It's not where I am, it's where I'm going.

To be honest, I'm frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated with my circumstances. I'm frustrated by people who normally don't tick me off.

I am listless, lazy, unproductive, impulsive, and probably a few other choice words that aren't usually in my arsenal of "describe yourself" answers.

Usually I answer those words, "describe yourself," with words like the following: Productive. Responsible. Fairly Organized. Motivated. Healthy. Inquisitive.

Those words up there ^......not me right now.

I've been getting several wake up calls to this, and I've actually seen this process happening over a long period of time. It started a little while back in the most recent school semester. I would have trouble working on assignments until it was two days before they were due. Or the night before. More often than not I forgot to write a journal entry for a class.
I mean, I still pulled As in all my classes, but that didn't really feel good. I felt like I had coasted through the semester.

The same with dance classes. I had to miss a LOT of classes due to school (when I was being responsible about my assignments). Then there have been some weird schedules at work, so dance took a back seat because I need to earn cash. Ergo, I'm out of shape and not happy about it. However, I'm having trouble finding motivation to work out at home.

At work, for the most part, I'm okay. I'm a little weary but I'm okay, I guess. I've made my peace with staying at my job through the summer instead of trying to find something different that will work with my family's vacation and Ren Faire. It's paying off and I'm getting good hours. So long as I keep putting my paychecks in the bank I should see some profit and a money cushion for the fall and college. I'll need to work out a plan for how to (not) spend my money, but that will be a budgeting lesson that I need to learn anyway. Still there are many days were I resign myself to getting into the car and driving to work.

Most of this stems from the fact that I'm stressed. Or at least, I'm going to say that it is. I'm worried. I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for college. I'm worried about a few of my friends. I'm worried about the stupid tick bite that I got up at Faire this past weekend. I'm worried about how I'm not getting any scholarships. I'm worried about how I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm worried about how I'm always craving really really sugary salty bad for you foods.

And this stress is really affecting me. I can't think straight without starting to get on myself about how I have 10 billion things to get done. Instead of doing things, because I'm tired, I take naps and watch Hulu. Not anymore. I'm starting to change things.

Daily Bible Study (which, ironically, seems to be the only thing I manage to be halfway consistent on even in my non motivated state). No more junky food. I've got to exercise once every day at the least. I have to spend an hour on scholarships every day. I want to read/write everyday, even if it's the newspaper I'm reading or only one sentence that I'm writing. I will continue to focus on kindness at work. I will get everything in order so help me or else I'm going to turn into someone that I don't like. I'm trying really hard to be someone that I do like. Liking yourself is sort of important, or it should be.

So what have I found since I've been trying to turn myself around? Well, I've been swimming. That's helped. In the few days that I've cut out fried crap I have felt (and looked) much better. I will continue to be a klutz and injure myself constantly, but the bruises fade. I will grumble about scholarships but get them done.

I've learned that I have to be an optimist or else things get ugly. I don't like asking why things are the way they are, or looking back and seeing what I could have done differently. It gets annoying. Most of the time I try to muddle through as best I can.

One really positive thing is that I am back at Faire. I've been hanging out with people I love and admire and have been getting to know a lot more people this year. I like getting to know different people in the different casts. I like getting to know the newbies. I like being able to help get the site ready for when the gates open. I like being outside for 48 hours straight. Even though it's pretty taxing physically and I come home exhausted, it's restful for me. It feels like home to me.

What I've enjoyed the most is getting to know people. That's really what's been the best part of this summer so far is just being in touch with people and talking to people face to face. I've already had some fun with people who I didn't really know before. I'm hoping that it will continue. If my experiences at Faire so far are an indication of how the rest of my summer will be in general, then things are going to be okay.

Plus, right now, it's not really about where I am. It's about where I am going.

Looking to the Horizon

Today my brain feels like it will explode. Just one of those days where it is one thing after another, never ending.

So what did I do? I took a walk. That was probably the best thing I could have done today. Simple physical exertion. No ipods, cell phone turned on silent, a bottle of water to keep me hydrated. It was more than just "nice." It was needed.

Things are (in general) looking up. I've managed to navigate some stressful situations that I'm not necessarily through, but God is keeping me going. He's always there for me. I'm forever grateful for that. I know there is a plan He's laid out for me. He's shown up in amazing ways of late.

For instance....
I've been accepted into my dream school, Roosevelt University, into the Chicago College of the Performing Arts for a Musical Theater (Dance Emphasis) major. I've toured the campus, and it's so beautiful. It feels right to be in the city. I know that it's where I want to go. I want to go so badly. In my opinion, it's a bit of a miracle that I even made it into the program.

Now I'm praying and looking for a way to finance my education. All I can say about Roosevelt is that it's $$$. I'll have to take out loans, do work study, save all that I can from my part time job paycheck, and apply for a million scholarships.

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not afraid that I won't find the money to fill the gap between me and school. I will be heartbroken. I don't say or use that word lightly.

I know that if God wants me at Roosevelt, my family and I will find the money. He will provide for me wherever I need to go. He's already provided for so much in this journey. I've been well cared for and am learning to give over control. It's not easy. I have to constantly give up control of something that I have very little control over. It's simply my way to want to try and control things, especially when I want something so much.
 Still, I have faith that the money will be there. I will do my part in applying for scholarships and finding ways of saving what I can. Just one year at a time. That's all my family is focusing on right now, because we don't know if I am able to go to school this year, if I'll be able to go next year. It's a sobering thought. It adds a lot of stress to all of us. I don't like the idea of being in debt for 10-15 years after school. I'm crazy because I'm going into a field that simply doesn't pay. Why? Because performing is like breathing to me.
I'll find some way. The biggest hurdle yet was putting down the deposit and saying that I'm going to do my best to go to Roosevelt this fall.

"Live like no one else so you can live like no one else." Right, Dave Ramsey?

