Friday, December 9, 2011

Christmas Season- BUSY BUSY BUSY


Ok, now that I've got THAT out of my system.
Goals of things to get done by the end of December-

Write College essays and gather apply to three or four colleges.
Finish Part 1 of my story and start part 2.
Pass my ASL final with flying colors. I will be most disappointed if I get a B. I haven't gotten a B except for maybe one quiz in this whole class! And before a certain person throws my own words back in my face- I will admit "a B is not a bad grade." This guitar player knows who they are, though I don't think they read my blog. I digress.

On the plus side- here is what's going to be happening during my December and this is why you may not hear from my for a while- or hear from me WAY too much!
Two Christmas Concerts
Two or three parties (probably more by the end of the month!)
Two swing dances
The possibility of ice skating (I just really want to go ice skating in December. It's on my unofficial bucket list).
I'm going to see the NUTCRACKER!!!! And not just the Nutcracker, but the Joffery Nutcracker!!!!

Let me explain: ever since I can remember, I have watched the PBS recording of the Joffery Ballet Nutcracker. I practically memorized the whole show and have wanted to see it for years. Now my dear friend UnassumingAzure and I will go attend a performance of this Christmas tradition! Words cannot express how excited I was to find tickets!!!

So anyway, right now I'm super busy/stressed/excited/etc. I'm also attempting to learn a Scottish accent?

Aye, I be an odd little lassie.

Until next posting!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Ance Obliterate!

Ahem. This is completely true.
Let's just say it's vanity, but acne is probably one of my biggest physical insecurities. I keep waiting for it to clear up, but thanks to genetics, I got some of my dad's better and worse traits.
I got his love of books and witty mind. I got his love of music and lots of other things, but I also got his very very very bad acne.

So what do I do after years of trying different things? I go see a different dermatologist. Yes, I have the tried diet, natural, topical, antibiotic, and not-really-doing-anything route. Nothing worked.

Now I have a regimen that I follow every morning and night to wash my face, and an antibiotic that I take every day! In a month my skin should be 25-30% better. Which means it should take about 4 months to be as close to 100% as I can get, assuming that everything goes smoothly and my hormones (nasty little buggers) don't decide to run a muck. They usually do though...darn them. Darn them to heck! Those wonderful little things that make you go gushy when you see a cute guy also make you break out in spots all over your face just in time for that important date! *Maniacal laugh, Maniacal laugh, Maniacal laugh!*
You know, I'd really just be happy if all the redness went away and my blackheads weren't so rampant all over my face...and the body acne would clear up. Because when you're a girl and you want to wear a tank top dress, you'd like your back, shoulders, and chest to be clear skinned. End of story.

For any of you who have not seen the new Muppet Move- GO SEE IT!!! I pretty much relived my childhood and fully intend to buy the movie when it comes out on DVD, and pay full price. Yes, it was such a good movie that I will actually BUY it.
Now, I'm going to go Tie up Jack Black and travel by map. ;)

Monday, November 28, 2011

College Applications

Ok God, I know you want me to dance.

I need Scholarships- huge ones. I don't want to go into debt. Even if I have to work my butt of during college, I don't want to go into debt.
I need to make the audition days. Most of them have days in February and March, so I'm safe until then.
I need a killer audition dance that will (hopefully) show off my best abilities.

God, I feel so small right now. I feel afraid. I know this is what you want me to do and where you want me to go, at least a general direction anyway.
You know how I hate giving up control. Well, I'm giving up control over where I go to college. If you want me at one of those schools, I'm sure funds will come about one way or another, I'll get my audition dance together and my applications will go though.

Once again, I can't do anything but trust in You.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Birthday, Swing Dancing, and Turkey Stuffing.

Even more than turkey, I love stuffing. We have a ton of leftovers from Thanksgiving, since my family hosted. So I'll be easting Thanksgiving leftovers for weeks! Not complaining though- I'm a pro at making several different dishes out of mashed potatoes. :-P

So my birthday was Tuesday. My family and I went down to the Art Institute. I love the Art Institute, I haven't been there for a while, but it's really cool! Of course, I'm one of those people who think going to museums is fun.
Best thing about the day- getting to see the Edgar Degas statue of "Little Dancer of Fourteen Years." The museum has the statue on loan. It's one of the things I wasn't sure if I'd ever see, so being able to view it was really awesome! They also had some ballet paintings of Degas', I love those paintings.
Afterwards we came home and my friend, The Doctor, came over. Most amusing gift I got, a t-shirt of a coffee cup with the phrase "1 up." :-)
I've actually been going without coffee for a week, and I have to say, it's been really easy. Most of my friends tease me about my "coffee addiction," but now without any withdrawal or cravings, I can confidently say I'm not dependent on coffee. HA!
Btw- I still love coffee, I'm still going to drink it, I just wanted to prove that I am not addicted to coffee.

Yesterday, I went swing dancing. I've honestly never had so much fun at a swing dance before.  Pretty much danced with tons of great partners, messed up a lot, but it was so much fun! Being able to dance with some of the "regulars" at the swing dance really makes me want to get better as a dancer.
There was actually one middle-aged guy, who was very good, who could tell that I had ballet and jazz training. He also told me to stop apologizing when I messed up. I felt a bit stiff and uncertain, he totally picked up on that too. Apparently this guy has been dancing for 12 years. After we finished dancing he told me to keep on going, and that I get better every single day. I told him I'm going to major in dance, and he said that it's a perfect choice for me. Really cool moment there.

So That's a summary of what's been going on lately. Now I'm stuffed to the gills with turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and vegetables. Time to catch up on TV shows on Hulu and get some writing done!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Happy Birthday Grandpa

Happy Birthday Grandpa,

I miss you. It's been a year and a half, but it seems longer.
We used to celebrate our birthdays together, yours was just one day before mine. I have a photo of us and our cake. I always felt special because our days were so close together.
I know I shouldn't be sad because you're not sick anymore, you won't forget things anymore, because you're home. It doesn't help much though some days.
Whenever I see an owl I think of you. Whenever I hear bagpipes I think of you.
Did you know that you were the only man who ever called me "beautiful" and I believed it when you said that?
Those three simple words, "Hey there, beautiful!" they meant the world to me to hear you say them.
Towards the end, I was afraid you would forget those words. You never did though.

