Tuesday, September 27, 2011


So this title sounds slightly odd yes? Well, I shall explain.
Usually to "re-purpose" something means to change something to suit another purpose. Like turning a flashlight into a lighter. Or a flower pot into a pencil cup.

I instead take the word and use it to describe a re-focusing. Realizing something and believe that this is your purpose.

Maybe I should explain more...

Yesterday I was freaking out about going to ______ dance school (insert name of dance school here- ask me if you don't know it yet :-p). I mean, I've never gone to a professional dance studio and taken class before. It's super intimidating. I'm going there Wednesday and I've been freaking out since Sunday. I've known that this is where I need to go, and dancing is something I need to do, but it's still a really scary thing.
So last night, I get home from school (thank you night classes!) and on my desk is the DVD from my dance camp where I figured out I needed to be dancing.

So I pop in the DVD and watch the performance. I almost start crying. It was like God was tapping me on the shoulder saying "See, you can do this!" I was watching myself and thinking about how- with a few months of training, I could get so much better, and I wasn't bad at all in the DVD. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate watching myself perform. I'm HYPER critical of myself in any type of performance. So, the fact that I couldn't come up with any super huge critique- is BIG.

I guess you could say last night I renewed my affirmation that I need to go to _______ dance studio. I'm still kinda scared and nervous, but who wouldn't be? I'm sure that it's going to be okay. Now if I can keep up with work, school, and dance (not necessarily in that order). The eternal quest to keep afloat in the sea of life. Thank goodness God is my navigator.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I know where my legs are...

If dance does anything- it makes your aware of your body.

I am VERY aware that I have hamstrings right now. Ouch...sore legs. It's really weird, but I love the feeling of being sore after a class. It means that I have worked hard and am getting somewhere. I love sweating during a really intense dance class.
Let's just say that I sweat a LOT last night.
Let's also make a point clear- I don't sweat a lot. Barely at all. I can be playing a full out game of football (soccer) or ultimate Frisbee and never even break a sweat. But put me in a dance class and I come out dripping. It's gross, but it's awesome at the same time!  I know I'm weird, so's everyone else in this world.

The dance class last night was really tough. Of course the other girls in the class at between the ages of 11-13 and they are all rubber bands. They just are able to spring and stretch like they were born that way. They also messed up quite a lot and had a lot to work on, just like me.
However- I remembered a quote by a professional ballet dancer. "You are there for no one but yourself." It's true too. I'm in dance class to work on MY technique, MY flexibility, MY dancing. Yeah so I can't do an illusion with a perfect split, but at least I can get my leg up there. No, I can't do a fire-bird with my foot touching the back of my head, but I will one day.  I'm not in class to compare myself to five little rubber-bandy girls who have been dancing since the day they were born. I'm there to improve myself and get myself where I want to go.
I realized last night during class just how much work I'm going to need to do to get to the place that I want to be at. Hopefully I'll be dancing four days a week, for 8 hours. 8 hours of dance as a starting point in a LOT. But when you think about it in the grand scheme of things- if you are dancing professionally, you are dancing every day for hours. You have classes, practices, rehearsals, and performances. Then, 8 hours looks like a week off.
It will be a starting point. A good one, I think. Hopefully it's the starting point I need to get a kickoff into my dance journey. Next step- going to "dance bootcamp" on Thursday. Workout, core training, and flexibility training. Oh yeah, I'll be hobbling on Friday.
And yes, I will love it.

Monday, September 19, 2011



As of TOMORROW I will start my next step in my dance journey! Tomorrow I get to go to a dance class at a studio near my house and try out a class because I have a "free class" card. It's a progressions and turns and leaps class. Something fun- you know?

Then next wednesday-
I have English from 9-10
Work from 11-3
Then I hop on the train and go into the city and attend the studio I have wanted to attend for months now! Two classes, one night, four hours of complete DANCE!!!!

I'm going to be SO tired. Luckily, I don't have to work the next day until one in the afternoon!!!

This is what is keeping me going this week. Last week it was really hard to keep my chin up. I almost broke down a couple times. No tears yet. In four weeks of a very stressed out me, not a single tear! Thank God, I have amazing friends who are always there for me and know how to cheer me up just by being there and spending time talking to me. So to all of you who hugged me, talked to me, let me listen to you talk about your life, listened to me talk about my lack of life, whatever- thank you. You all mean the world to me.