I hope that this is just the sun coming up and not the sun setting for me. I have my plan B, going back to Harper and finishing an associates in either Arts or History and then going from there. I've just got to trust God that He's going to come through. Because it's His will over mine. I've learned that in extraordinary ways this year. I've just got to keep learning this lesson. I'm not perfect and it's a process.

Now back to the crazy land of papers and scholarships and community college assignments.

On My Own, but not quite anymore.

Second time I've used a song title as a post title...might need to nip that in the bud soon. But for now we shall carry on!
Ready to hear a not-so-secret secret? You sure? All right, well, I'll tell you.

I house sat for a month in February!
Seriously, that's the secret. I actually didn't advertise this particular experience for several reasons.

1) It was safer to not advertise that I was a young woman living by myself in a friend's house for a month.
2) It was kind of nice to have a place where I could just hide away and I wanted to see if I could live on my own without making a big fuss about the whole thing.
3) I did not plan on having any parties or mass amounts of friends over. Actually, BestieBomba came over twice, and some friends picked me up for a handful of events, but other than that no one came over.
4) I just didn't want a bunch of people asking about how I was doing.

At first I was a little bit concerned about how I was going to do being away from my family and not sleeping at home for a whole month. I knew I'd be fine taking care of the cute little dog I was taking care of (he was a small little white sweetheart).
It did take me a few days to figure out a few things, like the dog would let me sleep more than 4 hours if I gave him the blue blanket. That was marvelous to get more than 4 hours of sleep after a week.

The thing was, as the month went on. I found myself adjusting to being by myself very well. I mean, it's not like I was actually living on my own. I didn't have to pay bills at all, I bought my own food but that was about it for the expenses I had to take care of. I missed my folks, but at the same time, I think I've proved to myself that I've reached a point where I could actually live on my own if I had the means or need.
Sometimes the house did feel a little bit large for just me. A few times I did get a bit lonely, but I had friends that I could call or chat online with that made things a lot easier. Plus, I had Parade rehearsals, work, school, and not one but TWO college auditions that I went on during my time at the house.
I did go home to visit from time to time, and my puppy was adamant about sniffing me and snuffling in protest that I was around another dog so much. He also gave me the dreaded puppy eyes every time I left to go back to the other dog.

Needless to say, my puppy has been very happy to have me home. 

So overall, what did I learn about myself and how did I grow in a month? Well, let's go over a short list.

1) I can live on my own and I feel okay about moving into a dorm for college (two TOTALLY different things linked by the idea of living outside of my house).
2) My introverted self likes having a space to myself (but I knew that ((mostly)) already).
3) I dyed my hair all by myself! Usually I have my mom help because she's really good at the whole "home dye" process, but I proved to myself that I can dye my hair and not make a huge mess out of everything.
4) I can cook! I can't really bake that well (yet) so I decided that I would try cooking, and I'm actually a decent cook, thank goodness.
5) After auditioning for Bristol, no audition has come to even been half as scary. Even auditioning for Roosevelt wasn't half as scary. :-P
6) When I had more room to put my stuff, I was a much better housekeeper. I also do not need as much stuff as I have and am working on downsizing my possessions to the things that really matter to me (like books, never giving up my library).
7) I grew a lot in my spiritual life. I can't really put it any more simply or elaborate any more (because even a step of growth in spiritual life could take a book to explain).
8) Made new friends, and grew in my current friendships.
9) Missed a lot of people a lot. I am really looking forward to the coming Bristol season and seeing everyone SOONER THAN JUNE...Now that Parade is over and I am not house sitting any more I'm going to try and remedy some of that problem of not seeing people in general.

That month was like a whole season in my life. That nine item list doesn't cover half of the stuff that I figured out for myself or just grew into over a month. I am very grateful that I was able to have that experience of living on my own (tehee, Les Mis!). I think that it was during the time I was house sitting that I have somewhat owned up to the fact that I am a young woman, not a girl anymore. I'm still less than 6 months into being twenty and I often play younger characters, but by living on my own I've noticed the differences in my character and how I handle things. Even last year I wouldn't have been able to say that I am a young woman. Yeah, I am still *little* compared to a lot of my friends. I'm not going to negate that fact. I'm also not saying that I've got everything figured out and I'm going to be totally prepared for when I actually live on my own, because I know that would not be true. Last month was simply a time where I was able to prove to myself that I can do that one day and I will be fine.

So now, I'm back on my blog (sorry about the hiatus for anyone who really cares, it was needed). I'm thinking about what I want to do next for some of my posts and I'm sure there shall be another post soon about any changes or expansions for what I write about.

~Astonishing

There's Been A Change In Me

Dramatic- yesh. Fitting, very much so.

Let's take a look back, shall we?

Since it’s been about a year since I started blogging, I took a few minutes to look over the past year and what I wrote. That’s really painful as a writer to look back over a semi-personal public journal that I made to record the basic facts of what was going on in my life. I glossed over a lot during my posts. As I reread them I remember things that I didn’t even talk about because of my “publishing ethics” and rule of “Don’t post anything that could come to back to bite you.”

Those first few months that I started blogging were miserable. Dealing with changing relationships, starting college, and my first job seemed to be all that I posted about (except that relationship thing, I tried to avoid talking about things that involved people I was growing distant from). I think I was a little repetitive. I’m hoping to change that in this next year.

I’ve changed so much since last fall.

I was at a Christmas party a few weeks ago and the way I described this new school year was that “Life is still hard, but I’m better equipped than I was last year.”

Last year I did not have the vast network of friends to hold me up. I had a handful of astonishing friends, who love me dearly, and they held me up. They got me through many a though day and let me be mopey and dramatic and work through my struggles without telling me to “man up” unless I was being unreasonable.

So to Shelby, Teegan, Kady, Colin, Mom, Dad, and anyone else who held me up during last fall (and through last year), thank you. Yes I am breaking a rule and using real names. You deserve to be known.

Then came the most frightening and amazing thing that pulled me out of myself and dropped me back here, more myself than I ever thought possible.

