Acne Then, and Acne Now

WARNING- THIS IS A POSITIVE POST!!!

I'm trying really hard right now to find some things to be "bright" about because life seems to insist on throwing beets my way. Not lemons, because I like lemons. I don't like beets. Nor do I like beet juice. I'm going to feed these beets to the beetles and then make BEETLEJUICE by squashing the little evils.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Erm...let's pretend that never happened okay? 

Today we're going to take a look at my acne over the past few years. I've struggled with acne for since I reached my teen years. It's a genetic thing, and it has held me back from having a good self esteem for a long time. I've always felt like I couldn't be pretty with acne on my face, shoulders, neck, chest, and back. It has been like that since I was about 14/15 years old. That's really tough for a 14 year old.

I will let the photos speak for themselves with only a few comments.

Here's me, before I ever dyed my hair, probably sometime freshman summer. It doesn't show up much in the picture but I had a pretty bumpy forehead. This was a good day.






These next two photos are from when I went to Estes Park in Colorado for a family vacation.

 This was probably during some of the worst years for my acne. Super embarrassing for me when all of my friends had clear skin. Didn't stop me from wearing tank tops or anything, but for a while I did wear stage grade make-up to "hide" my acne.

What did I try to get rid of my acne? What didn't I try is more like it. I've tried over the counter stuff, I've tried natural remedies, I've tried Proactive and Mural (didn't work at ALL). I saw one dermatologist and he wanted to put me on a medication that has actually caused people to have heart problems later in life when the first medicine failed. It's called Acutaine. I did consider taking it at one point I hated my face so much. I hated looking like a pepperoni pizza. I also hated my friends telling me that it wasn't too bad. Granted they could have been blind because they were my friends, but I was a little cynical that someone could be that blind.

To be honest. I gave up for a while. I didn't go on Acutaine, and we stopped seeing that dermatologist because, frankly, he was a jerk.  Part of me thought that wanting clear skin was a "vanity."

This picture is from my senior summer when I was not dying my hair and trying to grow it out. Yes I have paint on my face, I was working make-up for a production of The Jungle Book. At the time this was a "good day." Not fun to think of this as a good day.

This is perhaps the most honest picture of my face I could find of "before." There was plenty of acne on the sides of my face too. By now I also had cystic acne to go with the everyday redheads and whiteheads. I'm sure this grosses some people out, but I've ceased to be bothered.


Then I found the most wonderful person in the world, my current dermatologist. She took one look at me and within ten minutes of consultation, I had a prescription and a lot of bottles of things to put onto my face.






Then things started to slowly get better. There was some trial and error. I had to get my prescription changed because it wasn't working as well as the Derm' and I wanted. 

This is me sticking out my tongue in defiance. I never was one to go down without a fight, even if there were a few times I wanted to just give in and hate my face (anyone recognize this place? No I was never a RenQuester). This photo was the year BEFORE I worked the Ren Faire. I had just started to dye my hair red. This was just before I started to see my current dermatologist. You can't really see it, but there's a lot of red along the side of my face and on my neck (not due to my clothing OR hair).

Here's a photo of me from this February when I took headshots pretty much two weeks before Ren Fair Auditions. When I still had bangs to hide my forehead.

This classified as a "bad day" for me at the time. Today that would be classified as a "horrible" day. I have a great friend who cleaned up my face in a photo-editing program. This is before I switched medications to the one I am currently on.

 This next lovely portrait was taken this past July at the dance camp I helped out at. Notice how clear my skin is! This is after we changed the prescription to something that has actually worked! It's called Amoxicillin and it has worked wonders.
Anyone else love the mustache? 

And this "lovely" self portrait was from about a month ago. Btw- this is a medium day. Today is even better (no I don't have a photograph). I saw the Dermatologist today and she doesn't want to see me for three months because I'm doing so well! To go from seeing her each month, to two months, to three months, this means I am finally improving!


Will I have to deal with Acne for most of my life? Because I am a woman, probably. Will it get better? I'm hoping it continues to do so. I finally feel like people see me and not my acne when I'm around them. The dermatologist thinks that my skin will continue to improve and we're really hopeful about more progress.


I know I posted a few frustrations about my acne last year, and I just wanted to give a "current" update about my little journey with my face.

