Being Patriotic

July 4th, the official day that America declared that they were independent from Britain. Our day as American citizens to show that we're proud of our country and our government and our freedoms. We celebrate with hot dogs and hamburgers and fireworks. Oh, and apple pie, who could forget the apple pie?

Actually, until recently I counted myself in the "I don't like pie" group. For some reason (maybe some friends who are AMAZING cooks and bakers) my taste buds seem to have expanded and I now like pie. However, this is not a post about my journey of finding out that I like pie! It's about my personal patiotism and how I feel about my country.

Since I'm a citizen of America, I get to say what I want about how my government runs my country. A group of remarkable men set down in writing a list of rights that every man is entitled to in this country. Unfortunately they are all dead, so we can't ask them what they think of the country today.

Last week I took a vacation to Colorado Springs. I got to hike around the mountains a little bit, and wondered at how those pioneers made it through the Rockies and all the way to Oregon in their covered wagons. Granted, they were a lot hardier than we are today. Those mountains are beautiful and breathtaking. I could see why people are proud to be apart of this country just because of the land. Unfortunately, some days, I think that's all I'm proud of about this country.

It's no secret that our schools are failing when compared to the rest of the world. I'm continually disgusted and flustered when my little sister talks to me about what she's learning in school. I've read a few of the books she was required to read throughout the year, most of them are good, but there should be more of them. There is so much "busywork" that I'm not sure what purpose is served by those packets other than to take up time and drill test taking skills into my little sister, who forgets the information she learned as soon as she's done with the test. Her brain space needs to be filled with new information to spit back out and forget once another test is done. I'm worried for the future generations of school children and what exactly they are going to come out of school knowing about their country and their history.

Then there is the government. I don't follow politics enough to fully understand what's going on all the time, but when I do start reading about what's going on, I start to fear for what might happen. I respect that running a country this large is difficult and I would not want that responsibility. Each president inherits the problems and flukes that the previous president had to deal with, and in some instances, created. Then there are the political parties, so obsessed with their own agendas that they would rather block the other party from making a difference than work with that party for the good of the people. I'm not referring to any party in particular, just making an observation about the parties in general. There are some great things that people are trying to accomplish through our government. They are imperfect, but at least there is groundwork being laid down. Then again, there are many rights that people try and take away though pushing agendas and egos. 

But then there are the people that I meet along the way who just ordinary people. They're living their life just as I'm living mine. Making it day to day, reacting to what's going on in the capitol. These are hard working people. These are kind and generous people who have their hopes and dreams and are entitled to those dreams.
Unfortunately, America seems to promise fame, fortune, and power to anyone who wants these qualities. Not everyone will be famous, rich, or a CEO who wields great power over a company. I don't really care about being famous, rich, or a CEO. Not every little child will get to be president. Not every child will go to the moon. I might not make it on the stage.
My "American Dream" is more about being stable. I don't want my name plastered across magazines for what I'm wearing on any particular day, or what drama is going on. The idea of not having any privacy, like many celebrities, it appalling. If my friends know who I am, and I'm able to have a decent network among my coworkers and professional world, that could get me along just fine. I don't need a million dollars (even though that would take care of my college tuition), but being able to pay my bills and keep above debt would be nice. I don't need to influence thousands of employees, but being able to mentor a young woman or two as an "older sister" has brought me joy.

America has a history just like any other country. We've had our very proud moments of success and being able to lend a hand. We've had our very bad days of surrender and meddling where we shouldn't. We've brought people to our land, and we've tried to annihilate other people as well. So we're a mixed bag, which country isn't? We've got a lot of problems to fix, which country doesn't?

Back to that pioneer thing. Some days I have trouble feeling patriotic because of all of the troubles that I see going on in America. However, looking out over the mountains, I could see why people are proud of this country. Driving in the car on the way back, I saw towns and farms pass by and thought about my country. It is a beautiful and varied landscape to be sure. I can see why people would be wiling to fight for this land if that's where they felt they had a home and a life. I'm grateful that I live somewhere where I can write these opinions without fear of retaliation (other than from internet trolls and the like). I get to live where my gender does not (directly) limit me in my vocational choices and quality of life. I get to practice the religion of my choosing without worrying about being jailed or killed for what I believe.

So today I'm wearing blue, my hair is already red, and I'll figure something out for the white. I'm proud of the progress my country has made over time, and pray that it will continue to progress for the greater good of the people who inhabit this vast nation. I'll go dancing and celebrate our founding fathers writing the Declaration of Independence. I will remember the women and men who have died forming this country, and the members of the armed forces who have defended us.

Today, I'm all right with being American. It's not a bad thing to be.

Being sick and feeling cared about

I certainly learned something about the life expectancy of seafood salad before it goes bad.