That was Bristol.

There is no way to thank all of you who took me in and befriended me this summer. Anyone who gave me any word of encouragement or smile or hug, you all changed me. You let me be myself and, honestly, forced me to be myself. I simply could not be false or hold back around you all.

The encouragement and support I’ve found from my Bristol Family has helped me to go out and pursue the things I love, and to admit that I love them without fear of judgment or rejection. Or, even if I am rejected, I know that I have a support group who believes in me.

I couldn’t have admitted these goals at the beginning of summer. Or even at the middle of summer. Now I am going to open up a few very close to my heart goals that I want to accomplish.

1)                   I want to go back to my youth theatre group, where I felt so much pressure and became insecure in my own talents, and teach children in a pressure free environment where they will not be judged or typed.

As a side note- I learned many character-building things from this theater group and made many friends there. I had some of the best and worst times of my tween/teen years. There were a lot of negative things that I came away from this group with. I had insecurities and a lot of self-doubt as to whether or not I could follow my dreams. I want to make sure that in my teaching I am not creating the same type of environment. I want to teach improvisation without any pressure to be funny. I want to teach dance where the shy child can shine. Most of all I want to take the negative things and turn them into something positive.

2)                   I’ve wanted to play Queen Elizabeth I since I was little. I think it’s about time for me to start making that a reality. Starting this year I’m going to be doing more research and figuring out how and where I can play a young Elizabeth. It will be a start.

3)                   I want to value others and be a good example. Not in the “I’m a goody two shoes” kind of way, because I’m going to make mistakes and break the rules some days. I just want to learn from my mistakes and come out on top. I’ve been inspired and mentored by so many astonishing people over this past year. I want to be that to someone.

All of this I want to accomplish along with going to school (and hopefully transferring to another school by fall 2013), being apart of a musical, working, taking dance classes, writing, and any other social life that manages to fit in somewhere.

Looking over this last year. God has taken care of me in ways I could never have imagined. I've been stretched and molded and tested in my faith and principles. I'm still standing by what I fundamentally believe to be true.  God is still good, and He's blessed me and given me the strength to make it through some rough times that are by no means over. I'm just learning to thank Him for the small good things (and the large ones, though they are more rare) that make life sweet.

Thank you all for a roller coaster of a year. 2012 I bid you Adieu. 2013, I can’t wait to see what you have in store.

A Haunting We Will Go!

In which I tell the story of my first Haunted House.

I thought I was going to go to Fear City a couple weeks ago, but it didn't quite work out. Life can kind of smack you in the face, you know? Anyways, I got an invite from a Bristol Friend by the name of Elizabeth to go on Monday night and I wasn't about to let this second opportunity pass me by.

Well the first thing that made me at home about this place were the Tardis blue port-a-privies. It was cold out and, man, was I glad I made sure to make that little trip at home.
Now, being a theatre person, I walk into the lobby and start going nuts over how cool the atmosphere is. Very nicely done. I even liked the promos about the zombies and the walk around characters' make up was SO COOL!!! Unfortunately, none of them would break character and tell me what brand of stuff they use...or fortunately because their job is to creep people out before they even get into the Haunted House!

The first haunted house (of the zombie variety) was cool. I think I jumped only a handful of times and honestly thought that it was super creative. I don't think anything genuinely scared me. I mean, there was this zombie pimp guy that was kind of nasty, but he also reminded me of the MC from Carabet, so it was funny too. I really liked the neon circus part, and the maze, and the white strobe light room, and the "dementor." I think the dementor (whatever that was) was the only thing that genuinely gave me even a hint of the willies.

I'm trying not to give too much away of what was in the houses because why spoil it for someone else?

The second haunted house had much more potential for a scare factor in my opinion. Unfortunately, since I knew a decent amount of people in the house, I was too busy playing "spot the rennies" and shouting out people's names when I saw them (or thought I saw them) to actually get scared. Plus, the second house was a bit more "spectacular" so I was appreciating all of the creativity and use of strobe and black lighting. I wish I could have gotten a better look at some of the rooms, but because of the strobe effects it was a little difficult.

To be honest, the things that scare me aren't zombies or black lit ghosts and people following me. I mean, it was a lot of fun to try and figure out if there was going to be someone around the next corner, but after that first thrill I simply saw straight through to the person screaming/growling/staring at me.

What scares me more are the people in this world. Somehow, a zombie with a plastic machete isn't nearly as terrifying as waking up not knowing if today will be your last day. Someone following you in a haunted house isn't as scary as someone you think might be following you while you're walking home in the dark. Wandering through a maze without any idea of direction isn't worse than wandering through life thinking that you're going somewhere, only to have your plans come crashing around you.
Haunted houses are a joke compared to life. Maybe that's why we love them, because they make us think that life isn't the scariest thing out there. I'm not calling the Haunted House I went to a "joke." Let me make it clear that I loved the Haunted House and thought it was awesome! I'd totally go again next year!

Now for a conscience check-
Tuesday I did something I'm not proud of. I didn't sleep at all Monday night (and it wasn't due to the fact that I had been to a haunted house) and I skipped my second class of the day to go home and sleep because I just couldn't deal with the world. I wanted everything to just stop. I had the worst sense that the world was spinning around me and there was nothing I could do. All that on a normal day would be difficult. On a day without any sleep the previous night? I caved and skipped Western Civilization.
Did I need that sleep? Yes, I really did. I felt 80% better and was in a much better state of mind.

I also had trouble sleeping on Wednesday night, so I'm wondering if there is something at school that is really stressing me out. Thursday was actually an ok day, my writing class was fantastic, I met with an adviser and got my classes for next semester picked out (such a load off my mind!), and my history teacher wasn't as immature as usual except for one or two brief moments (as opposed to a full half hour-45 minutes of class). 


Let's hope this pattern continues for a few more days.

My little dream

Time to think positive thoughts, at least for today.

