Promises.

Yes I feel very guilty for neglecting my "real life" blog.

Here's what happened- real life.

Bristol ended, and school started. Along with school, I am working part time as a barista and earning more in one week than I earned in two weeks at my old job. Part of that is they pay me a little bit better, and I also have a minimum of 12 hours a week because it's a union job. Along with schooling and my job, I teach dance on Thursday nights and take dance on Monday and Thursday.

Oh, and I went to one audition on Saturday, and am planning on going to another a week from tomorrow. I didn't do my best at the audition on Saturday, but you win some and you lose some right? I'm actually okay considering that I think I won't make the show. I have only been cut from something once, and to be honest, I'm looking forward to getting some rejections.

Along with dealing with the lovely stress of auditions, I have the lovely stress of having a teacher in my Western Civilization class who likes to stress me out. That is all I will say on this topic because I do not want this blog to turn into a ranting spot.

Add on top of that, trying to maintain the friendships I started this summer at Bristol. It's tough. I miss people. I miss a LOT of people.
I remember one of my friends from Bristol promising me that they'd have a movie night and have me come and visit. Now, with some "theater type people" saying that "we should have a movie night" is like when you meet an old acquaintance and promise to have coffee without really ever meaning what you say. I've learned to take promises of future events with a grain of salt and try not to hope too hard. I also try to follow through on my promises of this type of nature, or at least acknowledge that these speculative ideas are simply ideas.
However, I had a good amount of faith in this person and they made good on their promise. So yesterday I hoped onto a train and got myself to the city for a Pirate Movie Night. I think I was almost looking forward to this too much.
To put things briefly- this week has stressed me out more than most weeks. On top of social complications, work, school, auditions, and a queasy stomach, I've had to make some hard choices about how much my faith comes into my life. This does not make for a very sane me.

Last year I relied on coffee as my pacifier, this year it is Chai Tea.

It's amazing how seeing just a few dear friends can make a difference. I was actually able to eat a decent sized meal for the first time in about five days. I found myself able to relax without having to remind myself to release the tension in my shoulders. I was up until about 2 AM playing a board game that still doesn't make any sense, but it was fun and I was with people I've been missing for weeks. This was a promise fulfilled.

As I was thinking about this today, I've been wondering about what has God promised me? I can't say I like all of the challenges put in front of me recently. Some of them have been downright painful and I want to know why. Have you ever felt like just asking God, WHY?
A few weeks ago I made a commitment to go further in my faith and welcome the challenges that would be brought to me. This week's challenges made me remember exactly how miserable I felt last year, because that's how I felt for a few days this week. There was lots of Chai Tea and teddy-bear hugging. Now we're back to just the Chai Tea stage.
I remember hearing the small voice that said "I can't wait to show you the plans I have for you." and I knew it was God talking to me. That was only two weeks ago. My life has certainly become topsy truvy in the last 14 days.
If last year was about learning to trust God no matter what. I think this year I'm hearing the word "Obey" and "Surrender." Not easy concepts for me to grasp. However, I want to see what promises and plans God has for me this year. 

Now I've got to get back to more of that stressful history homework for that "wonderful" professor who is currently driving me up a wall.

Challenges

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30

This summer my faith has been challenged in ways I didn't think it would be. No one has outright challenged me as to why I believe what I believe, but questions have been coming up in my head every now and then and I actually have to think about "Why wouldn't I go along with that?" or "Is this what I really believe?"


Unfortunately, some of these things I don't know the answers too. I just don't know what I think about some maters when it comes to the world around me. I don't think this is a bad thing either. I like things that make me think and grow and form my own opinion.
Something that I want to strive for is basing my opinions and beliefs on what I have discovered and researched and come to believe, rather than just relying on what I've been taught all my life.

Let me clarify that I am NOT saying that what I've been taught is wrong. A lot of what I've been taught growing up I believe to be right, but I've come to that decision based on researching the answers for myself and "double checking." What can I say, I like to learn and research. I want to know the reasoning behind why I believe what I believe.

"So be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16


Since I am firm in a few things about my faith, I know I cannot bend the few principles I am firm on. If I bend them, what is holding me up? What standards can I have if I don't uphold the few things I am certain of now?
Sometimes it's really hard and I don't want to say "no." I've had to say no and pull back a couple times. More than a few times I've thought about bending. You can only bend so far until you break.

