To be honest, I'm frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated with my circumstances. I'm frustrated by people who normally don't tick me off.
I am listless, lazy, unproductive, impulsive, and probably a few other choice words that aren't usually in my arsenal of "describe yourself" answers.
Usually I answer those words, "describe yourself," with words like the following: Productive. Responsible. Fairly Organized. Motivated. Healthy. Inquisitive.
Those words up there ^......not me right now.
I've been getting several wake up calls to this, and I've actually seen this process happening over a long period of time. It started a little while back in the most recent school semester. I would have trouble working on assignments until it was two days before they were due. Or the night before. More often than not I forgot to write a journal entry for a class.
I mean, I still pulled As in all my classes, but that didn't really feel good. I felt like I had coasted through the semester.
The same with dance classes. I had to miss a LOT of classes due to school (when I was being responsible about my assignments). Then there have been some weird schedules at work, so dance took a back seat because I need to earn cash. Ergo, I'm out of shape and not happy about it. However, I'm having trouble finding motivation to work out at home.
At work, for the most part, I'm okay. I'm a little weary but I'm okay, I guess. I've made my peace with staying at my job through the summer instead of trying to find something different that will work with my family's vacation and Ren Faire. It's paying off and I'm getting good hours. So long as I keep putting my paychecks in the bank I should see some profit and a money cushion for the fall and college. I'll need to work out a plan for how to (not) spend my money, but that will be a budgeting lesson that I need to learn anyway. Still there are many days were I resign myself to getting into the car and driving to work.
Most of this stems from the fact that I'm stressed. Or at least, I'm going to say that it is. I'm worried. I'm worried about how I'm going to pay for college. I'm worried about a few of my friends. I'm worried about the stupid tick bite that I got up at Faire this past weekend. I'm worried about how I'm not getting any scholarships. I'm worried about how I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm worried about how I'm always craving really really sugary salty bad for you foods.
And this stress is really affecting me. I can't think straight without starting to get on myself about how I have 10 billion things to get done. Instead of doing things, because I'm tired, I take naps and watch Hulu. Not anymore. I'm starting to change things.
Daily Bible Study (which, ironically, seems to be the only thing I manage to be halfway consistent on even in my non motivated state). No more junky food. I've got to exercise once every day at the least. I have to spend an hour on scholarships every day. I want to read/write everyday, even if it's the newspaper I'm reading or only one sentence that I'm writing. I will continue to focus on kindness at work. I will get everything in order so help me or else I'm going to turn into someone that I don't like. I'm trying really hard to be someone that I do like. Liking yourself is sort of important, or it should be.
So what have I found since I've been trying to turn myself around? Well, I've been swimming. That's helped. In the few days that I've cut out fried crap I have felt (and looked) much better. I will continue to be a klutz and injure myself constantly, but the bruises fade. I will grumble about scholarships but get them done.
I've learned that I have to be an optimist or else things get ugly. I don't like asking why things are the way they are, or looking back and seeing what I could have done differently. It gets annoying. Most of the time I try to muddle through as best I can.
One really positive thing is that I am back at Faire. I've been hanging out with people I love and admire and have been getting to know a lot more people this year. I like getting to know different people in the different casts. I like getting to know the newbies. I like being able to help get the site ready for when the gates open. I like being outside for 48 hours straight. Even though it's pretty taxing physically and I come home exhausted, it's restful for me. It feels like home to me.
What I've enjoyed the most is getting to know people. That's really what's been the best part of this summer so far is just being in touch with people and talking to people face to face. I've already had some fun with people who I didn't really know before. I'm hoping that it will continue. If my experiences at Faire so far are an indication of how the rest of my summer will be in general, then things are going to be okay.
Plus, right now, it's not really about where I am. It's about where I am going.
Showing posts with label Homework. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Homework. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Saturday, November 3, 2012
A Haunting We Will Go!
In which I tell the story of my first Haunted House.