While my future is something that is currently overwhelming me, it is a sea of possibilities. I'm starting to formulate tentative plans for next semester that involve a lot of Arts training and not much else (well, maybe an Algebra clep test, but let's not talk about that scary thing).

I scheduled a visit to a college that a dance teacher of mine (look back at my posts about dancing with Melinda) told me to apply for. I was accepted last year, but put the school on the shelf.
Technically it doesn't have the exact program I'm looking for, which would a Theatre degree with a concentration in Dance, so I could minor in History. I want to talk to the admissions board there about how we could work that out. I see many possibilities, one of them being that it doesn't work out. That would be okay though, because I want to go to the college that God leads me to.

For those of you who say to major in History and minor in Dance....well...I've thought about that. I don't like the idea. Yes, I know it's more "practical" but seriously, since when are most college students actually getting jobs in their degree field right now? Unless that changes dramatically in the next few years I think I'm better off going for what I love and training in performance.

I've never been one to dream about the big house on the hill with the four cars and lots of cash in the bank. I don't need designer clothing. I love thrifting. I like Aldi's, except for their produce section which makes me cringe. Bargains are awesome, but I also know that sometimes you need to shell out the cash for a quality item.

I'd be happy in an apartment in Chicago. I'd be fine with having a roommate or two to split rent. One day I'd like to be sharing that space with a husband, but that will all come in good time. I'd be happy with a cat, or two, or three. I hear they're pretty addicting. I'd be happy without a car, or a nice used car. My family has only bought one brand new car (to my knowledge). Our "newest" car is a used car. It runs perfectly fine!
Of course, I don't think I could give up my obsession for books. However, I don't think that's too much of a problem other than finding shelf space.
I'd be happy working for a Museum, Performing, Writing my stories (maybe getting paid for them), and having a group of friends who are as intellectual (and more so, because that would stretch my mind) as I am. 
One day, very far away, I'd like to adopt a child. I don't know where from, but I've wanted to adopt for a long time.

That right there, that's my little dream. I don't need the American Dream. I don't need to be a millionaire. It's not about the quantity, it's about the quality.

Now I've just got to find my way there.
I think I needed this moment of Hope, all I have to do is hold on to it and see where it goes.

Promises.

Yes I feel very guilty for neglecting my "real life" blog.

Here's what happened- real life.

Bristol ended, and school started. Along with school, I am working part time as a barista and earning more in one week than I earned in two weeks at my old job. Part of that is they pay me a little bit better, and I also have a minimum of 12 hours a week because it's a union job. Along with schooling and my job, I teach dance on Thursday nights and take dance on Monday and Thursday.

Oh, and I went to one audition on Saturday, and am planning on going to another a week from tomorrow. I didn't do my best at the audition on Saturday, but you win some and you lose some right? I'm actually okay considering that I think I won't make the show. I have only been cut from something once, and to be honest, I'm looking forward to getting some rejections.

Along with dealing with the lovely stress of auditions, I have the lovely stress of having a teacher in my Western Civilization class who likes to stress me out. That is all I will say on this topic because I do not want this blog to turn into a ranting spot.

Add on top of that, trying to maintain the friendships I started this summer at Bristol. It's tough. I miss people. I miss a LOT of people.
I remember one of my friends from Bristol promising me that they'd have a movie night and have me come and visit. Now, with some "theater type people" saying that "we should have a movie night" is like when you meet an old acquaintance and promise to have coffee without really ever meaning what you say. I've learned to take promises of future events with a grain of salt and try not to hope too hard. I also try to follow through on my promises of this type of nature, or at least acknowledge that these speculative ideas are simply ideas.
However, I had a good amount of faith in this person and they made good on their promise. So yesterday I hoped onto a train and got myself to the city for a Pirate Movie Night. I think I was almost looking forward to this too much.
To put things briefly- this week has stressed me out more than most weeks. On top of social complications, work, school, auditions, and a queasy stomach, I've had to make some hard choices about how much my faith comes into my life. This does not make for a very sane me.

Last year I relied on coffee as my pacifier, this year it is Chai Tea.

It's amazing how seeing just a few dear friends can make a difference. I was actually able to eat a decent sized meal for the first time in about five days. I found myself able to relax without having to remind myself to release the tension in my shoulders. I was up until about 2 AM playing a board game that still doesn't make any sense, but it was fun and I was with people I've been missing for weeks. This was a promise fulfilled.

As I was thinking about this today, I've been wondering about what has God promised me? I can't say I like all of the challenges put in front of me recently. Some of them have been downright painful and I want to know why. Have you ever felt like just asking God, WHY?
A few weeks ago I made a commitment to go further in my faith and welcome the challenges that would be brought to me. This week's challenges made me remember exactly how miserable I felt last year, because that's how I felt for a few days this week. There was lots of Chai Tea and teddy-bear hugging. Now we're back to just the Chai Tea stage.
I remember hearing the small voice that said "I can't wait to show you the plans I have for you." and I knew it was God talking to me. That was only two weeks ago. My life has certainly become topsy truvy in the last 14 days.
If last year was about learning to trust God no matter what. I think this year I'm hearing the word "Obey" and "Surrender." Not easy concepts for me to grasp. However, I want to see what promises and plans God has for me this year. 

Now I've got to get back to more of that stressful history homework for that "wonderful" professor who is currently driving me up a wall.

Challenges

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30

This summer my faith has been challenged in ways I didn't think it would be. No one has outright challenged me as to why I believe what I believe, but questions have been coming up in my head every now and then and I actually have to think about "Why wouldn't I go along with that?" or "Is this what I really believe?"


Unfortunately, some of these things I don't know the answers too. I just don't know what I think about some maters when it comes to the world around me. I don't think this is a bad thing either. I like things that make me think and grow and form my own opinion.
Something that I want to strive for is basing my opinions and beliefs on what I have discovered and researched and come to believe, rather than just relying on what I've been taught all my life.