One thing I do know, is that I am firm in the essentials of my faith. I believe that Christianity is about love. Ultimately that's what my faith is all about. I am a failing human loved by a perfect God who I love as my Abba-Father. I will make mistakes and screw up (a lot) and He will still love me and forgive me.

I am really nervous about posting this. I've never posted anything so blatant about my faith before. 


If anything, this summer has taught me that I will be okay in the world and still maintain my faith. I might be going through an upward climb, but it's going to be okay. The first week of college was much easier than last year, and I already know I'm going to grow in many ways.
Last year was trusting that God would get me through each day. Now I've been able to get through that hard year and I know I will be provided for. This year is going to be new challenges and I'm looking forward to finding out what my Abba-Father and I will be working on this year. 

Hopefully I will be posting again soon on my Astonishing blog. I know I've been really heavy on the Anne blog this summer, but that blog has been there to chronicle my summer at Faire, and for the most part that's what I've been doing other than working (new job as Barista).
We have one weekend left for the Faire and I hope that if you haven't gone yet that you will come this weekend! It would mean a lot to me. I love the people that I am working with and they are the kindest most genuine people on earth. Look on my Anne blog for the last few posts I will be writing, including what will happen with my Anne blog once Faire is over, which I still need to think through.

Thank you for letting me be vulnerable through my writing, even if I'm hiding behind the mask of the internet.

2011- The roller coaster

Now for the traditional reflection on my past year. Half of which I won't really write about. Here we go!

This year has been a whirlwind of lessons and discoveries, to say the least. Some things I learned I saw coming a mile away before they happened, and I could only brace myself for impact. Some things I was totally surprised by. Other things have been tapping me on the shoulder constantly saying "my turn."
This past year I've learned the acute feelings of loss, and joy, and the feeling of leaning on God just to get me through the day hour by hour. This past year I've fought a lot of the fears and "demons" inside of me. I've gotten through phobias, while others have been (unfortunately) cultivated and established as new things to eradicate in this new year. I'm following my dreams and so far I love it! It's hard on a day to day basis, but I'll work though this. I'm a little too stubborn to just take hardships lying down, and I can't exactly run away from myself forever.

If I could have done anything better this year- it would have been a more dedicated commitment to growing closer to God. I've probably prayed more this year, but I'm not sure if I've learned quite the right way to pray, or seek out God's wisdom. I most definitely haven't followed through in my Bible reading like I've wanted too. I had a pretty bad lapse of that in November and through most of December. It wasn't because I didn't feel like I needed God either. Bad lapse over the summer too.
This past summer (as many of you know) God made it clear that I need to pursue dancing. Only a few weeks ago (or maybe just one week- I can't tell time accurately anymore!) I got another message from Him through a friend, and that message completely shook me.

He told me He loved me.
"I love you, I love you, I love you."
"I miss you."

Two very powerful things to hear from my Lord, Father, God. Even more powerful than hearing that dance will haunt me my entire life, or that I need to look inside my heart to find the answer to what I should do with dance. I cried when He told me He loved me, because He knows just how much I struggle with the concept of love and being loved. Just the idea that He could love any bit of me is astounding. I don't understand it at all. I could only say "I'm sorry."
In return He told me, "I know." Not just the regular "Yeah, I get what you mean" type of I know. He knows. He knows me inside out and knows how much I want to return to him. So now I just have to get past myself and get back to my Father's arms.
My God loves me. It's really kind of funny because last June I said a prayer saying "God, take control of my love life. I've struggled with matters of affection and the heart all my life, I'm giving this totally over to you."
Funny things happen when you do stuff like that. Your world is turned upside down. It wasn't easy at all for me, but I know that I had to close a chapter of my life to open another. Now, I hear from God that He loves me. He loves me!
One of my goals for this year is to let God woo me. I want God to teach me and mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I want to grow closer and become more and more fearless for Him. I want to focus on the tasks he has for me right now instead of dreaming too far ahead of getting caught up in the past. I want God to take me through my fears and destroy them. They shouldn't have any power over me and I'm tired of living with them!

Last year I wrote a few reasonable resolutions. With the exception of one resolution, finishing the rough draft of my now much more massive story, I think I managed to keep to all of them in one way or another.
The one thing that will always be consistent in my resolutions is this "Grow closer to God." How that happens throughout the years I leave up to Him and whatever happens.

And maybe that rough draft will get done this year...we'll see.