I knew that you wouldn't have long after I talked to you for the last time on the phone. I was looking at that picture of us and said, "I'm going to miss you." I just knew it wouldn't be long. I hate it when I know things like that. I can't help it, I just know when things are going to happen sometimes. 
You died the next morning, Grandpa.

It would have been your birthday today. Nov 21st. It's been a year and a half, and I still have a hard time seeing your chair empty. I wish you could have seen my last CYT show, or heard about my big dreams of dancing. I wish I could hear your voice again. I know it's selfish, if you were here you'd still be sick and hurting. I'm sorry I'm so selfish right now. I was the first grandchild, I had you the longest. That's what missing someone does to you I guess.

I love you Grandpa.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I'm okay, except when I'm not.

Am I losing myself, or finding myself?
Alone and surrounded at the same time.
I feircely value my independence and strength, but my body fails me and I feel like my heart lays bloody in my hands.
I challenge others to push me away, when all I want is to be pulled close.
I cannot say what I really feel or think.
I procrastinate in my faith until my Bible lays dusty on my desk.
I told myself that this was the year I would seek God's love and not the love of men. This would be the year I would start my race, keep running for however long it may be until I am surprised to find a man running beside me. Where did that first month of clinging to God and trusting that I would make it through the day go? September was a hard month. I wasn't sure what to do with myself.
Then I see faces of my past. Faces that drag me down and question my choices. Faces that I blame for my own follies, when really I have no one to blame but myself.
There is a season for everything in life. I thought my season of wondering "why" was over. Just a few words and my "whys" are abounding.
To find that a friend is still struggling, and I cannot help them leaves me feeling helpless. I want to help all of my friends. So many of them struggle, I have been told so many of the same struggles from different people.
Suicidal thoughts or tendencies
Self loathing

Last night a friend teased me about my coffee habits. I thought nothing of it, joked around about it. This morning, I was so raw I started crying over one of my friends and the first thing I thought of was- I need coffee. How stupid is that, one cup of coffee a day gives me the emotional stamina to not break down? I haven't had a breakdown all fall. Guess who is going on a coffee fast for a week? Let's see how this effects me.
Last night a different friend asked me if I was okay. To be truthful, I wasn't, but I have having a good time in the moment and didn't want to say anything. So I say the lie so often said I believe it myself, "I'm fine."
Luckily this friend sees right through me. He made me promise that I'll be okay one day. I promised him that one day I will be okay.

I went to a dance last night and had a lot of fun. I went to dance. I really just wanted to dance and have a good time. I didn't think I would come out questioning myself.
Why am I so sure of myself when I am dancing, but not any other time?

Still, if you ask me if I'm okay, I'll say "I'm fine." or "I'm good." But tonight, I'm not. I'm sad and confused and mixed up and I want a hug- but not from any of you. You see, you all are human (as I reminded another friend recently). Your arms aren't right, you're too fat or too skinny, you smell weird, you're not tall enough or you're too short.
I'm sorry if I'm cold or distant or not animated enough, or too animated. When I laugh it sounds strange in my ears, I'm happy at the oddest of moments and unhappy when I shouldn't be. I'm mixed up.
I'm sorry if I say the wrong thing, or don't say what you need to hear. I want to get away from this place, but I want to stay.

All this, and I sprained my pinkie toe. Or bruised it. I'm fine.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


So I haven't posted for a little while, or maybe it just seems like that for me.

So what have I been doing? Well, a lot of school, had a girl's weekend up in the Dells (which was totally awesome), got really dizzy yesterday so had a sick day. Tonight I had my first night as an intern for Project Dance with CYT.

It was awesome, I love the kids in Project Dance (don't get mad for me calling you all kids, I love you guys). I can't wait to see what everyone accomplishes this year! I have homework for my internship too! I'm so excited for all of this.

Yeah so being so dizzy you can't go to class is not fun. That was me yesterday. When I was walking I felt lightheaded and I felt like I was on a boat. The floor kept moving. So I slept most of the day and watched movies whenever I was actually awake.
And I discover Legend of the Seeker on Hulu. Really interesting, but I only watched one episode because after that I fell asleep again because it was the wee hours of the morning. Oops.

College right now is easy. I have a feeling my paper will be a breeze, I'm already almost done with the rough draft and it'll probably  be done by tomorrow.

So as far as a quick update goes- that's all folks! (btw- is anyone else SUPER excited for the new Muppet Movie coming out? I know I am!)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I'll be Okay

A very close and dear friend, who I call my Little Brother, told me tonight "You're going to be okay, kid." Let's just say he's really into quoting stuff.
This is the guy who I've been friend with for four years, and from the beginning we've been super close. This is the guy who had pinpointed a few things about myself that I didn't even know.
No, we'll never be romantic. We're not the right type for each other in that way- we'd kill each other before a week went by. We'll always be siblings. We fight, we tease, we listen to each others problems.
Tonight I told him I was scared of settling. In the context of our conversation I meant settling when it comes to guys. In reality, I'm scared of settling in general.

So then, my little brother turns to me and says "What's the most common phrase in the Bible?"

"Fear not, for I am with you, declares the Lord."

Fear not. I have had so much fear inside me for years, and I slowly see my fears fading. Some of them might never go away. I hate living with the knowledge that there will always be some remnants of something niggling at me. Of course, maybe they just need time. I don't want to live with my fears forever. I want to be fearless.

I am not patient. I've never been patient. I know I need to work on patience. Dance is teaching me patience. I can see progress, even if it's not as fast as I'd like it to be. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm progressing even if it's not fast enough to suit my pace. I have to remind myself that I'm human, and people around me are human and we can't drop things at a whim and make things happen. Sometimes I have to wait. I have to wait a lot actually. Waiting can be hard. Too often I want the wonderful things now. But then I think, isn't the journey to those wonderful things what makes those things twice as sweet and wonderful when I receive them?

I had to wait a few months to start dance, and that was a lesson in patience that I hated. I hated how I felt like God was telling me that it's my time to start shinning, but I have to wait to start that journey until I can start lessons. ARG! We all know from my first few posts how hard that was.
It was worth it. Now I'm looking towards a time when I'll be dancing a lot during the week and I can't wait for it to kick in (pun intended)!