Let me clarify that I am NOT saying that what I've been taught is wrong. A lot of what I've been taught growing up I believe to be right, but I've come to that decision based on researching the answers for myself and "double checking." What can I say, I like to learn and research. I want to know the reasoning behind why I believe what I believe.

"So be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16


Since I am firm in a few things about my faith, I know I cannot bend the few principles I am firm on. If I bend them, what is holding me up? What standards can I have if I don't uphold the few things I am certain of now?
Sometimes it's really hard and I don't want to say "no." I've had to say no and pull back a couple times. More than a few times I've thought about bending. You can only bend so far until you break.

One thing I do know, is that I am firm in the essentials of my faith. I believe that Christianity is about love. Ultimately that's what my faith is all about. I am a failing human loved by a perfect God who I love as my Abba-Father. I will make mistakes and screw up (a lot) and He will still love me and forgive me.

I am really nervous about posting this. I've never posted anything so blatant about my faith before. 


If anything, this summer has taught me that I will be okay in the world and still maintain my faith. I might be going through an upward climb, but it's going to be okay. The first week of college was much easier than last year, and I already know I'm going to grow in many ways.
Last year was trusting that God would get me through each day. Now I've been able to get through that hard year and I know I will be provided for. This year is going to be new challenges and I'm looking forward to finding out what my Abba-Father and I will be working on this year. 

Hopefully I will be posting again soon on my Astonishing blog. I know I've been really heavy on the Anne blog this summer, but that blog has been there to chronicle my summer at Faire, and for the most part that's what I've been doing other than working (new job as Barista).
We have one weekend left for the Faire and I hope that if you haven't gone yet that you will come this weekend! It would mean a lot to me. I love the people that I am working with and they are the kindest most genuine people on earth. Look on my Anne blog for the last few posts I will be writing, including what will happen with my Anne blog once Faire is over, which I still need to think through.

Thank you for letting me be vulnerable through my writing, even if I'm hiding behind the mask of the internet.

Halfway Through Summer

It's been an eventful time of late...

Ren Faire is most amazing place in the world. Now onto the rest of my life.

I changed jobs. I'm not working in a shop anymore. I'm a barista now at Vero and just had my first day of practical training. I worked a lot on the register and made a lot of mistakes but my coworkers said that I was doing really well for my first day. We serve other things besides just coffee, so I'm learning how to serve gelato and make fried dough puffs. It was a slightly difficult first day and I felt like I failed a lot, but as someone (or many people) have said to me, "If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough." I guess I'm trying really hard because that register hates me. I shall not let it conquer me! I shall prevail and win it's affection!

I'm still making a lot of reconsiderations about which direction to go in. Right now I'm still dancing, but I want to explore my writing, my passion for history, and my passion for general performance. I'll probably take a history and a creative writing class this fall as part of my college studies. Being in Ren Faire has made me take a step back and really look at the realistic aspect of some of my career ideas.

There's been a recent learning curve on "How do I react to certain things?" I recently found out that if I'm boxed in and "attacked" without a determinable exit- I'll turn into River Tam and possibly hurt somebody. That was a scary thing to realize. I think I scared myself more than anything. Now I get to learn how to deal with that and make sure that I take care of myself and the people around me so that I don't have another River Tam "Miranda" moment.  Oh well, we live, we learn, we grow, and we work through things.

God is challenging me on a lot of things. My health hasn't been the greatest. I've gotten a lot of fatigue and I'm going to be getting a general physical on Thursday to make sure that there isn't anything wrong. Hopefully it will just be an imbalance on my vitamins and I'll take some supplements and be A-ok. It's hard to be not at my best and I just have to trust that this is only a season. Change will come, hopefully for the better. Slowly I'm turning more and more over to Him and He's brought some great things into my life. I've also had a lot of mini-lessons that haven't been too fun, but God is going to carry me through it.

Sweatshirts, Summer, and Square Knots

Summer is almost here!!!

One more final (ASL- Tomorrow night) and I will have completed my first year of college!   HUZZAH!

I'm not too worried about my final. I almost have my summary of The Sound of Music memorized, and then I just need to go over the Culture and Grammar sections on Blackboard, that wonderfully confusing tool that colleges love to use.

Looking back on when I started my first semester at College, I wasn't sure how it would go. I wasn't sure about anything at that point. This school year put me at a totally "clean slate" time and it was both thrilling and terrifying. God has totally gotten me through this first year and I know He's got a lot in store for me in the upcoming months and next year.
I've proved to myself (homeschooler that I was)  that I can study in a classroom setting and pull good grades, so far I haven't gotten a C grade in a class, so I'm happy. I aim for As in everything, but I've still got a few things about college and studying that I probably need to learn to make the straight A thing happen (and find all of the math and science classes for people who are not very adept at those subjects).

So what did I learn from my various classes?

English 101- 101 classes have a lot of slackers and half your class won't show up or even care half of much as you about the assignments. Especially English 101. You are at college for yourself.
ASL 101- All the crazy people take ASL, you make friends and almost all of the people who take ASL are prepared to study and take the class seriously, unlike other "foreign" languages.
Psych 101- There are no rules, recipes, or formulas when you deal with human beings. Also- we have no idea what we're doing when we diagnose mental disorders. This was possibly the most scary part of my Psych class.
English 102- If you get a good teacher who knows what he/she (in my case, she) is talking about, you will learn a lot, especially if you do things HER WAY. Also, respect the teacher and show her you care about the class, it's not kissing up, it's called being responsible about the money your parents are paying to give you a higher (and very expensive) education. Also- get the teacher with the wickedly sarcastic and slightly dry sense of humor, you will love this semester and be able to ignore the people in your  class who are wasting their parents money by not doing their work and are sassing the teacher.
ASL 102- Is a lot like ASL 101, except that we can now speak in "complete sentences" and carry on simple conversations in Deaf Culture.
Pilates- IS THE BEST! 
Yoga- Is is a lot harder than I thought, but even though it wasn't my favorite I still learned some stuff that I can use. I did get a lot stronger this semester and I think part of it was the exercises I did in yoga. It still isn't my favorite thing though (see Pilates).

