Monday, November 28, 2011

College Applications

Ok God, I know you want me to dance.

I need Scholarships- huge ones. I don't want to go into debt. Even if I have to work my butt of during college, I don't want to go into debt.
I need to make the audition days. Most of them have days in February and March, so I'm safe until then.
I need a killer audition dance that will (hopefully) show off my best abilities.

God, I feel so small right now. I feel afraid. I know this is what you want me to do and where you want me to go, at least a general direction anyway.
You know how I hate giving up control. Well, I'm giving up control over where I go to college. If you want me at one of those schools, I'm sure funds will come about one way or another, I'll get my audition dance together and my applications will go though.

Once again, I can't do anything but trust in You.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Birthday, Swing Dancing, and Turkey Stuffing.

Even more than turkey, I love stuffing. We have a ton of leftovers from Thanksgiving, since my family hosted. So I'll be easting Thanksgiving leftovers for weeks! Not complaining though- I'm a pro at making several different dishes out of mashed potatoes. :-P

So my birthday was Tuesday. My family and I went down to the Art Institute. I love the Art Institute, I haven't been there for a while, but it's really cool! Of course, I'm one of those people who think going to museums is fun.
Best thing about the day- getting to see the Edgar Degas statue of "Little Dancer of Fourteen Years." The museum has the statue on loan. It's one of the things I wasn't sure if I'd ever see, so being able to view it was really awesome! They also had some ballet paintings of Degas', I love those paintings.
Afterwards we came home and my friend, The Doctor, came over. Most amusing gift I got, a t-shirt of a coffee cup with the phrase "1 up." :-)
I've actually been going without coffee for a week, and I have to say, it's been really easy. Most of my friends tease me about my "coffee addiction," but now without any withdrawal or cravings, I can confidently say I'm not dependent on coffee. HA!
Btw- I still love coffee, I'm still going to drink it, I just wanted to prove that I am not addicted to coffee.

Yesterday, I went swing dancing. I've honestly never had so much fun at a swing dance before.  Pretty much danced with tons of great partners, messed up a lot, but it was so much fun! Being able to dance with some of the "regulars" at the swing dance really makes me want to get better as a dancer.
There was actually one middle-aged guy, who was very good, who could tell that I had ballet and jazz training. He also told me to stop apologizing when I messed up. I felt a bit stiff and uncertain, he totally picked up on that too. Apparently this guy has been dancing for 12 years. After we finished dancing he told me to keep on going, and that I get better every single day. I told him I'm going to major in dance, and he said that it's a perfect choice for me. Really cool moment there.

So That's a summary of what's been going on lately. Now I'm stuffed to the gills with turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and vegetables. Time to catch up on TV shows on Hulu and get some writing done!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Happy Birthday Grandpa

Happy Birthday Grandpa,

I miss you. It's been a year and a half, but it seems longer.
We used to celebrate our birthdays together, yours was just one day before mine. I have a photo of us and our cake. I always felt special because our days were so close together.
I know I shouldn't be sad because you're not sick anymore, you won't forget things anymore, because you're home. It doesn't help much though some days.
Whenever I see an owl I think of you. Whenever I hear bagpipes I think of you.
Did you know that you were the only man who ever called me "beautiful" and I believed it when you said that?
Those three simple words, "Hey there, beautiful!" they meant the world to me to hear you say them.
Towards the end, I was afraid you would forget those words. You never did though.

I knew that you wouldn't have long after I talked to you for the last time on the phone. I was looking at that picture of us and said, "I'm going to miss you." I just knew it wouldn't be long. I hate it when I know things like that. I can't help it, I just know when things are going to happen sometimes. 
You died the next morning, Grandpa.

It would have been your birthday today. Nov 21st. It's been a year and a half, and I still have a hard time seeing your chair empty. I wish you could have seen my last CYT show, or heard about my big dreams of dancing. I wish I could hear your voice again. I know it's selfish, if you were here you'd still be sick and hurting. I'm sorry I'm so selfish right now. I was the first grandchild, I had you the longest. That's what missing someone does to you I guess.