This year, I learn to surrender, trust in God, and not fret about when wonderful things will happen to me. They will happen. I will learn patience. I will not settle.

Little Brother, you were right. I am okay. And being Okay is an Okay place to be right now.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

New Studio!

For the first time in months, I'm debating going to class because I'm so tired.

Emotionally, physically, mentally, I'm tired. I smile involuntarily when I'm talking to people, not because I'm happy. Even if I'm complaining, I'm smiling (trying not to complain much, my life is too blessed to be cluttered with complaints). It's kind of funny because I said something about life being a little stressful, and someone said "But you're smiling!" to which I wittily replied, "Really?" I don't even recognize when I'm smiling anymore! I find this funny, does anyone else?
Physical tiredness is the easiest and hardest to deal with in my opinion. Easiest because, well, it's not being emotionally drained or mentally unable to compute things any longer. Hardest because trying to keep your eyes open when all you want to do is fall over is kind of difficult.
Mental tiredness? I actually suppose that this isn't one of my problems at the moment. I'm probably fine as far as my mental energy goes. I don't think I ever really run out of mental energy. Now if only I can figure out how to make that mental energy turn into physical energy...

So last night I found a new studio! This one has a pre-professional class for ages 18 and up. It was amazing! A bit further than the one I have been going to on Tuesday nights (30 minutes vs. 15), but I think it will be well worth it! The class is twice a week too! Tuesdays and Thursdays! I loved it and can't wait to go back!
The only problem now is that I'm so tired today that I'm wondering if going to class at the HugeStudio is a good idea. Granted, I did work for five hours yesterday, then go to an intense dance class, then get up for a 9AM class today. Will I cut myself slack?
Maybe I just will take Jazz and not Pilates today. Make up for it by stretching and doing some exercises at home. Take out a few Pilates DVDs from the library. That sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

Funny story from yesterday.
Got a visit from the Mayor of the town I live in at the shop I work at (Bath and Body Works). Totally didn't recognize her. One of those "I definitely should know who you are but I can't place you" moments. Of course, she was very nice and pleasant, read my name-tag and joked about loving sales tax. I kinda guessed that she was the mayor once she joked about the tax, but I still wasn't sure. So she left the store and my co-worker turns to me and says "You know who that was right?"
Once again, my witty remarks surface. "Um...I'm not sure."
Of course I felt a little embarrassed that I didn't recognize the mayor, but at least my co-worker was really nice about my little bought of forgetfulness. Now I will always recognize the mayor-of-the-town-I-live-in.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Writer's Block?

Or am I just too dang tired to write right now?
Maybe a combination of both!

I want to write, I really do, I really want to make progress on my story that never ends (or gets a full rough draft, my poor characters are going stir crazy)! Things just keep getting in the homework...or amusing internet sites...or procrastination.

Actually I've been pretty faithful about my writing habits except for this last week. Of course, it's taken me forever to figure out how I want to actually write my story, but once I figured that out it was off to the races!
Until the unevitable happened.

The dreaded Writer's Block.

I'm a girl trying to write a chapter about girl bonding. I'm a girl who isn't good at writing about girly stuff. Like flowers and boy talk and romance and clothes. I can write about greatly detailed costume changes, but not about two girls talking about clothes. Or recipes, or anything of that superficial sort that we girls bond over. Supposedly.
I don't think I've ever actually "bonded" that way. I talk about books and politics and movies and history. Yes I talk about clothes and boys and what clothes boys wear (guys look good in pirate shirts- just saying), but it's not the foremost thing that I've really bonded with my closest friends over.

So maybe I need to find another topic, a common experience or pain that my characters share. Proven fact, readers are gripped when your character goes through something painful.
Case and Point- The Hunger Games. Fantastic books. I loved each one of them. What's the main thing that happens throughout the plot? The main character Katniss Everdeen (K.E.- Like me! haha) goes through one painful (whether emotional or physical) trail after the other. She gets scared and scarred, she is tough and lasts through it. She has breakdowns and needs comforting. What else is so gripping than being knocked down but surviving despite the odds?
By the Way- I love the Hunger Games, those books are a great work of young adult fiction. I thought that because of the hype that it might be just another Twilight cult classic, but this book is a lot deeper than a klutz with a taste for cold dead guys. Although- when I need a good dose of fluff, to Twilight I turn! 

Maybe my characters are a little to comfortable right now. Maybe I need to dredge up an old pain. (insert evil manic laughter). Oh let's just see what happens shall we?

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Family History

I always knew that my Great-Grandparents (parents of my grandmother) both came from Germany, met in America, got married, and then went back to Germany. There they saw what Hitler was doing and figured out he was bad new, they got on one of the last boats back to America before the ports were closed.
What I didn't know was that while they were back in Germany, my Great-Gandfather voiced his opinion about how he didn't like what Hitler was doing. A Hitler-Youth group decided to go beat up my great-grandparents, but fortunately they got wind of the plan and hid in a nearby forest. They decided that they couldn't stay, and got on one of the last boats out of the country.

I found this out today when my Nana took me out to Breakfast. I learned things about her that I never knew before. I know she was born in 1935, the middle of the Great Depression. After she graduated college, she went on a tour of Europe (10 countries!!!!) and visited with family in Germany. Her father had died only a couple weeks before she graduated, but her mother urged her to go on the tour and have fun. My Nana also went with my Aunt to New Zealand!
Needless to say- I learned a lot more about my Nana that I didn't know before. I love talking to her about what her life is like. I'm going to have to talk to her more often.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


Hi-Ho! It's off to work we go!

So work was really busy and I enjoyed myself. I love the ladies I work with. Really, they are so kind and it's such a good work environment. Blessing from God!
Apparently someone got a full time job and can only work weekends now, and gave no notice...oops. So that means I get more hours this week! Working a lot on Friday after-hours. 4-11pm. 