Something about my college- it's freaking cold in that palace ALL YEAR LONG. Hence, the sweatshirts. Plus, I got a hand-me-over sweatshirt from The Doctor (my 哥哥 (ge ge)). Plus he introduced me to FIREFLY and I'm now learning a small amount of incorrectly pronounced Chinese. I'm very happy.

Plus, The Doctor helped me learn several knots after yesterday's Square Dance. I love Square/Line dancing so that was tons of fun! But maybe better was my face while trying to figure out a Monkey's Paw Knot. I'm getting better at it already! However, you should head over to my Anne-Drew blog to read about that (the post should be up later tonight).

Just a quick update- look for my Jim Henson post on Wednesday!

PBA part 2- long overdue

THANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGODTHANKYOUGOD!!!!!!
I GOT INTO PBA FOR DANCE!!!! *Cue insane happy dancing*

Out of about 30 girls and 10 spots- I GOT IN!!!

Now we just need to see how the money pans out, and if I get accepted into the school itself. However, I'm slightly less nervous about that.

Now I just need to visit Hope College and get accepted into the schools themselves, then we'll see how the scholarships go and hopefully I'll be headed off somewhere in January of 2013!

Now i have to go make dinner before dance class-
TTFN!

Palm Beach day 1- Posh?

Oh yes, it's very posh. Like mansions and espadrilles and ocean views posh.

Writing to you live from my hotel room in sunny (now starry) Florida! Beautiful weather.
Flight was good, a wee bit bumpy- but hey, I enjoyed the miniature roller coaster. I also caught a few zzzs so I was refreshed and ready to explore once I got off the plane!

The first adventure was to Target to get the things I couldn't bring on the plane with me, like shampoo. Then my dad and I went to see the Atlantic ocean and walked along the shore and picked up a few sea shells. 
Did I happen to mention how GORGEOUS this place is? It's absolutely stunning and clean and pretty and I'm a little scared to touch anything. I feel a bit like a sparrow among swans. Oh well, this place is supposed to get plenty of tourists, they'll just have to deal with me!
Honestly, the trick is to hold up your head and act like you belong. Treat everyone with respect and kindness and don't look like a deer in headlights.
So far I've felt very safe here and that's a majorly good thing. I've seen the exterior of the college campus that I'm visiting and it looks very nice and crammed and lovely. I can't wait to see it tomorrow. Other than my very middle class overwhelmedness at how expensive this area seems (think of Chicago's North Shore neighborhoods and add the ATLANTIC OCEAN with Spanish architecture), I think it's quite lovely. We'll see what I think after the midday heat of tomorrow.

Still very nervous about my audition for the college dance program on Saturday. Praying that things go well and I come away with a strong sense of whether or not I should be here.

Tootles!

It's been a little while...

So even though I'm fairly good at posting on my blog, I haven't had time recently and I felt bad about that.
Hence the all important- CATCH UP POST!!!!! (Could also be read ketchup post, if you're so inclined).

So first the exciting stuff-
I GOT INTO REN FAIRE!!!! Totally got placed in the last role I expected to get, Street Cast.
Before you think this sounds like a bad thing, lemme splain.'
Street Cast members are those brave and intimidating people who walk around the faire in a character all day, in full costume, and talk to the patrons of the faire. They have an occupation and something of a "shtick" They are funny, clever, attention grabbing and I am more than slightly nervous about joining their ranks. Even more so since I have to come up with said character and shtick.
I've never felt that I'm a good person when it comes to improvisational theater. I can talk to a lot of different people, and do on a regular basis, but that's as myself. Now I get to improv all summer, each weekend for about 10 hours a day. Now, if that doesn't sound like a stretch, you're weird.
However, I am intensely looking forward to this and on top of EVERYTHING else I'm doing, I'm raiding my library for information about the Tudor era with an emphasis in Elizabethan times. Like I needed an excuse to do that.
Performers are some of the most insecure people you will meet. We tear each other down for a role, but support each other because in the end, we're all each other has to keep ourselves sane. Only another performer can understand the sense of waiting and hoping for that phone call, all the while feeling sick to your stomach that it won't come. Only we share the sense of elation when we've made people happy. In return, those people give us applause and undying admiration.

We are totally nuts.

On another nutty performance note- I'm going to FL next week to audition for the dance program at PBA. Beyond nervous, only slightly excited. Will be more excited after I get home. That feeling of not quite being ready is back, I thought I got rid of it after Bristol auditions. Well guess what?
They're baaaaack.

To touch on school- I have to write a four page psych paper, a three page English compare/contrast essay, and a proposed thesis/outline paper. Not to mention that essay I'm supposed to write for my interview at PBA. And ASL homework.
I still like my classes, and my ASL friends. I've still been curbing any temptations to curse. Once in a while I'll slip, but I'm glad I haven't possessed a sailor's mouth lately. I've been making an effort and thank God it's working.

And now for  a book that might just save my Rennie Sanity-
Easy Street by Ann-Elizabeth Shapera (Otherwise known as Jane the Phool).

This book is so entertaining and amazing, even if you aren't going to perform in any type of Street Theater, you should read it. This book is a complete guide for anyone who is going to be a street performer in a faire and I've torn through it in about two days. I'm going to go back with a pencil and mark it up until there is no space left in the margins!

 AE Shapera happens to have played Jane the Phool, Jester to the Queen, and Queen of all Jesters since 1993. I have seen her at Bristol every single summer and she is one of my favorite people there. If you like history, comedy, the english language, reading, writing, playing, play-acting. READ. THIS. BOOK. All the commentary about monkeys alone will leave you giggling. All of the tricks and tips and exercises to help you get into a character will help you if you love imagining or performing or writing.

Seriously....just read the book. Borrow mine- if you must! But I warn you that you probably will have a very hard time getting it from me. If you can get it from me. hehe.