Now where are those beets?........

My little dream

Time to think positive thoughts, at least for today.

While my future is something that is currently overwhelming me, it is a sea of possibilities. I'm starting to formulate tentative plans for next semester that involve a lot of Arts training and not much else (well, maybe an Algebra clep test, but let's not talk about that scary thing).

I scheduled a visit to a college that a dance teacher of mine (look back at my posts about dancing with Melinda) told me to apply for. I was accepted last year, but put the school on the shelf.
Technically it doesn't have the exact program I'm looking for, which would a Theatre degree with a concentration in Dance, so I could minor in History. I want to talk to the admissions board there about how we could work that out. I see many possibilities, one of them being that it doesn't work out. That would be okay though, because I want to go to the college that God leads me to.

For those of you who say to major in History and minor in Dance....well...I've thought about that. I don't like the idea. Yes, I know it's more "practical" but seriously, since when are most college students actually getting jobs in their degree field right now? Unless that changes dramatically in the next few years I think I'm better off going for what I love and training in performance.

I've never been one to dream about the big house on the hill with the four cars and lots of cash in the bank. I don't need designer clothing. I love thrifting. I like Aldi's, except for their produce section which makes me cringe. Bargains are awesome, but I also know that sometimes you need to shell out the cash for a quality item.

I'd be happy in an apartment in Chicago. I'd be fine with having a roommate or two to split rent. One day I'd like to be sharing that space with a husband, but that will all come in good time. I'd be happy with a cat, or two, or three. I hear they're pretty addicting. I'd be happy without a car, or a nice used car. My family has only bought one brand new car (to my knowledge). Our "newest" car is a used car. It runs perfectly fine!
Of course, I don't think I could give up my obsession for books. However, I don't think that's too much of a problem other than finding shelf space.
I'd be happy working for a Museum, Performing, Writing my stories (maybe getting paid for them), and having a group of friends who are as intellectual (and more so, because that would stretch my mind) as I am. 
One day, very far away, I'd like to adopt a child. I don't know where from, but I've wanted to adopt for a long time.

That right there, that's my little dream. I don't need the American Dream. I don't need to be a millionaire. It's not about the quantity, it's about the quality.

Now I've just got to find my way there.
I think I needed this moment of Hope, all I have to do is hold on to it and see where it goes.

Closing up

I have this great talent for shutting people out to protect them, and then punishing them by being moody because I won't open up about what's going on in my life. I can also minimize my worries and troubles (as silly as they might be, at least, in my opinion they all are silly).
Not that I'm going to post all of my dark secrets here. On the internet, for everyone to see. That would be unwise and idiotic.

I finally started venting to my parents my frustrations and insecurities about college and where I'm going to end up. This is only one of the things I am grappling with right now (see, that clever avoidance of continuing on about my college worries?).
My mom pointed out (or rather, called me out) that I have been acting in such a way that makes the rest of the family tiptoe around me on eggshells because they don't know whats going on or why I'm being so moody all of the time. I need to find a better word other than moody.

Moody
Adjective- temperamental, emotional, volatile, capricious, changeable, mercurial; sullen, sulky, morose, glum, depressed, dejected, despondent, doleful, dour, sour, saturnine, manic-depressive; informal blue, down in the dumps, down in/at the mouth. ANTONYMS even-tempered, cheerful.

I think that all of these words have applied to me at some point in the past weeks. I've felt lost, unsure of my future. I've felt lonely, some friendships seem to be changing and I don't like what's happening. I've felt frustrated with maintaining a balancing act between work, school, and a minimal social life.  I've also gotten frustrated with myself that I'm causing my family, and maybe others, to tiptoe around me. I don't want that.

And all of this is vague enough so that you, dear reader, will feel like I'm merely politely blogging without going in too deep about personal matters that I do not wish to put out on the internet.