First time I've ever had to call in sick to work. I didn't even feel bad about calling in (which means I really was feeling ill). Yipee. Spending most of the night in a haze of dark nausea because I don't want to risk opening my eyes and possibly throwing up, even though part of me really just wants to upchuck and get it over with, is tons of fun. Sarcasm.

I finally risked puking and got up around 4AM and shuffled myself to the living room, turned on the television and tried not to look at the food commercials. Full House was on Nickelodeon. Never have I been so glad of that TV channel, cause there was nothing else on except the news and I didn't want to watch our world falling apart while I wasn't really sure if I would puke up an empty stomach (because at 4AM I don't think there is much left in your stomach).

Fell asleep on the couch from about 5:30 (after calling in sick), to 8:30. Then I spent the morning watching American Pickers while napping and trying to not move. Every time I did move I got another lovely wave of nausea. This finally started to subside around 10 in the morning and I was able to sip some Sprite.
Then came the stuffy nose and headache. I have no clue what the heck my body is trying to tell me. I understand that we don't eat any more seafood salad that is over one day old. Can we not get sick with a cold though? I'd really appreciate that. I have a college visit at the end of the week.

Something on a slightly different note that I want to mention.
November has been a slightly better month for me that September and October where. Maybe because I'm finally trying to stop doing everything on my own, or maybe my Grandpa is watching over me. It's our month, after all. I still miss him a lot.
I've noticed a lot of friends using terms of endearment for me lately, mostly among my friends who are older than I am (which is completely fine with me).  Lately I've heard the words "sweetling, sweetie, darling, baby, hun, sweetheart" and probably a few other words that I'm blanking out on.
All my life my Grandpa called me "beautiful." It's a special term that I associate with him. I'm especially sensitive about these things during November because our birthdays are in this month. I used to hate terms of endearment, but lately I've been finding them to be comforting. This morning there was a small outburst of "feel better" well wishers on my facebook page and even though I still felt awful physically I felt a lot better emotionally because of the family I seem to have landed myself in. I don't feel like I collected some of my new friends (as I used to think), I feel more like they took me in to their circles and collected me.

Now that my slightly sick state has made me go all mushy (because that above is about as mushy as I get), I'm going to try cooking some Mrs. Grassy's chicken noodle soup. I've grown up with this as my "post stomach upset" food and it's never failed me so far. I haven't been queasy since 10AM and have been keeping the Sprite down. I think I can do this. 

Other than feeling like a lump all day, I got word from my Creative Writing Professor about my mid-term grades. I'm pulling an A in her class! Now if I can manage to get through History with a B I'll be happy with this semester.

A Haunting We Will Go!

In which I tell the story of my first Haunted House.

I thought I was going to go to Fear City a couple weeks ago, but it didn't quite work out. Life can kind of smack you in the face, you know? Anyways, I got an invite from a Bristol Friend by the name of Elizabeth to go on Monday night and I wasn't about to let this second opportunity pass me by.

Well the first thing that made me at home about this place were the Tardis blue port-a-privies. It was cold out and, man, was I glad I made sure to make that little trip at home.
Now, being a theatre person, I walk into the lobby and start going nuts over how cool the atmosphere is. Very nicely done. I even liked the promos about the zombies and the walk around characters' make up was SO COOL!!! Unfortunately, none of them would break character and tell me what brand of stuff they use...or fortunately because their job is to creep people out before they even get into the Haunted House!

The first haunted house (of the zombie variety) was cool. I think I jumped only a handful of times and honestly thought that it was super creative. I don't think anything genuinely scared me. I mean, there was this zombie pimp guy that was kind of nasty, but he also reminded me of the MC from Carabet, so it was funny too. I really liked the neon circus part, and the maze, and the white strobe light room, and the "dementor." I think the dementor (whatever that was) was the only thing that genuinely gave me even a hint of the willies.

I'm trying not to give too much away of what was in the houses because why spoil it for someone else?

The second haunted house had much more potential for a scare factor in my opinion. Unfortunately, since I knew a decent amount of people in the house, I was too busy playing "spot the rennies" and shouting out people's names when I saw them (or thought I saw them) to actually get scared. Plus, the second house was a bit more "spectacular" so I was appreciating all of the creativity and use of strobe and black lighting. I wish I could have gotten a better look at some of the rooms, but because of the strobe effects it was a little difficult.

To be honest, the things that scare me aren't zombies or black lit ghosts and people following me. I mean, it was a lot of fun to try and figure out if there was going to be someone around the next corner, but after that first thrill I simply saw straight through to the person screaming/growling/staring at me.