Shout out to my "sister" HumbleIndigo for finding me! While her name on these boards might be UnassumingAzure (Those are other meanings of the words Humble and Indigo for those of you who didn't catch that), I call her Freyy. Have done so for YEARS, and can't break the habit. Plus, Freyy is a lot easier to type out. Anyway- she's amazing and I love her so much! My big sister in so many ways.
Thank goodness I have Freyy to critique my writing, and the Doctor to be a sounding board/advisory on magic in my little make-believe world. What would I do if I didn't have nerdy amazing friends?

Anyway- I have to go finish the "rough draft" of my Source Evaluation Paper. Backwards it spells- Pure Evil Source-of-headache. :P

Monday, October 24, 2011

Crazy Time!

Maybe I shouldn't have called into work saying I could take a shift tomorrow night....
First of all, I'm working tomorrow from 10-1pm. Then I go home, do homework, eat lunch and pack a "Dinner." and then go BACK to work from 5-8:30.
Then I get to rush my butt over to dance class and pretend to be co-ordinated for a while.
By Friday I have a "evualuation of sources" paper due...I can't write much of it on Wednesday, because I'm taking dance and am gone from 3pm-10pm at night. I could stay up really late Wednesday and work all day Thursday. Can't do it thursady night because I want to go to a friend in a show, and I can't see it any other night except Thursday. Why? I'm working Friday, at a theater all day Saturday, then on Sunday I have to work again from 4:45-MIDNIGHT!!!
I really should have called in an said that I couldn't do the shift. Instead I'm thinking about how much I need the money so I can pay for another dance class, and pay for a girl's weekend trip, and pay for a dance I want to go to, and pay for the dress I'll need to buy, and pay for my coffee habits.
Arg, I think I've gotta skip dance tomorrow night and work on my stupid assignment.

I hate having to skip dance class!!!! Fastest way to tick me off. Oh well, it's my own fault. The need of funds vs the passion of dance. Need of funds won out this time (or maybe, the need for a good grade).

To be continued...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Black Swans, Strong Queens, and Bus Rides

So...I'm kind of using the BNRC for movies and music too. Movie Nook Review Corner just sounds weird. So The BookNookReviewCorner is branching out!

Movie- Black Swan
Major actors- Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Vincent Cassel
Rated- R
My rating? One pen  \, \, \, \, \,

As a dancer, I was really looking forward to fantastic cinematic dance sequences and a really good physiological thriller.
The dance sequences were very disappointing. I know that the stars in the movie haven't had year of training that you need to make the dances look good, but these dance scenes were just disappointing. The camera was swirling around the actors whenever they danced so you felt like you were on a merry-go-round and couldn't actually see the dancing.
The "Thriller" part of the movie was weak too. The characters felt really phony and shallow and the motives didn't feel well portrayed. Plus, you never really could tell what was going on with Mila Kunis' character...
My two BIGGEST beefs were actually the lack of good time lapses. I couldn't tell that a couple weeks had gone by between the time Nina had been chosen for the swan, and the night of performance. It felt like a few days. That's not logical.
Also- SO MANY ballet stereotypes!!! Over the top stereotypes! Most ballerinas don't wear their hair in a bun all the time! Usually they just put it up for class. Nor do dancers start stripping off all of their warm ups when the director walks in the room at the beginning of class (found this out by reading a couple dance blogs).
Overall- cool make-up and costumes. That's about it.

On the other hand- I have a great book review!

A Reluctant Queen: the love story of Esther by Joan Wolf.
Rating- Four Pens! \,\,\,\,\,

Loved this book! Esther is one of my favorite of the women of the Bible. I love her story and always go back to reading her story.
This book really brought to the life the time that Esther lived in. She was much more real than I expected when I started the book. Also, the king was really well written. I would most definitely recommend this to anyone. I'm not a huge chick-flick romance person, but this is not a chick-flick romance. The book doesn't just focus on Esther, but also on the king (who's name I can't pronounce) and the politics of the day. Personally, I found that really interesting. The author made her characters have motives and emotions that made them into interesting people. I even understood why Haman acted the way he did. The author made him a person, not just a mustache twirling villain. Esther got angry with Mordecai, which I had never considered before.
I wish there had been a little more to the book. Things seemed to move pretty quickly, but I enjoyed it and it was a fantastic retelling of the story of Esther in 375 pages.

On a completely unrelated note- I took the bus by myself in pouring rain yesterday! My jeans got totally SOAKED on the way back to the train from the Huge Studio! I was freezing, but I love going to dance on Wednesday. I wish I had more time (and money) to dance. I would love to add on a bar class and some tap. Right now I'm taking Pilates to help a hip injury that's been plaguing me for a while, and it's KILLER. I love it! It helps so much! Hopefully I can start taking ballet again soon. Can't take both because they are at the same time. Praying that I find a Pilates studio closer to home. 
That's about all that I can think of. I hope I'm doing a good job of keeping this blog up.

_Until next post_

Monday, October 17, 2011

B.N.R.C. aka the BookNookReviewCorner

The first Book Review!!!

Ok, so not exactly a SUPER AMAZING AWESOME book to start off the BookNookReviewCorner (For all you nutty vocabulary people yes I DID just use two words to describe where two walls meet each other), but it was a decent bit of fluff with actually some substance. So not cotton candy, but not a good steak dinner either.
btw- Lord of the Rings is a steak dinner, like a major steak dinner with a load of mashed potatoes (boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew!) and a heaping of greens with a volcano of gravy....
Dang it. Now I want to post about food.

Anyway back to the book!

Ophelia by Lisa Klein. 
I'd give this book Three Pens out of Five! \,\,\,\,\, (yes those are supposed to be pens, use your imagination!)

Yes boys, you won't want to read this, it qualifies as a chick book.
The story of Ophelia, Hamlet's girlfriend. In Shakespeare's tragic play Hamlet, Ophelia dies of madness by drowning herself. I actually quite like the whole insane-pathetic-but-slightly-prophetic-with-flower-symbolism deal she has going on in the play. This brought a whole new side of determination and velvet covered iron to her that I had never seen before. No this is not a feminist book. Ophelia just has a lot more...well...character.
Did I mention that Hamlet and Ophelia get married in this book? Oh yeah, that puts a whole new spin on things.
Ophelia is clever, skilled with herbs and healing, knows a lot of romance, but has no practical experience (For some of the book. I mean, well, she DOES get married).  She's got a lot more strength in her than she thinks and ends up kinda the way I predicted. I won't spoil the ending, although it's very chick flick.
Was the book a little slow at points? Maybe once or twice. Was it a leisurely read? Yes it was. Did I enjoy it? Well, it was a LOT better than Twilight, but I don't think it will make my bookshelf- but I might check it out from the Library once or twice more to re-read certain parts.
The book was well written and DIDN'T use modern day language.

