Let's see, I lose my grandfather and a friend within a year of each other, have serious upheaval in my life (aka "college"), and have not had a serious overwhelming breakdown. Is this good or bad? Am I just surviving, or thriving?

If you guessed surviving- you get the satisfaction of knowing that you are CORRECT!
I have got to get some sleep and stop being sarcastic. Or just drink a truckload of coffee.

In everything- praise God, even when you feel like you might snap at any second.
Thank you God that I have enough food that I can pick and choose which unhealthy overly sugared candy bar I will eat during ASL break.
Thank you for friends who laugh at my tiredness and cut me slack for being so horrible right now.
Thank you for Dance
Thank you for giving me COFFEE!!!
Thank you for granting me grace
And strength
And patience
And understanding
Thanks for being my anchor.
Thank you for never giving up on me.