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Doctor Who

So anyone who knows me besides knowing that I love dance- should probably know that I love Doctor Who. Old series, new series, doesn't matter. I think the TV show is BRILLIANT! FANTASTIC! GERONIMO!
Also- loving the CD Still Got Legs (genre of Time Lord Rock- look it up!)

Doctor Who never ceases to give me inspiration and I (confession) often daydream about being swept away to the stars in a certain blue TARDIS. Just me, maybe a friend or two, and the Doctor. No, I wouldn't fall in love with him, but we'd be great friends. Have larks and laughs and eat weird combinations of food- like pickles and ice cream or fish fingers and custard. He might not look like David Tennant, Tom Baker, or Matt Smith, but he'd be fantastic. He might even be GINGER! He'd drive me nuts, but we'd laugh so much and I'd live for the running. A lot of running. Maybe one day he'd trust me with the sonic screwdriver. I'd be scared out of my wits sometimes, but I'd work past it all. Why? Because everyone is like that when they are with the Doctor.
Then one day- after a very long time, we'd part ways and I'd have to say goodbye. We'd be terribly sad, but both of us know that I'm human and I can't keep running and traveling and having fantastic times with the Doctor forever. I'd ask him to say goodbye for real, just so I wouldn't be waiting around forever for him to come back- like Wendy with Peter Pan. In a way- the Doctor is a kind of Peter Pan. He wouldn't forget me though, the Doctor doesn't forget people.
At least I'll never have to part ways with the TV show.

I wish I knew his real name...Does anyone know his real name?

Monday, September 12, 2011


Ever have a sense that you're just hanging in Limbo?

Really, I just needed a good title for this entry. Try keeping up a blog when you've got nothing to write about! Expect for the fact that I actually enjoyed myself for a fraction of my weekend. Saturday was awesome random wandering around with some great friends who I haven't hung out with for a WHILE!

Best Friends are amazing. I love mine. She's awesome and like a sister to me. One of the few people I can actually say will never judge me or think worse of me no matter what I do (not that I'm planning on doing anything anyway). Most of the time she totally gets what I'm talking about, even if I can't come up with the word for it. I'm eternally grateful to have her. Besides- who else would freak out over how amazing Munkustrap and Rum Tum Tugger are in CATS?

Oh yes, I'm one of THOSE people. Mwahaha!

Frustration of the week- Found out I was writing my novel WRONG!

Elation of the week- Figured out how to write my story CORRECTLY!

Still not at dance class...argargarg...let me gnaw off my leg with frustration. Except that, if i chew my leg off I can't dance...um...time to take anger out on soft pillow with lots of hugging.
I like hugs. I used to hate hugs, now I love them! But you can't hug halfway, you gotta really hug someone if you want to hug them. Who knows if it's the last hug that person will get? Don't you want it to be a good one?

Yeap, it's official. I'm crazy when running on caffeine and low sleep. I better go nap, or drink more coffee. Mmmmmmm.....coffee.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

Managing, Merging, Adjusting

Finally, I have found a studio.
Finally I will start dance again.
When? I don't know, ASAP!!!
Other than the hope that my dance life will soon be taking an upturn (really though, anything would be an improvement over not dancing), life's pretty much the same. Still learning to cope with lack of social interaction and plenty of school and almost too much work. God's getting me through this, though not much else is. Most of the time I'm frustrated, stressed, and restless. I NEED DANCE! (see below post for elaboration)

This weekend I went up to the Bristol Renaissance Faire with two friends. I've been going to the Ren Faire since I was a wee tot (short for toddler jsyk). it's kinda like my second home in a weird sort of way. I can joke and trade commentary, or friendly insults, with pretty much anyone bold enough to try and make conversation with me. I can sit among Queen Elizabeth's court and talk to the nobility and catch a glimpse of the visiting French Prince. Poor thing, he thinks he's going to go home with a wife. Well, we all know how THAT ended!
They have these amazing Fairies at the Faire. Oberon among them. Yesterday I wore my elf ears and he noticed them. His eyes lit up and he touched his ear, a quizzical look in his eye. I touched my ear in response and nodded, respectfully bowing my head to the King of the Fey. I live for moments like those.