I thought I was going to go to Fear City a couple weeks ago, but it didn't quite work out. Life can kind of smack you in the face, you know? Anyways, I got an invite from a Bristol Friend by the name of Elizabeth to go on Monday night and I wasn't about to let this second opportunity pass me by.
Well the first thing that made me at home about this place were the Tardis blue port-a-privies. It was cold out and, man, was I glad I made sure to make that little trip at home.
Now, being a theatre person, I walk into the lobby and start going nuts over how cool the atmosphere is. Very nicely done. I even liked the promos about the zombies and the walk around characters' make up was SO COOL!!! Unfortunately, none of them would break character and tell me what brand of stuff they use...or fortunately because their job is to creep people out before they even get into the Haunted House!
The first haunted house (of the zombie variety) was cool. I think I jumped only a handful of times and honestly thought that it was super creative. I don't think anything genuinely scared me. I mean, there was this zombie pimp guy that was kind of nasty, but he also reminded me of the MC from Carabet, so it was funny too. I really liked the neon circus part, and the maze, and the white strobe light room, and the "dementor." I think the dementor (whatever that was) was the only thing that genuinely gave me even a hint of the willies.
I'm trying not to give too much away of what was in the houses because why spoil it for someone else?
The second haunted house had much more potential for a scare factor in my opinion. Unfortunately, since I knew a decent amount of people in the house, I was too busy playing "spot the rennies" and shouting out people's names when I saw them (or thought I saw them) to actually get scared. Plus, the second house was a bit more "spectacular" so I was appreciating all of the creativity and use of strobe and black lighting. I wish I could have gotten a better look at some of the rooms, but because of the strobe effects it was a little difficult.
To be honest, the things that scare me aren't zombies or black lit ghosts and people following me. I mean, it was a lot of fun to try and figure out if there was going to be someone around the next corner, but after that first thrill I simply saw straight through to the person screaming/growling/staring at me.
What scares me more are the people in this world. Somehow, a zombie with a plastic machete isn't nearly as terrifying as waking up not knowing if today will be your last day. Someone following you in a haunted house isn't as scary as someone you think might be following you while you're walking home in the dark. Wandering through a maze without any idea of direction isn't worse than wandering through life thinking that you're going somewhere, only to have your plans come crashing around you.
Haunted houses are a joke compared to life. Maybe that's why we love them, because they make us think that life isn't the scariest thing out there. I'm not calling the Haunted House I went to a "joke." Let me make it clear that I loved the Haunted House and thought it was awesome! I'd totally go again next year!
Now for a conscience check-
Tuesday I did something I'm not proud of. I didn't sleep at all Monday night (and it wasn't due to the fact that I had been to a haunted house) and I skipped my second class of the day to go home and sleep because I just couldn't deal with the world. I wanted everything to just stop. I had the worst sense that the world was spinning around me and there was nothing I could do. All that on a normal day would be difficult. On a day without any sleep the previous night? I caved and skipped Western Civilization.
Did I need that sleep? Yes, I really did. I felt 80% better and was in a much better state of mind.
I also had trouble sleeping on Wednesday night, so I'm wondering if there is something at school that is really stressing me out. Thursday was actually an ok day, my writing class was fantastic, I met with an adviser and got my classes for next semester picked out (such a load off my mind!), and my history teacher wasn't as immature as usual except for one or two brief moments (as opposed to a full half hour-45 minutes of class).
Let's hope this pattern continues for a few more days.
I thought I was going to go to Fear City a couple weeks ago, but it didn't quite work out. Life can kind of smack you in the face, you know? Anyways, I got an invite from a Bristol Friend by the name of Elizabeth to go on Monday night and I wasn't about to let this second opportunity pass me by.
Well the first thing that made me at home about this place were the Tardis blue port-a-privies. It was cold out and, man, was I glad I made sure to make that little trip at home.
Now, being a theatre person, I walk into the lobby and start going nuts over how cool the atmosphere is. Very nicely done. I even liked the promos about the zombies and the walk around characters' make up was SO COOL!!! Unfortunately, none of them would break character and tell me what brand of stuff they use...or fortunately because their job is to creep people out before they even get into the Haunted House!