Coming up in the BookNookReviewCorner- The Theatre Illuminata Trilogy part 1- Eyes like Stars
"I always walked the ragged edge." Or, in which you meet ME in book form.
I promise you intense hair color, dashing pirates, starving fairies, and a very persuasive air spirit!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Dear Christian

Dear Christian,

I miss you. I know you're up in Heaven and doing amazing things. Still, down here, I miss you a lot. Last week my friend said your name really excitedly at church- and I turned around looking for you before I realized you weren't going to be there. My heart cracked again once I realized she wasn't talking about you.
I remember waking up the morning they found you dead. I remember trying desperately to get a hold of someone, anyone, who could tell me what was going on. I remember accusing someone of joking even though I knew what they said was true.
I know it was your time to go home. You had helped so many people and were a blessing everywhere. Did I feel that way about you all the time? No, of course not. Sometimes I did get annoyed at you. Still, you were always supportive of whatever I told you about my life or dreams.
We were super good friends during Jr. High. All of us were crazy back then. We're still crazy- just not as out there about it. I remember you taking pictures of me for you school project and people asked if I was your girlfriend. I laughed really hard because I didn't really even think about dating back then.
Here's to pausing and remembering how you changed the life of anyone who ever knew you. I miss you terribly. I know you're doing great things and I'll see you one day again. Right now though, that day seems so far away. You'll always be in my heart. I will always be influenced by your example.

Monday, October 10, 2011

While sleep eludes me and my mood plumets.

For some reason my body has decided that I don't need sleep.
Excuse me while I go have a talk with myself about how I DO NOT FUNCTION WELL WITHOUT SLEEP!!! Or coffee, but that's another story.

Let's see, four hours tops last night, four hours previous the night before, and one night of goodness know how many hours (not more than 5) the night before that.
Did I mention I've been going non-stop for the past week? Yeah, there's a reason I drink coffee in the mornings. I'm just not coherent otherwise. I do not like the dependency, but the alternative is to be seriously irritable, brain dead, and emotionally unstable.
Coffee is my emotional pacifier. Seriously, I know this to be true. When my grandfather died, I drank coffee and was able to cope through that whole week without seriously losing it. When my friend Christian died at age 17, I got coffee and I was able to at least get a grip. When college started and I was petrified, lonely, and down in the dumps- you guessed it- coffee made sure I didn't have a mental breakdown.

I am noticing a pattern here. Let's see, I lose my grandfather and a friend within a year of each other, have serious upheaval in my life (aka "college"), and have not had a serious overwhelming breakdown. Is this good or bad? Am I just surviving, or thriving?

If you guessed surviving- you get the satisfaction of knowing that you are CORRECT!
I have got to get some sleep and stop being sarcastic. Or just drink a truckload of coffee.

In everything- praise God, even when you feel like you might snap at any second.
Thank you God that I have enough food that I can pick and choose which unhealthy overly sugared candy bar I will eat during ASL break.
Thank you for friends who laugh at my tiredness and cut me slack for being so horrible right now.
Thank you for Dance
Thank you for giving me COFFEE!!!
Thank you for granting me grace
And strength
And patience
And understanding
Thanks for being my anchor.
Thank you for never giving up on me.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Tired but happy.

This week has been one of many ups and downs, but the ups made up for all the downs!
And I am extremely tired. Let's hope this post isn't rubbish.

This past Wednesday I went to the "Huge Studio" as I will nickname it for the internet. Best night of my life! I'm only in the Beg/Intermediate level, but I was challenged and learned so much, just in two classes! Each class is an hour and half and I had two of them back to back. Three hours in the most freeing experience I've had! Really, dancing makes me let go of everything else. I was nervous on my way to the studio and before class, but once classes started, I felt completely at peace. Everything just seemed to come naturally- or as naturally as it can when you're trying to keep up with a very good dance class/instructor. Everyone in my class was at least a couple years older than I was, or very near my age. One of the women had to be in her 60s, but she was keeping up just fine!
For the first time in my life- I didn't feel like I had to live up to anyone's expectations, compete with younger dancers to be as good as them because I was older, or feel like I was doing badly because I can't lift my legs as high as some of the others. I recently read a quote from a dancer that said something like "You're not there for anyone but yourself." I've been trying to apply that to my own life in dance class. I'm in class to better myself and further myself along in my dance path. If I can help someone else along the way- that'd be great, but I'm not in class to compare myself to anyone. I'm not there to prove that I belong there, because I know I belong there.
I can't really describe it in any other way that would make sense. I came home Wednesday night and the only way I could describe it was "amazing- just amazing!" It was like God was whispering in my ear "This is where you belong." I was almost in tears because I was so happy and in awe of how God has been working in my life.
On Friday I tried out the dance company at my community college. They have a nice poms team group there, but it is not the type of dance that I am looking for. Cheeleading and Pom Squad are great for some people, but those styles have never been "my thing." Also, the conversation I heard prior to "class" wasn't the most encouraging. To seal the deal, throughout the time I spent visiting the class I could tell that that wasn't the place God wanted me to be, so I left early because I had a lot to do on Friday. That's fine though! I'm going to be dancing at least 7-8 hours a week soon. To me, it doesn't seem enough. Now when I dance, I don't want to stop. I just want to push and push and keep going and going and going. I suppose I need to remember what will happen if I push too hard. I don't want to hurt myself, but I want to be dancing as much as I can.
Something else I am excited about- I have an internship for Project Dance! I've been wanting to intern for the program that helped me to this path and have a chance to give back. Now I've got that chance and can't wait for PD to start!
God has definitely been blessing me abundantly this week. Even in my few troubles this week (mostly with an annoying school assignment and very little sleep this week- I'm so exhausted) it hasn't been as hard as some of the previous weeks. Like I said a little while back- I can cope with everything SO much better when I am dancing.