And I will leave you with that for now!

Tip of the iceberg.

Oy vey. I need a vacation, or a personal assistant. Or maybe more sleep. Less homework? More dancing? Less inconvenient work hours? Btw- I'm working from 4-9 tonight. With one 15 minute break. Cue mental breakdown. 

To put things lightly- I'm stressed out, surviving on caffeine, herbal tea, hot coca, not getting enough restful sleep, and trying to juggle 20 things at any one given time. I'm overwhelmed. I'm trying to apply for colleges and need to send supplemental things into the two I am applying for. I'm trying to keep on top of my homework. I'm doing battle with my face on a daily basis and hate looking in the mirror. The list goes on. I can't even enjoy time that I take to be with friends because I have to do SO MUCH!  

College= lots of homework. Even though only 3 of my 5 classes actually have real home-work to do, it's plenty and I still haven't done half of my ASL homework for monday. It'll get done monday morning- per usual. 

My Psych and English papers will be started sometime tomorrow? And are due on the 16th. Now, if I was a sane college student who didn't have a job, didn't go to dance class, and didn't audition for ANYTHING- these papers would be done in two days (each). I'd pat myself on the back and turn them in early. 

ha.ha.ha. Who lives in that reality? I want to punch them. Seriously.  

Btw- this is going to be a longer post. Stop reading now if you don't have the time. 

Funny story from English 102- a guy in my english class started arguing with my professor. My professor- Ms. R-W is awesome. She's really knowledgeable in a lot of different areas and she's sarcastic and is just fantastic! So this kid starts arguing with her about how to write something (I think we were talking about summarizing). Finally she says "Tim, who do you think is smarter? You or me?" 

Tim has the lack of brain to say "Uh....Um....you? Probably?" 

@$&*%#! 

Next comment is why I love my teacher. She just gives him this look that totally says 'you're really stupid' and replies "Probably." First of all- Tim had no idea what he was arguing about. He seriously didn't know the meaning of the words he was using. Really funny for those of us listening and watching Ms. R-W. 

Also- my teacher underestimates my general knowledge base. I'm going to enjoy showing her that I probably know a little bit more than the average High School Graduate. There's a few students (actually about half the class) who didn't know what an aardvark is. My teacher didn't think I that I knew what Spiritualism is, or about Harry Houdini, or Darrow (monkey trials). Btw- these all have have to do with my research paper on Arthur Conan Doyle- the author of Sherlock Holmes. Doyle was much more like Watson. This is going to be a fun class (no sarcasm)! 

Apparently everyone thinks that they are above average. Considering half of my class (plus the fact that I knew of the rare and elusive aardvark), I think I'm at least at average. Or just very well read. 

Enough of school- onto work. 

My work has scheduled me for two weeks in advance. This means I cannot take off certain days that I was planning on asking for. I've never been scheduled for more than one week in advance at a time. This means no swing-dancing on the 11th. This means a very pissed off me. However, this also means I make a LOT of money in the next few weeks. 

However- my gratis from work is going to be amazing (I get a lot of goodies!), so I am slightly appeased. Only slightly. 

From work we go onto my personal life- This is a joke, you may laugh out loud. 

Are you done laughing? Good. 

Apart from getting talked to about being an independent human being from my dermatologist (not fun)....I know I still live at home and my parents do pay for the majority of my food, car gas, and school. However, I do manage a lot of my own life. I do not need anyone accusing my mom of hovering over me. She is not a hover-mother. 

And yes, I know my face is difficult and I'm sorry my life got busy and I forgot to take my pills. I do wash my face ever day like I'm supposed to. I am trying. Don't quote Yoda, I will punch you. 

Luckily I've found two monologues that work for my Ren Faire audition, two songs, and am working on my dance piece. Clair De Lune shall be put together as soon as possible. 

Dance is going great- as usual, ergo- nothing much to say about that this week.  

Welcome to the tip of the iceberg. 

Now that we have gone over the basics and practical side of my insane life right now. Expect a post sometime in the future about what actually going on inside my head. This has only been the external. 

 

College Application Update.

At first I was going to apply to four schools.
Anderson, Eastern University, Hope, and PBA.

Then I found out that I would have to not only be accepted into Anderson's normal college before I could audition for the dance program, I would have to be accepted into the Arts and Sciences program as well. Needless to say, Anderson was off the list. It was last on my list anyway and that little piece of news sealed the deal.
Next, I start the application process for Eastern, Hope, and PBA. Hope has a scholarship program that I would have to audition for, but I don't have to audition to be in the dance program there.
The more I fill out things for the colleges, the more I feel drawn towards Hope and PBA...with Eastern on the side. Ergo- I have decided (for now) to put Eastern on the shelf. I'm not going to rule it out, but right now I don't feel like it's the place for me to go unless I visit the other two colleges and think "No way jose!"
Then yesterday I come home from community college and my mom tells me she wants to talk to me. Turns out since I will be a transferring freshman I cannot get that scholarship to Hope. My first reaction- I want to cry. I hate this whole application process, I'm worried sick that I won't be accepted and that I'll have to  rethink all of my options.
After my brain freaks out and my hearing returns so I can listen to what my mother is telling me, I find out that by being a transfer student with transferring credits I will save more money than if I got the scholarship.
With the scholarship I'd save about $10,000 total (over the four years). With my transferring credits I'm saving about $12-13,000. Crisis averted and I'm still applying to Hope.

So now it's down to one audition and two applications to finish. Now I do not need to take a lot of time off from work to go visit colleges and I have more time to prepare my REN FAIRE AUDITION!!!!
Sort of super excited? Sort of super nervous? Sort of waiting for this for YEARS! I still need to schedule my audition...oops. Putting that on the to-do list.
And I have more time to choreograph that evil piece of music otherwise known as....Clair De Lune....it's making me loony (haha- two cups of coffee today!). Oh well, I said I would choreograph the piece and dance it for a friend's wedding, and I might as well get on it. I've got about 2 months until the wedding...but 2 months can go quite fast.