The first haunted house (of the zombie variety) was cool. I think I jumped only a handful of times and honestly thought that it was super creative. I don't think anything genuinely scared me. I mean, there was this zombie pimp guy that was kind of nasty, but he also reminded me of the MC from Carabet, so it was funny too. I really liked the neon circus part, and the maze, and the white strobe light room, and the "dementor." I think the dementor (whatever that was) was the only thing that genuinely gave me even a hint of the willies.
I'm trying not to give too much away of what was in the houses because why spoil it for someone else?
The second haunted house had much more potential for a scare factor in my opinion. Unfortunately, since I knew a decent amount of people in the house, I was too busy playing "spot the rennies" and shouting out people's names when I saw them (or thought I saw them) to actually get scared. Plus, the second house was a bit more "spectacular" so I was appreciating all of the creativity and use of strobe and black lighting. I wish I could have gotten a better look at some of the rooms, but because of the strobe effects it was a little difficult.
To be honest, the things that scare me aren't zombies or black lit ghosts and people following me. I mean, it was a lot of fun to try and figure out if there was going to be someone around the next corner, but after that first thrill I simply saw straight through to the person screaming/growling/staring at me.
What scares me more are the people in this world. Somehow, a zombie with a plastic machete isn't nearly as terrifying as waking up not knowing if today will be your last day. Someone following you in a haunted house isn't as scary as someone you think might be following you while you're walking home in the dark. Wandering through a maze without any idea of direction isn't worse than wandering through life thinking that you're going somewhere, only to have your plans come crashing around you.
Haunted houses are a joke compared to life. Maybe that's why we love them, because they make us think that life isn't the scariest thing out there. I'm not calling the Haunted House I went to a "joke." Let me make it clear that I loved the Haunted House and thought it was awesome! I'd totally go again next year!
Now for a conscience check-
Tuesday I did something I'm not proud of. I didn't sleep at all Monday night (and it wasn't due to the fact that I had been to a haunted house) and I skipped my second class of the day to go home and sleep because I just couldn't deal with the world. I wanted everything to just stop. I had the worst sense that the world was spinning around me and there was nothing I could do. All that on a normal day would be difficult. On a day without any sleep the previous night? I caved and skipped Western Civilization.
Did I need that sleep? Yes, I really did. I felt 80% better and was in a much better state of mind.
I also had trouble sleeping on Wednesday night, so I'm wondering if there is something at school that is really stressing me out. Thursday was actually an ok day, my writing class was fantastic, I met with an adviser and got my classes for next semester picked out (such a load off my mind!), and my history teacher wasn't as immature as usual except for one or two brief moments (as opposed to a full half hour-45 minutes of class).
Let's hope this pattern continues for a few more days.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Promises.
Yes I feel very guilty for neglecting my "real life" blog.
Here's what happened- real life.
Bristol ended, and school started. Along with school, I am working part time as a barista and earning more in one week than I earned in two weeks at my old job. Part of that is they pay me a little bit better, and I also have a minimum of 12 hours a week because it's a union job. Along with schooling and my job, I teach dance on Thursday nights and take dance on Monday and Thursday.
Oh, and I went to one audition on Saturday, and am planning on going to another a week from tomorrow. I didn't do my best at the audition on Saturday, but you win some and you lose some right? I'm actually okay considering that I think I won't make the show. I have only been cut from something once, and to be honest, I'm looking forward to getting some rejections.
Along with dealing with the lovely stress of auditions, I have the lovely stress of having a teacher in my Western Civilization class who likes to stress me out. That is all I will say on this topic because I do not want this blog to turn into a ranting spot.
Add on top of that, trying to maintain the friendships I started this summer at Bristol. It's tough. I miss people. I miss a LOT of people.
I remember one of my friends from Bristol promising me that they'd have a movie night and have me come and visit. Now, with some "theater type people" saying that "we should have a movie night" is like when you meet an old acquaintance and promise to have coffee without really ever meaning what you say. I've learned to take promises of future events with a grain of salt and try not to hope too hard. I also try to follow through on my promises of this type of nature, or at least acknowledge that these speculative ideas are simply ideas.
