Alright, we're going to get to the nitty-gritty here.
You just had a decent day. You had a few laughs with your classmates during Creative Writing. You got complimented on your writing. You turned in that paper for your history class and you feel pretty good about the possibility of getting a decent grade on that. The dance class you taught for that youth theatre group performed and did fantastic! Even your dance class tonight went well and you felt that you were doing okay.
Oh wait...only okay?
Self- are you tired of simply being "okay?" I know that's the phrase you are using when people ask you "how are you doing" because to be honest, things aren't "good" right now. You're muddling through things though, and this is only a season. There will be better seasons.
You're scared about upcoming auditions. You're scared because you don't know where you are going to go to college and you will probably need to go on an audition if you even want to attend Roosevelt. The program calls for intermediate and advanced levels of ballet and jazz. You know your jazz, and maybe you can push your way through the ballet. But you're not nearly as good as you want to be. You're not nearly as strong as you think you should be. Do you even have "it," whatever it is, that will make you stand out in a crowd of auditioning performers?
Besides the dancing, you'll have to sing, and recite a monologue.
You don't know if anyone really believes you can do this. You don't know if you believe that you're good enough. You don't know if you're good enough.
Remember that theatre group you were apart of growing up? They taught you a lot of things. Some of them were good, but some of them have hurt you more than helped.
Somehow, you learned that you were good, but not good enough. You could even be second best, but not first.
Now opportunities are arising for you! Auditions for clubs and productions and colleges that will help you along your path to that tricky and slippery world of performance! You've met wonderful and talented people who have helped you become so much better than you were.
But that feeling still looms over you, doesn't it? You still hate auditions and callbacks, even though it's a clean slate to show what you can do! You know the positive, why can't you believe that it is true?
Why do you doubt that you are good enough? Why does that question haunt you every day? Why- after a summer of being shown that you are good enough- must you still ask these questions?
Am I a good enough singer to sing a song by myself or with only one other person?
Am I a good enough actress that I could be chosen for a part?
Am I a good enough dancer, at 19, that I could turn my passion into a career?
There are so many more questions about self-worth that I am working through right now. I really don't know why my self esteem has hit such a low point. I think I'm getting intimidated by the caliber of the people I am currently surrounded by. I love being surrounded with intelligent, talented, amazing people. I don't like being the "best" because then I have no motivation to grow. I'm simply at a point where I am scared that I do not have what it takes.
Tonight is a night where I took comfort in snickers and dried mango. I don't usually use food as a comforter, but then again I was also hungry so let's not label that as a habit yet. I probably cried a fair bit too because this is a really painful fear of mine and a very deeply rooted lie. I should know that I have worth, that I can achieve these things. At the end of summer I felt ready to go out and take on whatever college or other thing came my way. Now I feel like I'm being broken down bit by bit.
I made such big strides in actually believing myself, and now I feel like I'm back at square 1.
An author's Note:
Please know that I wrote this as an attempt to get this out of my system. I am not fishing for compliments, nor am I trying to be angsty. This post was an attempt to call myself out on some things that have been eating at me and get them out in the open. I figure if I name the things that are bothering me and tearing me down, I can better work through them and get past them.
Also- I know God has a plan for me and is in charge. I'm asking him a lot of questions right now and I'm not very clear on what the answers are (if I am privileged enough to receive answers). I am currently working on that idea of "no man's opinion matters, only God's opinion does." I've been working at that for years and only now do I have moments where I am grasping this.
Last note- I want to thank all of you who have been giving me support through this season. I know I wouldn't be able to make it through all this without you and you all mean the world to me. Thank you for bearing with my through these posts and whatever comes up in person/texting/facebook. Thanks to your support I find myself opening up more, actually asking for help, and generally doing things that a year ago I would have taken on all by myself. There IS progress, it's just a very slow climb.