Sunday, April 15, 2012

One Year Later...

April 15

A year ago I woke up planning to get some schoolwork done and make sure that I had everything ready for my “senior prom” that would take place the next evening. I got onto facebook and started scanning through the statuses of my friends.
What I saw threw me for a loop.
“RIP Christian, you will be missed.”
Panic started to flood through me as I tried to find out what had happened. I only had one friend named Christian, and he was only 17 years old. I chatted with a friend from CYT(Christian Youth Theater) camp and found out what I had been dreading for a minute or two. Christian was dead, and no one knew why. He died in his sleep. I wanted to believe that this was all some sick joke that was happening. These types of things happened on the internet all the time, right?
Christian would have been voted “most likely to succeed.” He was a planner and had ambitions to become an event planner for large scale events. Like HUGE events. He was one of the most Christ-like people I’d ever known, he was so genuine that it was almost scary. But that was Christian, and as much as he might annoy you sometimes, he was cheery and positive and built others up.
I called my “Little Brother,” and talked on the phone until my mom came home from dropping my dad off at the train. Being the wonderful mother that she is, she agreed to let my Little Brother take me over to Bomba’s house and hang out for a while. My former boyfriend returned the voicemail message I left on his phone and agreed to come over to my house later that evening.
As Little Brother and I drove to Bomba’s house, it started raining and the song “Let the Rain” by Sara Barellis came on. At the time I thought it was rather fitting.
At Bomba’s house I was unable to cry, while she and Little Brother were both crying. I was frustrated because of my strange inability to cry. We found a CD that Bomba and a few other friend (including Chrisitian) had made while they were in a production of Pocahontas together. It was heartbreaking to hear his voice. I remember going to see that show and the look on his face when he realized I was sitting in the front row.
Mostly I was a comforter and numb observer during the time I spent at Bomba’s that afternoon.
I can’t remember most of what happened later that evening when my boyfriend came over, I think we watched a movie, but it was something that I’d seen a million times before so it didn’t leave an impression, I was also trying not to think ergo no memory of the movie. After the movie was over we listened to some music and I turned on the song "Caoineadh Cú Chulainn (Lament)" from Riverdance. It is one of the most beautiful and haunting songs ever. Within 5 seconds of that song turning on, I was a sobbing mess. I have no idea how long I was crying. 
I’d never lost a friend before, at least, no one so close to my age. The biggest blow I’d ever had was my Grandfather dying June 21st of 2010. That was hard enough to deal with (it still is). I know that I’ll see both of them in Heaven, and that’s a really big comfort. But if anyone told me that the day I found out about Christian’s death, I would have socked ‘em and told them to shut up. All I could think about was how we were all too young to have this happen. Christian was too young to be found dead in his room. I think he had an aneurism or something, I don't really think it matter what it was that killed him.

Last night I had a pretty bad sob-fest (which was partly due to today's significance). Today I've cried at least 3 times. It's hard for things to get easier. Mostly I think last night was due to many things piling up on top of each other. I tend to stuff my emotions down inside me until they decide to break out of their nice little boxes and wreak havoc.  

Even though he and I were close mostly during Jr. High, I still really miss that kid. I think of him every time I hear the song "Firework," or any of the songs that he sang for CYT camps. He set an example for all of us to live up to, and he set the bar high. 

I miss you Christian. "Well done, good and faithful servant."

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