However, I had a good amount of faith in this person and they made good on their promise. So yesterday I hoped onto a train and got myself to the city for a Pirate Movie Night. I think I was almost looking forward to this too much.
To put things briefly- this week has stressed me out more than most weeks. On top of social complications, work, school, auditions, and a queasy stomach, I've had to make some hard choices about how much my faith comes into my life. This does not make for a very sane me.
Last year I relied on coffee as my pacifier, this year it is Chai Tea.
It's amazing how seeing just a few dear friends can make a difference. I was actually able to eat a decent sized meal for the first time in about five days. I found myself able to relax without having to remind myself to release the tension in my shoulders. I was up until about 2 AM playing a board game that still doesn't make any sense, but it was fun and I was with people I've been missing for weeks. This was a promise fulfilled.
As I was thinking about this today, I've been wondering about what has God promised me? I can't say I like all of the challenges put in front of me recently. Some of them have been downright painful and I want to know why. Have you ever felt like just asking God, WHY?
A few weeks ago I made a commitment to go further in my faith and welcome the challenges that would be brought to me. This week's challenges made me remember exactly how miserable I felt last year, because that's how I felt for a few days this week. There was lots of Chai Tea and teddy-bear hugging. Now we're back to just the Chai Tea stage.
I remember hearing the small voice that said "I can't wait to show you the plans I have for you." and I knew it was God talking to me. That was only two weeks ago. My life has certainly become topsy truvy in the last 14 days.
If last year was about learning to trust God no matter what. I think this year I'm hearing the word "Obey" and "Surrender." Not easy concepts for me to grasp. However, I want to see what promises and plans God has for me this year.
Now I've got to get back to more of that stressful history homework for that "wonderful" professor who is currently driving me up a wall.
Here's what happened- real life.
Bristol ended, and school started. Along with school, I am working part time as a barista and earning more in one week than I earned in two weeks at my old job. Part of that is they pay me a little bit better, and I also have a minimum of 12 hours a week because it's a union job. Along with schooling and my job, I teach dance on Thursday nights and take dance on Monday and Thursday.
Oh, and I went to one audition on Saturday, and am planning on going to another a week from tomorrow. I didn't do my best at the audition on Saturday, but you win some and you lose some right? I'm actually okay considering that I think I won't make the show. I have only been cut from something once, and to be honest, I'm looking forward to getting some rejections.
Along with dealing with the lovely stress of auditions, I have the lovely stress of having a teacher in my Western Civilization class who likes to stress me out. That is all I will say on this topic because I do not want this blog to turn into a ranting spot.
Add on top of that, trying to maintain the friendships I started this summer at Bristol. It's tough. I miss people. I miss a LOT of people.
I remember one of my friends from Bristol promising me that they'd have a movie night and have me come and visit. Now, with some "theater type people" saying that "we should have a movie night" is like when you meet an old acquaintance and promise to have coffee without really ever meaning what you say. I've learned to take promises of future events with a grain of salt and try not to hope too hard. I also try to follow through on my promises of this type of nature, or at least acknowledge that these speculative ideas are simply ideas.
However, I had a good amount of faith in this person and they made good on their promise. So yesterday I hoped onto a train and got myself to the city for a Pirate Movie Night. I think I was almost looking forward to this too much.
To put things briefly- this week has stressed me out more than most weeks. On top of social complications, work, school, auditions, and a queasy stomach, I've had to make some hard choices about how much my faith comes into my life. This does not make for a very sane me.
Last year I relied on coffee as my pacifier, this year it is Chai Tea.
It's amazing how seeing just a few dear friends can make a difference. I was actually able to eat a decent sized meal for the first time in about five days. I found myself able to relax without having to remind myself to release the tension in my shoulders. I was up until about 2 AM playing a board game that still doesn't make any sense, but it was fun and I was with people I've been missing for weeks. This was a promise fulfilled.