And now for the amusement and disgust of my readers (I found out that I have more than 4 readers!!! I have 5!!!), a story from English 102.
Scene: It's after class and I'm picking up my things so I can vamoose. Our teacher has assigned us to pick 3 authors as possibilities for our literary research paper, and we need to write a persuasive paper on an issue that we feel strongly about (ex. the legalization of marijuana, immigration, occupy wall street, etc). These are separate papers due at different times. The teacher has explained BOTH assignments several times during the course of the class.
As I'm getting ready to leave, a girl behind me asks "So why do we need to pick three authors for a persuasive paper?"
me: "We don't. We do a persuasive paper on an issue we feel strongly about."
girl: "Then why do we need to hand it in on tuesday?"
me: "We hand in our choice of authors on tuesday."
girl: "Then why are we picking authors if we're doing the persuasive paper on an issue?"
me: "We're picking authors for a research paper."
girl: "So we're not doing a persuasive paper?"
me: "We are doing a persuasive paper." (I'm working really hard to keep a straight face and not look at her like she's nuts) "We're also doing a research paper on an author later in the semester."
girl: "When did that happen?" (We found this out the second day of class...)
me: "The teacher talked about it in class."
girl: "Oh..."
This is where I let the friend of the girl take over and explain things. Really....it doesn't take that much to understand the assignments (our teacher emails them to us too). You're taking this class for a reason, at least pay attention long enough to figure out the assignments- correctly. My English teacher is very straightforward and good at explaining things. She explained both assignments several times.
This is also the girl who argued with my teacher about how she wasn't passing a note during class....let me roll my eyes. If you're passing a piece of paper with writing on it during class- it's a note. Even if it's a phone number or email for important reasons, it's a note. Even if it's a drawing of a cute little bunny, it's a note.

It was almost entertaining, as well as highly irritating.

Back to insanity! 3 cups of coffee today!

So I guess my winter break is this week? Seriously, haven't worked too much (compared to the insanity of Christmas), school doesn't start until next week, and dance picks up again tonight!

Ok, so I guess my "break" was last week. It's cool though, I'm actually looking forward to going back to school on the 17th. It's going to be crazy busy for me Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursdays. Actually, Monday nights-Tues-Wed-Thursdays because that's when my classes "start" during the week. Wednesdays are only because I go downtown for dance so I'm out of my house from 3-11pm. Yes I'm crazy, big whoop! What else is new?

It's been nice having a little bit of breathing space, but now I need to get cracking on college applications. I'm already re-evaluating the sense in applying to one college because:
1. It's the last one on my list that I'd want to go to.
2. I can't get many scholarships there, as far as I know.
3. I need to be fully accepted BEFORE I can audition for the dance program. This means applying and being accepted to the college, then getting accepted (after ANOTHER application) into the Arts program. Oy Vey.

I'm apply to 3 other schools too, so if this one happens to be cut out....I don't really want to go to Indiana anyway, I've never found it a very exciting place to be (no offense to people who live there). All the other school have great towns around them with a LOT of stuff to be apart of. Lots of History, Arts, Culture. Time to talk to the folks about not applying there I guess....save money on not visiting one more school.

Anyway, that's a short update on what's been going on (in other words: not much). Life's going to pick up very fast and hopefully it will give me something EXCITING to write about!

For now- I have to get ready for work and then pack a bag for dance class tonight!

Later Y'all!

Christmas Season- BUSY BUSY BUSY

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Ok, now that I've got THAT out of my system.
Goals of things to get done by the end of December-

Write College essays and gather apply to three or four colleges.
Finish Part 1 of my story and start part 2.
Pass my ASL final with flying colors. I will be most disappointed if I get a B. I haven't gotten a B except for maybe one quiz in this whole class! And before a certain person throws my own words back in my face- I will admit "a B is not a bad grade." This guitar player knows who they are, though I don't think they read my blog. I digress.

On the plus side- here is what's going to be happening during my December and this is why you may not hear from my for a while- or hear from me WAY too much!
Two Christmas Concerts
Two or three parties (probably more by the end of the month!)
Two swing dances
The possibility of ice skating (I just really want to go ice skating in December. It's on my unofficial bucket list).
I'm going to see the NUTCRACKER!!!! And not just the Nutcracker, but the Joffery Nutcracker!!!!

Let me explain: ever since I can remember, I have watched the PBS recording of the Joffery Ballet Nutcracker. I practically memorized the whole show and have wanted to see it for years. Now my dear friend UnassumingAzure and I will go attend a performance of this Christmas tradition! Words cannot express how excited I was to find tickets!!!

So anyway, right now I'm super busy/stressed/excited/etc. I'm also attempting to learn a Scottish accent?

Aye, I be an odd little lassie.

Until next posting!

Internship

So I haven't posted for a little while, or maybe it just seems like that for me.

So what have I been doing? Well, a lot of school, had a girl's weekend up in the Dells (which was totally awesome), got really dizzy yesterday so had a sick day. Tonight I had my first night as an intern for Project Dance with CYT.

It was awesome, I love the kids in Project Dance (don't get mad for me calling you all kids, I love you guys). I can't wait to see what everyone accomplishes this year! I have homework for my internship too! I'm so excited for all of this.

Yeah so being so dizzy you can't go to class is not fun. That was me yesterday. When I was walking I felt lightheaded and I felt like I was on a boat. The floor kept moving. So I slept most of the day and watched movies whenever I was actually awake.
And I discover Legend of the Seeker on Hulu. Really interesting, but I only watched one episode because after that I fell asleep again because it was the wee hours of the morning. Oops.

College right now is easy. I have a feeling my paper will be a breeze, I'm already almost done with the rough draft and it'll probably  be done by tomorrow.

So as far as a quick update goes- that's all folks! (btw- is anyone else SUPER excited for the new Muppet Movie coming out? I know I am!)