I posted a status on Facebook about how this year simply cannot be as hard as last year. I refuse to think that this year will be a repeat of broken friendships, miserable days at community college, and lots of complications about figuring out my future.
I didn't expect the outpouring of support I received from my friends. Friends who I had only known for a little while where sending me private messages to make sure I was okay and offering a shoulder to lean on, making me feel supported and loved.
I shied away from all of it. I gave the answers I needed to give and I got everyone to shut up. I opened up the bare minimum to one friend and felt a little bit better, but there was still that voice inside my head saying "This is YOUR burden, don't heap it on others. Keep Calm and Carry On. If you talk to all these people about what's going on you're going to just end up venting hot air and that's something needy people do. Be strong for Pete's Sake. You've always gotten through things and you don't need to go telling everyone your problems, they've got enough of their own. Actually, see if they need any help. You like giving help."  

It's true, I love helping my friends. I love being the strong one. I love being the slightly offbeat loner who has her own little niche and is constantly expanding it. I love being able to hold it together. I've been the shoulder to cry on, the older sister, the one who helps people figure out their problems. And I won't let anyone help me. 

I thought I was getting so much better at this. Maybe I am. I was able to have a very good chat with a friend during the drives too and from Stronghold. I was able to open up a bit then.
But, when I am confronted with so much love and support that it overwhelms me, I go hide.

This past Sunday at church the choir was singing a song. Some of the lyrics were "Don't give up. Just hold on. Joy will come. You be strong."
Talk about a wrecking. It just floored me and pierced my heart. I can't think that God isn't going to use this time of my life for some reason down the road. There's got to be some reason for all of this. That's really the only thought getting me through this. Soldiering on.

In other news- I'm hoping to get a "general events" update on this and make this blog a bit more cheery than it has been of late. I'm genuinely sorry that I haven't been able to post about better things. I also am planning on (aka- haven't had the time yet) posting some fiction on my Ship's blog.

I think I posted something like this last year.

I think there should be a rule against time travel, particularly where feelings are concerned.

Fall is my favorite seasons, it's a time for endings and beginnings. It's a time for color and life and vibrancy. Fall is the time of year where you can eat pretty much any food you want, wear whatever you like because the weather is changeable as the tides, and it has so many things to do. Corn mazes, bonfires, Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving, School starts (yes, I like learning), so many things that I love.

Fall is also one of the hardest seasons I have experienced. I used to hate summer. I'm much more a cool weather person than a warm weather person. I hated summer for other reasons, but then I had two good summers in a row and that sort of got fixed. I learned that seasons are just seasons.

However, when we put a season on repeat. I get a bit testy. When I have to make choices that I don't like, I get angry and frustrated and sad. When I don't know what to do and feel helpless, I feel like running forever and ever. 

Right now I want to run and run and run until I'm out of breath and can just drop down and not get up until everything is back to normal. Except that I think that normal is a myth. Normal has never existed for me, therefore it's a useless word used to describe a conformity to a routine defined by someone years ago. I despise normality, and yet I crave some semblance of the wretched thing. Stability might be the real world I'm looking for.

The stupid truth is, I'm lonely again. I have more friends than I think I've ever had in my life, and I'm lonely and overwhelmed by life and the things I'm facing right now. Before this summer, when I would get overwhelmed I would shut down emotionally. It was just easier for me to turn off all emotions and exist in a semi-alive world. It sucked because it meant I couldn't deal with the things I needed to deal with in an efficient manner.
This summer I learned to feel. I learned maybe too many things this summer, but none the less I learned a lot. I healed a lot.
I promised myself I would not shut down again. I'm sticking to that promise and right now, it sucks. I hate emotional pain, I hate fear, I hate stress, I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what the heck I'm doing!

I don't hate people, I just hate dealing with myself after interacting with people. I don't hate myself, I just don't like processing things. It's messy and I hate crying and I hate feeling because I'm not used to these things. I never thought I would be able to feel so much. I felt some wonderful emotions in the past few years that I thought would make me burst from their power, that means that there must be equally powerful emotions that could drag me down.

It seems like a lot of people are feeling this way lately. I don't like seeing my friends hurting. Doing something that you know is going to hurt someone close to you is the worst thing I can think of. Maybe I'm just too loyal and care too much about my friends. All I want to do is to console and fix my friends. I want to be able to hug them and say "let me hurt for you."
I once told my best friend that I thought I was going to be the one who hurt enough for both of us. It didn't really work out that way, but I sincerely believed that for a long time.

"Too much" was my cry last year, everything seemed like too much. Now I feel like it's mixed with "not enough." There is too much and not enough in my life. I can't tell you what of. The lines seem to blur together like text on a page.