"I will believe that what God has placed inside me is superior to the mountains that stand in my way."

No clue who said that quote. It's from a book I got for graduation called "Dance while you can." It's filled with quotes (though no references as to who said them).

Until something else I need to post about happens!


Tuesday, September 27, 2011


So this title sounds slightly odd yes? Well, I shall explain.
Usually to "re-purpose" something means to change something to suit another purpose. Like turning a flashlight into a lighter. Or a flower pot into a pencil cup.

I instead take the word and use it to describe a re-focusing. Realizing something and believe that this is your purpose.

Maybe I should explain more...

Yesterday I was freaking out about going to ______ dance school (insert name of dance school here- ask me if you don't know it yet :-p). I mean, I've never gone to a professional dance studio and taken class before. It's super intimidating. I'm going there Wednesday and I've been freaking out since Sunday. I've known that this is where I need to go, and dancing is something I need to do, but it's still a really scary thing.
So last night, I get home from school (thank you night classes!) and on my desk is the DVD from my dance camp where I figured out I needed to be dancing.

So I pop in the DVD and watch the performance. I almost start crying. It was like God was tapping me on the shoulder saying "See, you can do this!" I was watching myself and thinking about how- with a few months of training, I could get so much better, and I wasn't bad at all in the DVD. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate watching myself perform. I'm HYPER critical of myself in any type of performance. So, the fact that I couldn't come up with any super huge critique- is BIG.

I guess you could say last night I renewed my affirmation that I need to go to _______ dance studio. I'm still kinda scared and nervous, but who wouldn't be? I'm sure that it's going to be okay. Now if I can keep up with work, school, and dance (not necessarily in that order). The eternal quest to keep afloat in the sea of life. Thank goodness God is my navigator.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I know where my legs are...

If dance does anything- it makes your aware of your body.

I am VERY aware that I have hamstrings right now. Ouch...sore legs. It's really weird, but I love the feeling of being sore after a class. It means that I have worked hard and am getting somewhere. I love sweating during a really intense dance class.
Let's just say that I sweat a LOT last night.
Let's also make a point clear- I don't sweat a lot. Barely at all. I can be playing a full out game of football (soccer) or ultimate Frisbee and never even break a sweat. But put me in a dance class and I come out dripping. It's gross, but it's awesome at the same time!  I know I'm weird, so's everyone else in this world.

The dance class last night was really tough. Of course the other girls in the class at between the ages of 11-13 and they are all rubber bands. They just are able to spring and stretch like they were born that way. They also messed up quite a lot and had a lot to work on, just like me.
However- I remembered a quote by a professional ballet dancer. "You are there for no one but yourself." It's true too. I'm in dance class to work on MY technique, MY flexibility, MY dancing. Yeah so I can't do an illusion with a perfect split, but at least I can get my leg up there. No, I can't do a fire-bird with my foot touching the back of my head, but I will one day.  I'm not in class to compare myself to five little rubber-bandy girls who have been dancing since the day they were born. I'm there to improve myself and get myself where I want to go.
I realized last night during class just how much work I'm going to need to do to get to the place that I want to be at. Hopefully I'll be dancing four days a week, for 8 hours. 8 hours of dance as a starting point in a LOT. But when you think about it in the grand scheme of things- if you are dancing professionally, you are dancing every day for hours. You have classes, practices, rehearsals, and performances. Then, 8 hours looks like a week off.
It will be a starting point. A good one, I think. Hopefully it's the starting point I need to get a kickoff into my dance journey. Next step- going to "dance bootcamp" on Thursday. Workout, core training, and flexibility training. Oh yeah, I'll be hobbling on Friday.
And yes, I will love it.

Monday, September 19, 2011



As of TOMORROW I will start my next step in my dance journey! Tomorrow I get to go to a dance class at a studio near my house and try out a class because I have a "free class" card. It's a progressions and turns and leaps class. Something fun- you know?

Then next wednesday-
I have English from 9-10
Work from 11-3
Then I hop on the train and go into the city and attend the studio I have wanted to attend for months now! Two classes, one night, four hours of complete DANCE!!!!

I'm going to be SO tired. Luckily, I don't have to work the next day until one in the afternoon!!!

This is what is keeping me going this week. Last week it was really hard to keep my chin up. I almost broke down a couple times. No tears yet. In four weeks of a very stressed out me, not a single tear! Thank God, I have amazing friends who are always there for me and know how to cheer me up just by being there and spending time talking to me. So to all of you who hugged me, talked to me, let me listen to you talk about your life, listened to me talk about my lack of life, whatever- thank you. You all mean the world to me.


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Doctor Who

So anyone who knows me besides knowing that I love dance- should probably know that I love Doctor Who. Old series, new series, doesn't matter. I think the TV show is BRILLIANT! FANTASTIC! GERONIMO!
Also- loving the CD Still Got Legs (genre of Time Lord Rock- look it up!)

Doctor Who never ceases to give me inspiration and I (confession) often daydream about being swept away to the stars in a certain blue TARDIS. Just me, maybe a friend or two, and the Doctor. No, I wouldn't fall in love with him, but we'd be great friends. Have larks and laughs and eat weird combinations of food- like pickles and ice cream or fish fingers and custard. He might not look like David Tennant, Tom Baker, or Matt Smith, but he'd be fantastic. He might even be GINGER! He'd drive me nuts, but we'd laugh so much and I'd live for the running. A lot of running. Maybe one day he'd trust me with the sonic screwdriver. I'd be scared out of my wits sometimes, but I'd work past it all. Why? Because everyone is like that when they are with the Doctor.
Then one day- after a very long time, we'd part ways and I'd have to say goodbye. We'd be terribly sad, but both of us know that I'm human and I can't keep running and traveling and having fantastic times with the Doctor forever. I'd ask him to say goodbye for real, just so I wouldn't be waiting around forever for him to come back- like Wendy with Peter Pan. In a way- the Doctor is a kind of Peter Pan. He wouldn't forget me though, the Doctor doesn't forget people.
At least I'll never have to part ways with the TV show.

I wish I knew his real name...Does anyone know his real name?

Monday, September 12, 2011


Ever have a sense that you're just hanging in Limbo?

