Looking to the Horizon

Today my brain feels like it will explode. Just one of those days where it is one thing after another, never ending.

So what did I do? I took a walk. That was probably the best thing I could have done today. Simple physical exertion. No ipods, cell phone turned on silent, a bottle of water to keep me hydrated. It was more than just "nice." It was needed.

Things are (in general) looking up. I've managed to navigate some stressful situations that I'm not necessarily through, but God is keeping me going. He's always there for me. I'm forever grateful for that. I know there is a plan He's laid out for me. He's shown up in amazing ways of late.

For instance....
I've been accepted into my dream school, Roosevelt University, into the Chicago College of the Performing Arts for a Musical Theater (Dance Emphasis) major. I've toured the campus, and it's so beautiful. It feels right to be in the city. I know that it's where I want to go. I want to go so badly. In my opinion, it's a bit of a miracle that I even made it into the program.

Now I'm praying and looking for a way to finance my education. All I can say about Roosevelt is that it's $$$. I'll have to take out loans, do work study, save all that I can from my part time job paycheck, and apply for a million scholarships.

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not afraid that I won't find the money to fill the gap between me and school. I will be heartbroken. I don't say or use that word lightly.

I know that if God wants me at Roosevelt, my family and I will find the money. He will provide for me wherever I need to go. He's already provided for so much in this journey. I've been well cared for and am learning to give over control. It's not easy. I have to constantly give up control of something that I have very little control over. It's simply my way to want to try and control things, especially when I want something so much.
 Still, I have faith that the money will be there. I will do my part in applying for scholarships and finding ways of saving what I can. Just one year at a time. That's all my family is focusing on right now, because we don't know if I am able to go to school this year, if I'll be able to go next year. It's a sobering thought. It adds a lot of stress to all of us. I don't like the idea of being in debt for 10-15 years after school. I'm crazy because I'm going into a field that simply doesn't pay. Why? Because performing is like breathing to me.
I'll find some way. The biggest hurdle yet was putting down the deposit and saying that I'm going to do my best to go to Roosevelt this fall.

"Live like no one else so you can live like no one else." Right, Dave Ramsey?

I hope that this is just the sun coming up and not the sun setting for me. I have my plan B, going back to Harper and finishing an associates in either Arts or History and then going from there. I've just got to trust God that He's going to come through. Because it's His will over mine. I've learned that in extraordinary ways this year. I've just got to keep learning this lesson. I'm not perfect and it's a process.

Now back to the crazy land of papers and scholarships and community college assignments.

There's Been A Change In Me

Dramatic- yesh. Fitting, very much so.

Let's take a look back, shall we?

Since it’s been about a year since I started blogging, I took a few minutes to look over the past year and what I wrote. That’s really painful as a writer to look back over a semi-personal public journal that I made to record the basic facts of what was going on in my life. I glossed over a lot during my posts. As I reread them I remember things that I didn’t even talk about because of my “publishing ethics” and rule of “Don’t post anything that could come to back to bite you.”

Those first few months that I started blogging were miserable. Dealing with changing relationships, starting college, and my first job seemed to be all that I posted about (except that relationship thing, I tried to avoid talking about things that involved people I was growing distant from). I think I was a little repetitive. I’m hoping to change that in this next year.

I’ve changed so much since last fall.

I was at a Christmas party a few weeks ago and the way I described this new school year was that “Life is still hard, but I’m better equipped than I was last year.”

Last year I did not have the vast network of friends to hold me up. I had a handful of astonishing friends, who love me dearly, and they held me up. They got me through many a though day and let me be mopey and dramatic and work through my struggles without telling me to “man up” unless I was being unreasonable.

So to Shelby, Teegan, Kady, Colin, Mom, Dad, and anyone else who held me up during last fall (and through last year), thank you. Yes I am breaking a rule and using real names. You deserve to be known.

Then came the most frightening and amazing thing that pulled me out of myself and dropped me back here, more myself than I ever thought possible.

