I think there should be a rule against time travel, particularly where feelings are concerned.
Fall is my favorite seasons, it's a time for endings and beginnings. It's a time for color and life and vibrancy. Fall is the time of year where you can eat pretty much any food you want, wear whatever you like because the weather is changeable as the tides, and it has so many things to do. Corn mazes, bonfires, Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving, School starts (yes, I like learning), so many things that I love.
Fall is also one of the hardest seasons I have experienced. I used to hate summer. I'm much more a cool weather person than a warm weather person. I hated summer for other reasons, but then I had two good summers in a row and that sort of got fixed. I learned that seasons are just seasons.
However, when we put a season on repeat. I get a bit testy. When I have to make choices that I don't like, I get angry and frustrated and sad. When I don't know what to do and feel helpless, I feel like running forever and ever.
Right now I want to run and run and run until I'm out of breath and can just drop down and not get up until everything is back to normal. Except that I think that normal is a myth. Normal has never existed for me, therefore it's a useless word used to describe a conformity to a routine defined by someone years ago. I despise normality, and yet I crave some semblance of the wretched thing. Stability might be the real world I'm looking for.
The stupid truth is, I'm lonely again. I have more friends than I think I've ever had in my life, and I'm lonely and overwhelmed by life and the things I'm facing right now. Before this summer, when I would get overwhelmed I would shut down emotionally. It was just easier for me to turn off all emotions and exist in a semi-alive world. It sucked because it meant I couldn't deal with the things I needed to deal with in an efficient manner.
This summer I learned to feel. I learned maybe too many things this summer, but none the less I learned a lot. I healed a lot.
I promised myself I would not shut down again. I'm sticking to that promise and right now, it sucks. I hate emotional pain, I hate fear, I hate stress, I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing what the heck I'm doing!
I don't hate people, I just hate dealing with myself after interacting with people. I don't hate myself, I just don't like processing things. It's messy and I hate crying and I hate feeling because I'm not used to these things. I never thought I would be able to feel so much. I felt some wonderful emotions in the past few years that I thought would make me burst from their power, that means that there must be equally powerful emotions that could drag me down.
It seems like a lot of people are feeling this way lately. I don't like seeing my friends hurting. Doing something that you know is going to hurt someone close to you is the worst thing I can think of. Maybe I'm just too loyal and care too much about my friends. All I want to do is to console and fix my friends. I want to be able to hug them and say "let me hurt for you."
I once told my best friend that I thought I was going to be the one who hurt enough for both of us. It didn't really work out that way, but I sincerely believed that for a long time.
"Too much" was my cry last year, everything seemed like too much. Now I feel like it's mixed with "not enough." There is too much and not enough in my life. I can't tell you what of. The lines seem to blur together like text on a page.
I will not go back to being a shell of myself. It took me months to learn how to smile, nearly a year to relearn how to laugh. My laugh still sounds foreign in my ears. I surprise myself when I start to laugh.
My parents keep talking to me about finding a faith community. They fully acknowledge that it's not easy to find. In my experience I haven't made friends in my faith community very easily. It takes work. That's not a bad thing, I just don't know where to look where I would be accepted.
God, I need you to carry me, because I can't walk anymore.
Surrender is the hardest thing for me to do.