As I was thinking about this today, I've been wondering about what has God promised me? I can't say I like all of the challenges put in front of me recently. Some of them have been downright painful and I want to know why. Have you ever felt like just asking God, WHY?
A few weeks ago I made a commitment to go further in my faith and welcome the challenges that would be brought to me. This week's challenges made me remember exactly how miserable I felt last year, because that's how I felt for a few days this week. There was lots of Chai Tea and teddy-bear hugging. Now we're back to just the Chai Tea stage.
I remember hearing the small voice that said "I can't wait to show you the plans I have for you." and I knew it was God talking to me. That was only two weeks ago. My life has certainly become topsy truvy in the last 14 days.
If last year was about learning to trust God no matter what. I think this year I'm hearing the word "Obey" and "Surrender." Not easy concepts for me to grasp. However, I want to see what promises and plans God has for me this year.
Now I've got to get back to more of that stressful history homework for that "wonderful" professor who is currently driving me up a wall.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Night of Homework
Quick update while I give my brain a break.
Fiddled around with the design settings, don't know if I like the new look. I was a bit tired of the red though.
So my applications are sent! YAY!!! *clappity clappity* One thing I can check off my list.
Got my psych paper done, and am working on my evil english paper. I might have my 10 required sources already (YES!), 5 biographies, 3 or 4 internet articles, and 2 of ACD's own books. I have to pick out which works I'd like to reference of ACD. Still, I know that I have some great references, I just need to read them all.
Tonight I will write a resume and select a headshot for my Ren Faire Auditions. I will choreograph most of my Ren Faire audition piece as well as Claire De Looney. I will consider this a well spent day. Maybe I'll indulge myself and watch an old film. I'm thinking Harvey Girls.
For my Ren Faire audition I'm going to do my version of The Firebird. Based on the ballet, based on the cartoon that Disney made for Fantasia 2000. If you have not seen it- look it up on youtube. I'm in love with that piece.
Today is one of those rare good days where I accomplish a lot and feel good about what I've accomplished.
Announcement- I will be adding character analysis to my posts. I know I've done book reviews, but I also really want to go into the characters of the books more than the plot. I've read some awful books that have brilliant characters.
So slight update, nothing really meaty that I have time (or inclination) to post about right now. Hopefully I'll have the time to post again soon!
Fiddled around with the design settings, don't know if I like the new look. I was a bit tired of the red though.
So my applications are sent! YAY!!! *clappity clappity* One thing I can check off my list.
Got my psych paper done, and am working on my evil english paper. I might have my 10 required sources already (YES!), 5 biographies, 3 or 4 internet articles, and 2 of ACD's own books. I have to pick out which works I'd like to reference of ACD. Still, I know that I have some great references, I just need to read them all.
Tonight I will write a resume and select a headshot for my Ren Faire Auditions. I will choreograph most of my Ren Faire audition piece as well as Claire De Looney. I will consider this a well spent day. Maybe I'll indulge myself and watch an old film. I'm thinking Harvey Girls.
For my Ren Faire audition I'm going to do my version of The Firebird. Based on the ballet, based on the cartoon that Disney made for Fantasia 2000. If you have not seen it- look it up on youtube. I'm in love with that piece.
Today is one of those rare good days where I accomplish a lot and feel good about what I've accomplished.
Announcement- I will be adding character analysis to my posts. I know I've done book reviews, but I also really want to go into the characters of the books more than the plot. I've read some awful books that have brilliant characters.
So slight update, nothing really meaty that I have time (or inclination) to post about right now. Hopefully I'll have the time to post again soon!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Hi-Ho!
Hi-Ho! It's off to work we go!
So work was really busy and I enjoyed myself. I love the ladies I work with. Really, they are so kind and it's such a good work environment. Blessing from God!
Apparently someone got a full time job and can only work weekends now, and gave no notice...oops. So that means I get more hours this week! Working a lot on Friday after-hours. 4-11pm.