That was Bristol.

There is no way to thank all of you who took me in and befriended me this summer. Anyone who gave me any word of encouragement or smile or hug, you all changed me. You let me be myself and, honestly, forced me to be myself. I simply could not be false or hold back around you all.

The encouragement and support I’ve found from my Bristol Family has helped me to go out and pursue the things I love, and to admit that I love them without fear of judgment or rejection. Or, even if I am rejected, I know that I have a support group who believes in me.

I couldn’t have admitted these goals at the beginning of summer. Or even at the middle of summer. Now I am going to open up a few very close to my heart goals that I want to accomplish.

1)                   I want to go back to my youth theatre group, where I felt so much pressure and became insecure in my own talents, and teach children in a pressure free environment where they will not be judged or typed.

As a side note- I learned many character-building things from this theater group and made many friends there. I had some of the best and worst times of my tween/teen years. There were a lot of negative things that I came away from this group with. I had insecurities and a lot of self-doubt as to whether or not I could follow my dreams. I want to make sure that in my teaching I am not creating the same type of environment. I want to teach improvisation without any pressure to be funny. I want to teach dance where the shy child can shine. Most of all I want to take the negative things and turn them into something positive.

2)                   I’ve wanted to play Queen Elizabeth I since I was little. I think it’s about time for me to start making that a reality. Starting this year I’m going to be doing more research and figuring out how and where I can play a young Elizabeth. It will be a start.

3)                   I want to value others and be a good example. Not in the “I’m a goody two shoes” kind of way, because I’m going to make mistakes and break the rules some days. I just want to learn from my mistakes and come out on top. I’ve been inspired and mentored by so many astonishing people over this past year. I want to be that to someone.

All of this I want to accomplish along with going to school (and hopefully transferring to another school by fall 2013), being apart of a musical, working, taking dance classes, writing, and any other social life that manages to fit in somewhere.

Looking over this last year. God has taken care of me in ways I could never have imagined. I've been stretched and molded and tested in my faith and principles. I'm still standing by what I fundamentally believe to be true.  God is still good, and He's blessed me and given me the strength to make it through some rough times that are by no means over. I'm just learning to thank Him for the small good things (and the large ones, though they are more rare) that make life sweet.

Thank you all for a roller coaster of a year. 2012 I bid you Adieu. 2013, I can’t wait to see what you have in store.

So, when did I get pretty?

Something happened over the past year, and I don’t know what caused this, but here’s the fact of the matter.

Somehow, in some strange way, I became physically attractive and people started noticing.

Now this isn’t going to be about how I have a “horrible” (aka, fishing for compliments) self image or how because of my acne I never thought anyone would be able to think of my physical appearance as appealing. I might have had moments like these at various times throughout my life, but everyone does.

I think part of what happened was that I distanced myself from a lot of the people who made my insecurities problems and I began to make friends who really build me up and encourage me. In short, I got a confidence boost. Privately, I’ve always thought that I am not bad looking (the threat of vanity and pride prevents me from saying anything further), but throughout the last year I have been blasted with compliments and remarks about how I have become an attractive young woman. Most of these comments come from males, as well as some of my female friends whom I hold in high esteem and trust their opinion. It’s been overwhelming, interesting, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it was flattering. 

Yeesh, ya'll are turning me feminine.

To me, being attractive is as much about having a genuine personality that reflects positive traits and intelligence as it is about being physically appealing. Actually, let me retract that statement. Being attractive is much MORE about having a genuine personality that reflects positive traits and intelligence as it is about physical attractiveness. I happen to believe 100% that I have beautiful friends; each of my friends is a beautiful person inside and out. I can see the promise of each human being and there is always a redemptive quality in everyone on earth (except for maybe a few truly evil people, but that’s another topic for another time). This weekend while some of my friends and I were out at dinner I voiced my opinion that I don’t think anyone is truly ugly unless they have a horrible personality.