I bought a puzzle ring and have been taking it apart and putting it back together obsessively. The story is entertaining. The puzzle ring originated when the Sultan wanted a way to keep tabs on his wives (since he had over 100) and see how faithful they were. He gave them these rings, saying that they were the royal ring and should never be taken off. Of course, some of the wives decided to play hookey (because you can't really have much of a romantic relationship with your husband when he's got 100 other girls to kiss!) and left the ring at home while they snuck out to go clubbing with the cute city boys who were MUCH handsomer than the fat old Sultan!
Okay- so they didn't go clubbing, but you get the idea!
Anyway, these queens came home and found their rings undone and couldn't figure out how to put the puzzle back together. So they decided to go "persuade" the royal jeweler to help them.
Cute story...but once the jeweler taught one of them the trick, what's to stop them from assembling the rings themselves over and over again? That sultan was not very bright...
The fact that I can put my ring back together in under fifteen seconds says something about this puzzle. Although, I couldn't figure it out until the guy told me how to put it back together. I was REALLY close though!

Finally- a Cheery Post! Well, sort of. Cheeriest one yet.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Welcome to the World....Reality Check.

Let's see....working two jobs. Part time college student who does homework. No scheduled social interaction each week. No dance class (currently).
Yeah, I'm drowning.

It's not really the fact that I don't see my friends anymore. Or talk to them much, because I don't count texting as a "real" form of communication. You can't hear the person's voice, see their expression, or anything. Skype and talking on the phone are okay. I don't mind those. At least with the phone you can hear the other person's voice and explain long stories. Skype is even better because you can SEE the person. IN PERSON is the best. Letters are great too. Get a handwritten letter and you will be happy for a week. Or at least I will.
But having to rely on Facebook and texting? It's pathetic. I get one text from my best friend and it makes my day....does anyone else see what's wrong with this picture?

College isn't so hard. At least, I love my classes and my professors are great. I have to revise a paper I hand wrote into a five paragraph essay (typed in the computer lab tomorrow). Easy peasy. My dad drilled me on my five paragraph essays last year. I've got the system down to a T.

While not being in dance class makes me miserable and a real pill to deal with, I am teaching a dance class. I'm kind of excited. I found songs to use for the performance, and the pay isn't bad. It's a short teaching job, but I already like the kids. They work hard to get the dances and don't want me to make up easy stuff. They like to be challenged. They respect me, and I respect them. It works.
It's still not dance class....

I miss it so badly. I start dancing in my room and try to find peace, but I can't develope my leg correctly because my room isn't big enough. I go into our basement and try to dance, but the ceiling is so low I end up scraping my knuckles.
There is no place for me to dance. I hold back tears while my muscles scream at me to MOVE in the way I was made to. I apologize to my body and mind because I cannot find the place to let go and rid myself of all the tension my life in heaping on me right now.

They say God will never give you more than you can handle, and I believe it. I'm turning to him every day, begging to begin dance lessons again, begging for more time to get the things I need to do done (not that I have bad time management, I'm just busy all the time now), wanting to stop being overwhelmed.
Yet I know too well, His will be done. I believe that too. I know it's the better path anyway. I just don't like the path I'm traveling right now. Stressed out. Always tired. Can't think straight. Lonely.

I want to have one big cry and be done with it all

This past Monday I was driving home when I passed by a large hill. I've been there before, with friends. We lay in the grass, listened to music, relaxed in the summer sun. Happy memories.
Something nudged at me to turn around and go up to the top of the hill and look around. So I did. I drove to the parking lot and got out of my car and treked up the hill.
It was a clear day and I could see for miles. Over several towns and I could see the outline of the city skyline. A moment of peace fell over me as I stood there gazing over the land, soaking up the warm sun.
I need more moment like that. A time to be still.

And now, I've got to go back to holding myself together and gritting my teeth. Everything inside me screaming "TOO MUCH" and yet something inside me still says "not enough." This isn't where I want to be. It isn't enough for me.