What scares me more are the people in this world. Somehow, a zombie with a plastic machete isn't nearly as terrifying as waking up not knowing if today will be your last day. Someone following you in a haunted house isn't as scary as someone you think might be following you while you're walking home in the dark. Wandering through a maze without any idea of direction isn't worse than wandering through life thinking that you're going somewhere, only to have your plans come crashing around you.
Haunted houses are a joke compared to life. Maybe that's why we love them, because they make us think that life isn't the scariest thing out there. I'm not calling the Haunted House I went to a "joke." Let me make it clear that I loved the Haunted House and thought it was awesome! I'd totally go again next year!

Now for a conscience check-
Tuesday I did something I'm not proud of. I didn't sleep at all Monday night (and it wasn't due to the fact that I had been to a haunted house) and I skipped my second class of the day to go home and sleep because I just couldn't deal with the world. I wanted everything to just stop. I had the worst sense that the world was spinning around me and there was nothing I could do. All that on a normal day would be difficult. On a day without any sleep the previous night? I caved and skipped Western Civilization.
Did I need that sleep? Yes, I really did. I felt 80% better and was in a much better state of mind.

I also had trouble sleeping on Wednesday night, so I'm wondering if there is something at school that is really stressing me out. Thursday was actually an ok day, my writing class was fantastic, I met with an adviser and got my classes for next semester picked out (such a load off my mind!), and my history teacher wasn't as immature as usual except for one or two brief moments (as opposed to a full half hour-45 minutes of class). 


Let's hope this pattern continues for a few more days.

My little dream

Time to think positive thoughts, at least for today.

While my future is something that is currently overwhelming me, it is a sea of possibilities. I'm starting to formulate tentative plans for next semester that involve a lot of Arts training and not much else (well, maybe an Algebra clep test, but let's not talk about that scary thing).

I scheduled a visit to a college that a dance teacher of mine (look back at my posts about dancing with Melinda) told me to apply for. I was accepted last year, but put the school on the shelf.
Technically it doesn't have the exact program I'm looking for, which would a Theatre degree with a concentration in Dance, so I could minor in History. I want to talk to the admissions board there about how we could work that out. I see many possibilities, one of them being that it doesn't work out. That would be okay though, because I want to go to the college that God leads me to.

For those of you who say to major in History and minor in Dance....well...I've thought about that. I don't like the idea. Yes, I know it's more "practical" but seriously, since when are most college students actually getting jobs in their degree field right now? Unless that changes dramatically in the next few years I think I'm better off going for what I love and training in performance.

I've never been one to dream about the big house on the hill with the four cars and lots of cash in the bank. I don't need designer clothing. I love thrifting. I like Aldi's, except for their produce section which makes me cringe. Bargains are awesome, but I also know that sometimes you need to shell out the cash for a quality item.

I'd be happy in an apartment in Chicago. I'd be fine with having a roommate or two to split rent. One day I'd like to be sharing that space with a husband, but that will all come in good time. I'd be happy with a cat, or two, or three. I hear they're pretty addicting. I'd be happy without a car, or a nice used car. My family has only bought one brand new car (to my knowledge). Our "newest" car is a used car. It runs perfectly fine!
Of course, I don't think I could give up my obsession for books. However, I don't think that's too much of a problem other than finding shelf space.
I'd be happy working for a Museum, Performing, Writing my stories (maybe getting paid for them), and having a group of friends who are as intellectual (and more so, because that would stretch my mind) as I am. 
One day, very far away, I'd like to adopt a child. I don't know where from, but I've wanted to adopt for a long time.

That right there, that's my little dream. I don't need the American Dream. I don't need to be a millionaire. It's not about the quantity, it's about the quality.

Now I've just got to find my way there.
I think I needed this moment of Hope, all I have to do is hold on to it and see where it goes.

Promises.

Yes I feel very guilty for neglecting my "real life" blog.

Here's what happened- real life.

Bristol ended, and school started. Along with school, I am working part time as a barista and earning more in one week than I earned in two weeks at my old job. Part of that is they pay me a little bit better, and I also have a minimum of 12 hours a week because it's a union job. Along with schooling and my job, I teach dance on Thursday nights and take dance on Monday and Thursday.

Oh, and I went to one audition on Saturday, and am planning on going to another a week from tomorrow. I didn't do my best at the audition on Saturday, but you win some and you lose some right? I'm actually okay considering that I think I won't make the show. I have only been cut from something once, and to be honest, I'm looking forward to getting some rejections.

Along with dealing with the lovely stress of auditions, I have the lovely stress of having a teacher in my Western Civilization class who likes to stress me out. That is all I will say on this topic because I do not want this blog to turn into a ranting spot.