I love you Grandpa.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I'm okay, except when I'm not.

Am I losing myself, or finding myself?
Alone and surrounded at the same time.
I feircely value my independence and strength, but my body fails me and I feel like my heart lays bloody in my hands.
I challenge others to push me away, when all I want is to be pulled close.
I cannot say what I really feel or think.
I procrastinate in my faith until my Bible lays dusty on my desk.
I told myself that this was the year I would seek God's love and not the love of men. This would be the year I would start my race, keep running for however long it may be until I am surprised to find a man running beside me. Where did that first month of clinging to God and trusting that I would make it through the day go? September was a hard month. I wasn't sure what to do with myself.
Then I see faces of my past. Faces that drag me down and question my choices. Faces that I blame for my own follies, when really I have no one to blame but myself.
There is a season for everything in life. I thought my season of wondering "why" was over. Just a few words and my "whys" are abounding.
To find that a friend is still struggling, and I cannot help them leaves me feeling helpless. I want to help all of my friends. So many of them struggle, I have been told so many of the same struggles from different people.
Suicidal thoughts or tendencies
Self loathing

Last night a friend teased me about my coffee habits. I thought nothing of it, joked around about it. This morning, I was so raw I started crying over one of my friends and the first thing I thought of was- I need coffee. How stupid is that, one cup of coffee a day gives me the emotional stamina to not break down? I haven't had a breakdown all fall. Guess who is going on a coffee fast for a week? Let's see how this effects me.
Last night a different friend asked me if I was okay. To be truthful, I wasn't, but I have having a good time in the moment and didn't want to say anything. So I say the lie so often said I believe it myself, "I'm fine."
Luckily this friend sees right through me. He made me promise that I'll be okay one day. I promised him that one day I will be okay.

I went to a dance last night and had a lot of fun. I went to dance. I really just wanted to dance and have a good time. I didn't think I would come out questioning myself.
Why am I so sure of myself when I am dancing, but not any other time?

Still, if you ask me if I'm okay, I'll say "I'm fine." or "I'm good." But tonight, I'm not. I'm sad and confused and mixed up and I want a hug- but not from any of you. You see, you all are human (as I reminded another friend recently). Your arms aren't right, you're too fat or too skinny, you smell weird, you're not tall enough or you're too short.
I'm sorry if I'm cold or distant or not animated enough, or too animated. When I laugh it sounds strange in my ears, I'm happy at the oddest of moments and unhappy when I shouldn't be. I'm mixed up.
I'm sorry if I say the wrong thing, or don't say what you need to hear. I want to get away from this place, but I want to stay.

All this, and I sprained my pinkie toe. Or bruised it. I'm fine.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


So I haven't posted for a little while, or maybe it just seems like that for me.

So what have I been doing? Well, a lot of school, had a girl's weekend up in the Dells (which was totally awesome), got really dizzy yesterday so had a sick day. Tonight I had my first night as an intern for Project Dance with CYT.

It was awesome, I love the kids in Project Dance (don't get mad for me calling you all kids, I love you guys). I can't wait to see what everyone accomplishes this year! I have homework for my internship too! I'm so excited for all of this.

Yeah so being so dizzy you can't go to class is not fun. That was me yesterday. When I was walking I felt lightheaded and I felt like I was on a boat. The floor kept moving. So I slept most of the day and watched movies whenever I was actually awake.
And I discover Legend of the Seeker on Hulu. Really interesting, but I only watched one episode because after that I fell asleep again because it was the wee hours of the morning. Oops.

College right now is easy. I have a feeling my paper will be a breeze, I'm already almost done with the rough draft and it'll probably  be done by tomorrow.

So as far as a quick update goes- that's all folks! (btw- is anyone else SUPER excited for the new Muppet Movie coming out? I know I am!)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I'll be Okay

A very close and dear friend, who I call my Little Brother, told me tonight "You're going to be okay, kid." Let's just say he's really into quoting stuff.
This is the guy who I've been friend with for four years, and from the beginning we've been super close. This is the guy who had pinpointed a few things about myself that I didn't even know.
No, we'll never be romantic. We're not the right type for each other in that way- we'd kill each other before a week went by. We'll always be siblings. We fight, we tease, we listen to each others problems.
Tonight I told him I was scared of settling. In the context of our conversation I meant settling when it comes to guys. In reality, I'm scared of settling in general.