Shout out to my "sister" HumbleIndigo for finding me! While her name on these boards might be UnassumingAzure (Those are other meanings of the words Humble and Indigo for those of you who didn't catch that), I call her Freyy. Have done so for YEARS, and can't break the habit. Plus, Freyy is a lot easier to type out. Anyway- she's amazing and I love her so much! My big sister in so many ways.
Thank goodness I have Freyy to critique my writing, and the Doctor to be a sounding board/advisory on magic in my little make-believe world. What would I do if I didn't have nerdy amazing friends?
Anyway- I have to go finish the "rough draft" of my Source Evaluation Paper. Backwards it spells- Pure Evil Source-of-headache. :P
So work was really busy and I enjoyed myself. I love the ladies I work with. Really, they are so kind and it's such a good work environment. Blessing from God!
Apparently someone got a full time job and can only work weekends now, and gave no notice...oops. So that means I get more hours this week! Working a lot on Friday after-hours. 4-11pm.
Shout out to my "sister" HumbleIndigo for finding me! While her name on these boards might be UnassumingAzure (Those are other meanings of the words Humble and Indigo for those of you who didn't catch that), I call her Freyy. Have done so for YEARS, and can't break the habit. Plus, Freyy is a lot easier to type out. Anyway- she's amazing and I love her so much! My big sister in so many ways.
Thank goodness I have Freyy to critique my writing, and the Doctor to be a sounding board/advisory on magic in my little make-believe world. What would I do if I didn't have nerdy amazing friends?
Anyway- I have to go finish the "rough draft" of my Source Evaluation Paper. Backwards it spells- Pure Evil Source-of-headache. :P
Monday, October 24, 2011
Crazy Time!
Maybe I shouldn't have called into work saying I could take a shift tomorrow night....
First of all, I'm working tomorrow from 10-1pm. Then I go home, do homework, eat lunch and pack a "Dinner." and then go BACK to work from 5-8:30.
Then I get to rush my butt over to dance class and pretend to be co-ordinated for a while.
By Friday I have a "evualuation of sources" paper due...I can't write much of it on Wednesday, because I'm taking dance and am gone from 3pm-10pm at night. I could stay up really late Wednesday and work all day Thursday. Can't do it thursady night because I want to go to a friend in a show, and I can't see it any other night except Thursday. Why? I'm working Friday, at a theater all day Saturday, then on Sunday I have to work again from 4:45-MIDNIGHT!!!
I really should have called in an said that I couldn't do the shift. Instead I'm thinking about how much I need the money so I can pay for another dance class, and pay for a girl's weekend trip, and pay for a dance I want to go to, and pay for the dress I'll need to buy, and pay for my coffee habits.
Arg, I think I've gotta skip dance tomorrow night and work on my stupid assignment.
I hate having to skip dance class!!!! Fastest way to tick me off. Oh well, it's my own fault. The need of funds vs the passion of dance. Need of funds won out this time (or maybe, the need for a good grade).
To be continued...
First of all, I'm working tomorrow from 10-1pm. Then I go home, do homework, eat lunch and pack a "Dinner." and then go BACK to work from 5-8:30.
Then I get to rush my butt over to dance class and pretend to be co-ordinated for a while.
By Friday I have a "evualuation of sources" paper due...I can't write much of it on Wednesday, because I'm taking dance and am gone from 3pm-10pm at night. I could stay up really late Wednesday and work all day Thursday. Can't do it thursady night because I want to go to a friend in a show, and I can't see it any other night except Thursday. Why? I'm working Friday, at a theater all day Saturday, then on Sunday I have to work again from 4:45-MIDNIGHT!!!
I really should have called in an said that I couldn't do the shift. Instead I'm thinking about how much I need the money so I can pay for another dance class, and pay for a girl's weekend trip, and pay for a dance I want to go to, and pay for the dress I'll need to buy, and pay for my coffee habits.
Arg, I think I've gotta skip dance tomorrow night and work on my stupid assignment.
I hate having to skip dance class!!!! Fastest way to tick me off. Oh well, it's my own fault. The need of funds vs the passion of dance. Need of funds won out this time (or maybe, the need for a good grade).
To be continued...
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