Add on top of that, trying to maintain the friendships I started this summer at Bristol. It's tough. I miss people. I miss a LOT of people.
I remember one of my friends from Bristol promising me that they'd have a movie night and have me come and visit. Now, with some "theater type people" saying that "we should have a movie night" is like when you meet an old acquaintance and promise to have coffee without really ever meaning what you say. I've learned to take promises of future events with a grain of salt and try not to hope too hard. I also try to follow through on my promises of this type of nature, or at least acknowledge that these speculative ideas are simply ideas.
However, I had a good amount of faith in this person and they made good on their promise. So yesterday I hoped onto a train and got myself to the city for a Pirate Movie Night. I think I was almost looking forward to this too much.
To put things briefly- this week has stressed me out more than most weeks. On top of social complications, work, school, auditions, and a queasy stomach, I've had to make some hard choices about how much my faith comes into my life. This does not make for a very sane me.

Last year I relied on coffee as my pacifier, this year it is Chai Tea.

It's amazing how seeing just a few dear friends can make a difference. I was actually able to eat a decent sized meal for the first time in about five days. I found myself able to relax without having to remind myself to release the tension in my shoulders. I was up until about 2 AM playing a board game that still doesn't make any sense, but it was fun and I was with people I've been missing for weeks. This was a promise fulfilled.

As I was thinking about this today, I've been wondering about what has God promised me? I can't say I like all of the challenges put in front of me recently. Some of them have been downright painful and I want to know why. Have you ever felt like just asking God, WHY?
A few weeks ago I made a commitment to go further in my faith and welcome the challenges that would be brought to me. This week's challenges made me remember exactly how miserable I felt last year, because that's how I felt for a few days this week. There was lots of Chai Tea and teddy-bear hugging. Now we're back to just the Chai Tea stage.
I remember hearing the small voice that said "I can't wait to show you the plans I have for you." and I knew it was God talking to me. That was only two weeks ago. My life has certainly become topsy truvy in the last 14 days.
If last year was about learning to trust God no matter what. I think this year I'm hearing the word "Obey" and "Surrender." Not easy concepts for me to grasp. However, I want to see what promises and plans God has for me this year. 

Now I've got to get back to more of that stressful history homework for that "wonderful" professor who is currently driving me up a wall.

Halfway Through Summer

It's been an eventful time of late...

Ren Faire is most amazing place in the world. Now onto the rest of my life.

I changed jobs. I'm not working in a shop anymore. I'm a barista now at Vero and just had my first day of practical training. I worked a lot on the register and made a lot of mistakes but my coworkers said that I was doing really well for my first day. We serve other things besides just coffee, so I'm learning how to serve gelato and make fried dough puffs. It was a slightly difficult first day and I felt like I failed a lot, but as someone (or many people) have said to me, "If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough." I guess I'm trying really hard because that register hates me. I shall not let it conquer me! I shall prevail and win it's affection!

I'm still making a lot of reconsiderations about which direction to go in. Right now I'm still dancing, but I want to explore my writing, my passion for history, and my passion for general performance. I'll probably take a history and a creative writing class this fall as part of my college studies. Being in Ren Faire has made me take a step back and really look at the realistic aspect of some of my career ideas.

There's been a recent learning curve on "How do I react to certain things?" I recently found out that if I'm boxed in and "attacked" without a determinable exit- I'll turn into River Tam and possibly hurt somebody. That was a scary thing to realize. I think I scared myself more than anything. Now I get to learn how to deal with that and make sure that I take care of myself and the people around me so that I don't have another River Tam "Miranda" moment.  Oh well, we live, we learn, we grow, and we work through things.

God is challenging me on a lot of things. My health hasn't been the greatest. I've gotten a lot of fatigue and I'm going to be getting a general physical on Thursday to make sure that there isn't anything wrong. Hopefully it will just be an imbalance on my vitamins and I'll take some supplements and be A-ok. It's hard to be not at my best and I just have to trust that this is only a season. Change will come, hopefully for the better. Slowly I'm turning more and more over to Him and He's brought some great things into my life. I've also had a lot of mini-lessons that haven't been too fun, but God is going to carry me through it.

Family History

I always knew that my Great-Grandparents (parents of my grandmother) both came from Germany, met in America, got married, and then went back to Germany. There they saw what Hitler was doing and figured out he was bad new, they got on one of the last boats back to America before the ports were closed.
What I didn't know was that while they were back in Germany, my Great-Gandfather voiced his opinion about how he didn't like what Hitler was doing. A Hitler-Youth group decided to go beat up my great-grandparents, but fortunately they got wind of the plan and hid in a nearby forest. They decided that they couldn't stay, and got on one of the last boats out of the country.

I found this out today when my Nana took me out to Breakfast. I learned things about her that I never knew before. I know she was born in 1935, the middle of the Great Depression. After she graduated college, she went on a tour of Europe (10 countries!!!!) and visited with family in Germany. Her father had died only a couple weeks before she graduated, but her mother urged her to go on the tour and have fun. My Nana also went with my Aunt to New Zealand!
Needless to say- I learned a lot more about my Nana that I didn't know before. I love talking to her about what her life is like. I'm going to have to talk to her more often.