Part of what we regard as “beautiful” to our eyes is personal preference. For instance, I know several people who adore red hair, and others who go ga-ga over blondes with curls, and some who really like brown eyes, or they find tattoos attractive. The other major part is what society dubs as conventionally beautiful. Unfortunately, society seems to say that you really only need to be beautiful in the shallowest way possible. Be a decoration with a decent GPA and you will go far. Change yourself to match our standards and you’ll be happy.

Let me scoff and giggle and pull out my hair at the absurdity of it all.

If I am beautiful, I want to be beautiful because I have a light in me that shines through my personality and transforms me from the inside out. I’d rather be attractive because I show kindness, than because I have the kind of hair that everyone admires. I’d rather be pretty because my actions reflect grace and thoughtfulness than be pretty because of my makeup.

If I am thought pretty or beautiful or attractive I want it to be because I am smart, and willing to admit my faults as a person, and willing to be better by learning new things and correcting my errors. If I happen to be pleasing to the eye on a physical appearance basis, I hope that no one mistakes that this is the most I have to offer.

Tired but happy.

This week has been one of many ups and downs, but the ups made up for all the downs!
And I am extremely tired. Let's hope this post isn't rubbish.

This past Wednesday I went to the "Huge Studio" as I will nickname it for the internet. Best night of my life! I'm only in the Beg/Intermediate level, but I was challenged and learned so much, just in two classes! Each class is an hour and half and I had two of them back to back. Three hours in the most freeing experience I've had! Really, dancing makes me let go of everything else. I was nervous on my way to the studio and before class, but once classes started, I felt completely at peace. Everything just seemed to come naturally- or as naturally as it can when you're trying to keep up with a very good dance class/instructor. Everyone in my class was at least a couple years older than I was, or very near my age. One of the women had to be in her 60s, but she was keeping up just fine!
For the first time in my life- I didn't feel like I had to live up to anyone's expectations, compete with younger dancers to be as good as them because I was older, or feel like I was doing badly because I can't lift my legs as high as some of the others. I recently read a quote from a dancer that said something like "You're not there for anyone but yourself." I've been trying to apply that to my own life in dance class. I'm in class to better myself and further myself along in my dance path. If I can help someone else along the way- that'd be great, but I'm not in class to compare myself to anyone. I'm not there to prove that I belong there, because I know I belong there.
I can't really describe it in any other way that would make sense. I came home Wednesday night and the only way I could describe it was "amazing- just amazing!" It was like God was whispering in my ear "This is where you belong." I was almost in tears because I was so happy and in awe of how God has been working in my life.
On Friday I tried out the dance company at my community college. They have a nice poms team group there, but it is not the type of dance that I am looking for. Cheeleading and Pom Squad are great for some people, but those styles have never been "my thing." Also, the conversation I heard prior to "class" wasn't the most encouraging. To seal the deal, throughout the time I spent visiting the class I could tell that that wasn't the place God wanted me to be, so I left early because I had a lot to do on Friday. That's fine though! I'm going to be dancing at least 7-8 hours a week soon. To me, it doesn't seem enough. Now when I dance, I don't want to stop. I just want to push and push and keep going and going and going. I suppose I need to remember what will happen if I push too hard. I don't want to hurt myself, but I want to be dancing as much as I can.
Something else I am excited about- I have an internship for Project Dance! I've been wanting to intern for the program that helped me to this path and have a chance to give back. Now I've got that chance and can't wait for PD to start!
God has definitely been blessing me abundantly this week. Even in my few troubles this week (mostly with an annoying school assignment and very little sleep this week- I'm so exhausted) it hasn't been as hard as some of the previous weeks. Like I said a little while back- I can cope with everything SO much better when I am dancing.

"I will believe that what God has placed inside me is superior to the mountains that stand in my way."

No clue who said that quote. It's from a book I got for graduation called "Dance while you can." It's filled with quotes (though no references as to who said them).

Until something else I need to post about happens!

~Astonishing~