So then, my little brother turns to me and says "What's the most common phrase in the Bible?"

"Fear not, for I am with you, declares the Lord."

Fear not. I have had so much fear inside me for years, and I slowly see my fears fading. Some of them might never go away. I hate living with the knowledge that there will always be some remnants of something niggling at me. Of course, maybe they just need time. I don't want to live with my fears forever. I want to be fearless.

I am not patient. I've never been patient. I know I need to work on patience. Dance is teaching me patience. I can see progress, even if it's not as fast as I'd like it to be. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm progressing even if it's not fast enough to suit my pace. I have to remind myself that I'm human, and people around me are human and we can't drop things at a whim and make things happen. Sometimes I have to wait. I have to wait a lot actually. Waiting can be hard. Too often I want the wonderful things now. But then I think, isn't the journey to those wonderful things what makes those things twice as sweet and wonderful when I receive them?

I had to wait a few months to start dance, and that was a lesson in patience that I hated. I hated how I felt like God was telling me that it's my time to start shinning, but I have to wait to start that journey until I can start lessons. ARG! We all know from my first few posts how hard that was.
It was worth it. Now I'm looking towards a time when I'll be dancing a lot during the week and I can't wait for it to kick in (pun intended)!

This year, I learn to surrender, trust in God, and not fret about when wonderful things will happen to me. They will happen. I will learn patience. I will not settle.

Little Brother, you were right. I am okay. And being Okay is an Okay place to be right now.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

New Studio!

For the first time in months, I'm debating going to class because I'm so tired.

Emotionally, physically, mentally, I'm tired. I smile involuntarily when I'm talking to people, not because I'm happy. Even if I'm complaining, I'm smiling (trying not to complain much, my life is too blessed to be cluttered with complaints). It's kind of funny because I said something about life being a little stressful, and someone said "But you're smiling!" to which I wittily replied, "Really?" I don't even recognize when I'm smiling anymore! I find this funny, does anyone else?
Physical tiredness is the easiest and hardest to deal with in my opinion. Easiest because, well, it's not being emotionally drained or mentally unable to compute things any longer. Hardest because trying to keep your eyes open when all you want to do is fall over is kind of difficult.
Mental tiredness? I actually suppose that this isn't one of my problems at the moment. I'm probably fine as far as my mental energy goes. I don't think I ever really run out of mental energy. Now if only I can figure out how to make that mental energy turn into physical energy...

So last night I found a new studio! This one has a pre-professional class for ages 18 and up. It was amazing! A bit further than the one I have been going to on Tuesday nights (30 minutes vs. 15), but I think it will be well worth it! The class is twice a week too! Tuesdays and Thursdays! I loved it and can't wait to go back!
The only problem now is that I'm so tired today that I'm wondering if going to class at the HugeStudio is a good idea. Granted, I did work for five hours yesterday, then go to an intense dance class, then get up for a 9AM class today. Will I cut myself slack?
Maybe I just will take Jazz and not Pilates today. Make up for it by stretching and doing some exercises at home. Take out a few Pilates DVDs from the library. That sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

Funny story from yesterday.
Got a visit from the Mayor of the town I live in at the shop I work at (Bath and Body Works). Totally didn't recognize her. One of those "I definitely should know who you are but I can't place you" moments. Of course, she was very nice and pleasant, read my name-tag and joked about loving sales tax. I kinda guessed that she was the mayor once she joked about the tax, but I still wasn't sure. So she left the store and my co-worker turns to me and says "You know who that was right?"
Once again, my witty remarks surface. "Um...I'm not sure."
Of course I felt a little embarrassed that I didn't recognize the mayor, but at least my co-worker was really nice about my little bought of forgetfulness. Now I will always recognize the mayor-of-the-town-I-live-in.