I will not go back to being a shell of myself. It took me months to learn how to smile, nearly a year to relearn how to laugh. My laugh still sounds foreign in my ears. I surprise myself when I start to laugh.
My parents keep talking to me about finding a faith community. They fully acknowledge that it's not easy to find. In my experience I haven't made friends in my faith community very easily. It takes work. That's not a bad thing, I just don't know where to look where I would be accepted.

God, I need you to carry me, because I can't walk anymore.
Surrender is the hardest thing for me to do.

Promises.

Yes I feel very guilty for neglecting my "real life" blog.

Here's what happened- real life.

Bristol ended, and school started. Along with school, I am working part time as a barista and earning more in one week than I earned in two weeks at my old job. Part of that is they pay me a little bit better, and I also have a minimum of 12 hours a week because it's a union job. Along with schooling and my job, I teach dance on Thursday nights and take dance on Monday and Thursday.

Oh, and I went to one audition on Saturday, and am planning on going to another a week from tomorrow. I didn't do my best at the audition on Saturday, but you win some and you lose some right? I'm actually okay considering that I think I won't make the show. I have only been cut from something once, and to be honest, I'm looking forward to getting some rejections.

Along with dealing with the lovely stress of auditions, I have the lovely stress of having a teacher in my Western Civilization class who likes to stress me out. That is all I will say on this topic because I do not want this blog to turn into a ranting spot.

Add on top of that, trying to maintain the friendships I started this summer at Bristol. It's tough. I miss people. I miss a LOT of people.
I remember one of my friends from Bristol promising me that they'd have a movie night and have me come and visit. Now, with some "theater type people" saying that "we should have a movie night" is like when you meet an old acquaintance and promise to have coffee without really ever meaning what you say. I've learned to take promises of future events with a grain of salt and try not to hope too hard. I also try to follow through on my promises of this type of nature, or at least acknowledge that these speculative ideas are simply ideas.
However, I had a good amount of faith in this person and they made good on their promise. So yesterday I hoped onto a train and got myself to the city for a Pirate Movie Night. I think I was almost looking forward to this too much.
To put things briefly- this week has stressed me out more than most weeks. On top of social complications, work, school, auditions, and a queasy stomach, I've had to make some hard choices about how much my faith comes into my life. This does not make for a very sane me.

Last year I relied on coffee as my pacifier, this year it is Chai Tea.

It's amazing how seeing just a few dear friends can make a difference. I was actually able to eat a decent sized meal for the first time in about five days. I found myself able to relax without having to remind myself to release the tension in my shoulders. I was up until about 2 AM playing a board game that still doesn't make any sense, but it was fun and I was with people I've been missing for weeks. This was a promise fulfilled.

As I was thinking about this today, I've been wondering about what has God promised me? I can't say I like all of the challenges put in front of me recently. Some of them have been downright painful and I want to know why. Have you ever felt like just asking God, WHY?
A few weeks ago I made a commitment to go further in my faith and welcome the challenges that would be brought to me. This week's challenges made me remember exactly how miserable I felt last year, because that's how I felt for a few days this week. There was lots of Chai Tea and teddy-bear hugging. Now we're back to just the Chai Tea stage.
I remember hearing the small voice that said "I can't wait to show you the plans I have for you." and I knew it was God talking to me. That was only two weeks ago. My life has certainly become topsy truvy in the last 14 days.
If last year was about learning to trust God no matter what. I think this year I'm hearing the word "Obey" and "Surrender." Not easy concepts for me to grasp. However, I want to see what promises and plans God has for me this year. 

Now I've got to get back to more of that stressful history homework for that "wonderful" professor who is currently driving me up a wall.

Challenges

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30

This summer my faith has been challenged in ways I didn't think it would be. No one has outright challenged me as to why I believe what I believe, but questions have been coming up in my head every now and then and I actually have to think about "Why wouldn't I go along with that?" or "Is this what I really believe?"


Unfortunately, some of these things I don't know the answers too. I just don't know what I think about some maters when it comes to the world around me. I don't think this is a bad thing either. I like things that make me think and grow and form my own opinion.
Something that I want to strive for is basing my opinions and beliefs on what I have discovered and researched and come to believe, rather than just relying on what I've been taught all my life.