Really, I just needed a good title for this entry. Try keeping up a blog when you've got nothing to write about! Expect for the fact that I actually enjoyed myself for a fraction of my weekend. Saturday was awesome random wandering around with some great friends who I haven't hung out with for a WHILE!

Best Friends are amazing. I love mine. She's awesome and like a sister to me. One of the few people I can actually say will never judge me or think worse of me no matter what I do (not that I'm planning on doing anything anyway). Most of the time she totally gets what I'm talking about, even if I can't come up with the word for it. I'm eternally grateful to have her. Besides- who else would freak out over how amazing Munkustrap and Rum Tum Tugger are in CATS?

Oh yes, I'm one of THOSE people. Mwahaha!

Frustration of the week- Found out I was writing my novel WRONG!

Elation of the week- Figured out how to write my story CORRECTLY!

Still not at dance class...argargarg...let me gnaw off my leg with frustration. Except that, if i chew my leg off I can't to take anger out on soft pillow with lots of hugging.
I like hugs. I used to hate hugs, now I love them! But you can't hug halfway, you gotta really hug someone if you want to hug them. Who knows if it's the last hug that person will get? Don't you want it to be a good one?

Yeap, it's official. I'm crazy when running on caffeine and low sleep. I better go nap, or drink more coffee.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

Managing, Merging, Adjusting

Finally, I have found a studio.
Finally I will start dance again.
When? I don't know, ASAP!!!
Other than the hope that my dance life will soon be taking an upturn (really though, anything would be an improvement over not dancing), life's pretty much the same. Still learning to cope with lack of social interaction and plenty of school and almost too much work. God's getting me through this, though not much else is. Most of the time I'm frustrated, stressed, and restless. I NEED DANCE! (see below post for elaboration)

This weekend I went up to the Bristol Renaissance Faire with two friends. I've been going to the Ren Faire since I was a wee tot (short for toddler jsyk). it's kinda like my second home in a weird sort of way. I can joke and trade commentary, or friendly insults, with pretty much anyone bold enough to try and make conversation with me. I can sit among Queen Elizabeth's court and talk to the nobility and catch a glimpse of the visiting French Prince. Poor thing, he thinks he's going to go home with a wife. Well, we all know how THAT ended!
They have these amazing Fairies at the Faire. Oberon among them. Yesterday I wore my elf ears and he noticed them. His eyes lit up and he touched his ear, a quizzical look in his eye. I touched my ear in response and nodded, respectfully bowing my head to the King of the Fey. I live for moments like those.

I bought a puzzle ring and have been taking it apart and putting it back together obsessively. The story is entertaining. The puzzle ring originated when the Sultan wanted a way to keep tabs on his wives (since he had over 100) and see how faithful they were. He gave them these rings, saying that they were the royal ring and should never be taken off. Of course, some of the wives decided to play hookey (because you can't really have much of a romantic relationship with your husband when he's got 100 other girls to kiss!) and left the ring at home while they snuck out to go clubbing with the cute city boys who were MUCH handsomer than the fat old Sultan!
Okay- so they didn't go clubbing, but you get the idea!
Anyway, these queens came home and found their rings undone and couldn't figure out how to put the puzzle back together. So they decided to go "persuade" the royal jeweler to help them.
Cute story...but once the jeweler taught one of them the trick, what's to stop them from assembling the rings themselves over and over again? That sultan was not very bright...
The fact that I can put my ring back together in under fifteen seconds says something about this puzzle. Although, I couldn't figure it out until the guy told me how to put it back together. I was REALLY close though!

Finally- a Cheery Post! Well, sort of. Cheeriest one yet.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Welcome to the World....Reality Check.

Let's see....working two jobs. Part time college student who does homework. No scheduled social interaction each week. No dance class (currently).
Yeah, I'm drowning.

It's not really the fact that I don't see my friends anymore. Or talk to them much, because I don't count texting as a "real" form of communication. You can't hear the person's voice, see their expression, or anything. Skype and talking on the phone are okay. I don't mind those. At least with the phone you can hear the other person's voice and explain long stories. Skype is even better because you can SEE the person. IN PERSON is the best. Letters are great too. Get a handwritten letter and you will be happy for a week. Or at least I will.
But having to rely on Facebook and texting? It's pathetic. I get one text from my best friend and it makes my day....does anyone else see what's wrong with this picture?

College isn't so hard. At least, I love my classes and my professors are great. I have to revise a paper I hand wrote into a five paragraph essay (typed in the computer lab tomorrow). Easy peasy. My dad drilled me on my five paragraph essays last year. I've got the system down to a T.

While not being in dance class makes me miserable and a real pill to deal with, I am teaching a dance class. I'm kind of excited. I found songs to use for the performance, and the pay isn't bad. It's a short teaching job, but I already like the kids. They work hard to get the dances and don't want me to make up easy stuff. They like to be challenged. They respect me, and I respect them. It works.
It's still not dance class....

I miss it so badly. I start dancing in my room and try to find peace, but I can't develope my leg correctly because my room isn't big enough. I go into our basement and try to dance, but the ceiling is so low I end up scraping my knuckles.
There is no place for me to dance. I hold back tears while my muscles scream at me to MOVE in the way I was made to. I apologize to my body and mind because I cannot find the place to let go and rid myself of all the tension my life in heaping on me right now.

They say God will never give you more than you can handle, and I believe it. I'm turning to him every day, begging to begin dance lessons again, begging for more time to get the things I need to do done (not that I have bad time management, I'm just busy all the time now), wanting to stop being overwhelmed.
Yet I know too well, His will be done. I believe that too. I know it's the better path anyway. I just don't like the path I'm traveling right now. Stressed out. Always tired. Can't think straight. Lonely.

I want to have one big cry and be done with it all

This past Monday I was driving home when I passed by a large hill. I've been there before, with friends. We lay in the grass, listened to music, relaxed in the summer sun. Happy memories.
Something nudged at me to turn around and go up to the top of the hill and look around. So I did. I drove to the parking lot and got out of my car and treked up the hill.
It was a clear day and I could see for miles. Over several towns and I could see the outline of the city skyline. A moment of peace fell over me as I stood there gazing over the land, soaking up the warm sun.
I need more moment like that. A time to be still.

And now, I've got to go back to holding myself together and gritting my teeth. Everything inside me screaming "TOO MUCH" and yet something inside me still says "not enough." This isn't where I want to be. It isn't enough for me.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Cyd Charisse

Have you ever seen Cyd Charisse dance? It's just amazing. Purely amazing. 
As a child she overcame polio. To strengthen her muscles, a doctor reccomended dance lessons. She was thirteen when she began to take ballet class. 
She was Gene Kelly's favorite dance partner. That man was a hard act to follow, let alone keep up with! Yet, when I see them dance together, she manages to claim her half of the spotlight.

Yesterday I traipsed all over the city visiting several dance studios. All of them impressive. I have pretty much narrowed it down to two, based on location and accessibility. The dance studio I liked the most, unfortunately, is not easy to get to. 
I was able to watch class in two of the studios through the windows. It was amazing. The flexibility and strength that shows through their movements. The control and freedom that shows through the dance. They put everything they have into one single movement and carry it into the next. I could almost feel what it would be like to dance the combination they were practicing. It was thrilling just to watch them. Like I was home. Ever since my summer camp I've known that I am meant to dance. I need to dance. It's apart of me as much as breathing...well...that might be an exaggeration, but the point still stands. Dance is inside me, aching to be released. I have taken the next step in my journey of dancing. I can't wait to start taking class again. 

The downside to running all over, taking buses, trains, and walking/running/sprinting a great deal is...shin splints. If you've never had shin splints, they hurt like heck depending on how bad they are. And they can take weeks to heal. I can't properly flex or point my feet. Hopefully with a few days rest things will start to get better. 


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

ASL- Dancing With Your Hands.

Yesterday I entered the world of College Classes. Community College Classes anyway.

My English Prof reminds me of my friend's father...he sounds exactly like him! This semester will be interesting listening to a professor who sounds like my friend's dad. He seems to be very fair and no-nonsense, but good natured.

My ASL class, which is almost 4 hours long, is going to be a challenge but completely enjoyable. We don't talk at all during class, except through signing and finger-spelling.
Being a dancer my whole life- ASL is just like dancing, but with your hands. Like in some forms of Indian dances (from India, not Native American) hand movements convey a message. It can take years to memorize all of the hand signals and signs. I can't help but feel like I'm learning a new sort of dance. I've always had good muscle memory, and I love putting movement to meaning. 
I like not speaking with my voice. Sometimes silence is a much more powerful tool than noise. Silence can  make a person go mad. It can help someone to calm down after being around too much noise. If you listen to the silence, sometimes you make believe you can hear things in it. Sometimes you do hear things you wouldn't normally hear if you were talking aloud or listening to music. I'm a writer and I don't often write with music on. I write better when I'm not listening to anything except whatever sounds nature is making. That's sometimes as close to silence as you can get.
God can speak to us in silence. I wonder, do deaf people have an easier time hearing God because they don't have the external noise?

Sunday, August 21, 2011


Astonishing isn't a word you hear very often. 

Definition of Astonishing (According to the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary):

adj \-ni-shiƋ\
Definition of ASTONISHING
: causing astonishment : surprising <an astonishing discovery>
as·ton·ish·ing·ly adverb
  1. He showed an astonishing lack of concern for others.
  2. The truck can hold an astonishing amount of stuff.
  3. She gave an astonishing performance in her first film.

First Known Use of ASTONISHING- 1593 


Antonyms: unsurprising
The word astonishing may just be a fancy way of putting "surprised," but I feel like it holds so much more than just a birthday party you weren't expecting or a friend you haven't seen in a long time and ran into at the mall. 
To me, the word Astonishing conveys a certain hitch in your breath when you realize just what is going on. Astonishing is an achivement you gain with excelence. 
Astonishment is something when people look at you and say "You've come so far!" with genuine admiration and pride in their eyes. 

This year I am leaving behind almost every comfort place I know. 
I'm starting Community College tomorrow as a part time Freshman. The first steps to getting a major in Something-I-Don't-Know-What-Yet-That's-What-Gen-Ed-Courses-At-Community-College-Are-For. I'm terrified. I started hyperventilating last night when I lay in my bed thinking about starting classes tomorrow. Thank goodness I'm memorizing the Serenity Prayer and the 23rd Psalm.

I have a job that I love. Working at Bath and Body Works. The store where almost everything smells good! At least, there are some smells that are not my particular piece of cake, but other people love! 

I'm going to leave my little dance studio in my hometown and venture into Chicago and find a studio there. Dance has always been something I love. Recently I felt called to pursue dance more seriously, so I'm going to the city. It sounds like a movie, doesn't it? 
I know it'll be tough, I know all the stories about the world of performance. Don't talk down to me and tell me that I'll never make it. I know I might not, but that doesn't mean I won't be sashaying across a room for the rest of my life. Dance will always be in my life one way or another. It's just time that I figured out where. 

My life sounds pretty exciting and promising right now, doesn't it? Well, it sounds that looks that way. My future is almost an open slate. I have the beginnings of an exciting and eventful year (or several). 
But it's almost too open ended and out of my control. I'm not a control freak- or high maintenance. Still, leaving behind almost your whole world that didn't change too much and going into a place in your life where everything is new and you don't know what's going to happen? That's stressful, and scary, and exciting. My world is tumbling around me and I can't stop the spinning. It's slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.

Stop the world- I want to get off.

So in a fit of trying to find something I could grasp onto. I dyed my hair. It was supposed to be Auburn (I love Auburn hair), but it turned out Red. Deep, beautiful, red. It's awesome, and it didn't go the way I wanted it too, though I'm not really complaining there.

I think this is enough of an introduction to who I am- before I finish this entry- I'll actually explain the purpose of this blog. 

Since my life is changing rapidly and in so many ways (so many more ways than I even wrote about here). I'm chronicling major events, posting quotes, journaling my trials and internet appropriate tribulations, drabbles, ramblings, fits of sanity, etc. 

I chose the word Astonishing, because that's what I hope to be. Much like in the musical- Little Women (I'm a Jo by the way, for all you March Girl fans out there), I wish to be Astonishing and find my way in the unexpected and unknown. In my own way- today.