Let me clarify that I am NOT saying that what I've been taught is wrong. A lot of what I've been taught growing up I believe to be right, but I've come to that decision based on researching the answers for myself and "double checking." What can I say, I like to learn and research. I want to know the reasoning behind why I believe what I believe.

"So be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16


Since I am firm in a few things about my faith, I know I cannot bend the few principles I am firm on. If I bend them, what is holding me up? What standards can I have if I don't uphold the few things I am certain of now?
Sometimes it's really hard and I don't want to say "no." I've had to say no and pull back a couple times. More than a few times I've thought about bending. You can only bend so far until you break.

One thing I do know, is that I am firm in the essentials of my faith. I believe that Christianity is about love. Ultimately that's what my faith is all about. I am a failing human loved by a perfect God who I love as my Abba-Father. I will make mistakes and screw up (a lot) and He will still love me and forgive me.

I am really nervous about posting this. I've never posted anything so blatant about my faith before. 


If anything, this summer has taught me that I will be okay in the world and still maintain my faith. I might be going through an upward climb, but it's going to be okay. The first week of college was much easier than last year, and I already know I'm going to grow in many ways.
Last year was trusting that God would get me through each day. Now I've been able to get through that hard year and I know I will be provided for. This year is going to be new challenges and I'm looking forward to finding out what my Abba-Father and I will be working on this year. 

Hopefully I will be posting again soon on my Astonishing blog. I know I've been really heavy on the Anne blog this summer, but that blog has been there to chronicle my summer at Faire, and for the most part that's what I've been doing other than working (new job as Barista).
We have one weekend left for the Faire and I hope that if you haven't gone yet that you will come this weekend! It would mean a lot to me. I love the people that I am working with and they are the kindest most genuine people on earth. Look on my Anne blog for the last few posts I will be writing, including what will happen with my Anne blog once Faire is over, which I still need to think through.

Thank you for letting me be vulnerable through my writing, even if I'm hiding behind the mask of the internet.

Juicing

I've been having a lot of fatigue lately. So this past Thursday I manned up and went to see a doctor. Not the Doctor, my friend, a real doc (sorry Doctor, you're not a doc yet). I do not like going to the doctor. Specialist type doctors like dermatologists, podiatrists, and other such practitioners I have no problem with. Sign me up for a routine physical check up and I run in the opposite direction. My mom had to coax me into agreeing to the appointment.

After getting asked a lot of questions about my diet and weekly activities, the doctor starts talking about juicing green stuff. Green stuff= cilantro, parsley, lettuce, spinach, etc. I guess we're going to try and get my system more alkaline and less acidic since the doc thinks my meds are running havoc with my system.
I was tired before I started taking amoxicillin. I was on DORYX when I started having the fatigue. I'd actually been taking the DORYX for 6-7 months when I started noticing my fatigue. Fatigue is not in the main listed side effects of amoxicillin or DORYX. Of course, I could be completely wrong, but I've only been taking amoxicillin for about a month. My face is looking tons better, so I don't want to go off the drug right now.

However, I have no problem with trying to add more nutrition to my diet. I also have no issue with taking probiotics and fish oil to try and help me feel better. Goodness knows I'd like to not be tired all the time.

I did not know that the juicing of the green stuff would taste so strongly of...well...green stuff. Today I made a concoction of lettuce, spinach, cilantro, a few carrots, and some lemon juice.
Next time I will remember to only add a LITTLE cilantro and not three freaking stalks of it! Other than the overwhelming taste of cilantro (I do like cilantro, I've just never eaten it by itself and so am unaccustomed to the flavor) the juice isn't that bad. Just something to get used to drinking.

Also fund out that when they take your blood at the doc's office, they tell you "This will only pinch for a second." They lie. It pinched the whole time the nurse took blood from my arm, and for a good few minutes afterwards. I have a high pain tolerance, but I appreciate when people tell me straight up how long it will hurt/pinch/whatever. I have a lovely bruise on my arm and hopefully when they test my blood everything will be a-ok and the juice will even out my energy and we'll be right as rain!

If you'll excuse me, I have to go gag down another quarter glass of green stuff.