Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Closing up

I have this great talent for shutting people out to protect them, and then punishing them by being moody because I won't open up about what's going on in my life. I can also minimize my worries and troubles (as silly as they might be, at least, in my opinion they all are silly).
Not that I'm going to post all of my dark secrets here. On the internet, for everyone to see. That would be unwise and idiotic.

I finally started venting to my parents my frustrations and insecurities about college and where I'm going to end up. This is only one of the things I am grappling with right now (see, that clever avoidance of continuing on about my college worries?).
My mom pointed out (or rather, called me out) that I have been acting in such a way that makes the rest of the family tiptoe around me on eggshells because they don't know whats going on or why I'm being so moody all of the time. I need to find a better word other than moody.

Adjective- temperamental, emotional, volatile, capricious, changeable, mercurial; sullen, sulky, morose, glum, depressed, dejected, despondent, doleful, dour, sour, saturnine, manic-depressive; informal blue, down in the dumps, down in/at the mouth. ANTONYMS even-tempered, cheerful.

I think that all of these words have applied to me at some point in the past weeks. I've felt lost, unsure of my future. I've felt lonely, some friendships seem to be changing and I don't like what's happening. I've felt frustrated with maintaining a balancing act between work, school, and a minimal social life.  I've also gotten frustrated with myself that I'm causing my family, and maybe others, to tiptoe around me. I don't want that.

And all of this is vague enough so that you, dear reader, will feel like I'm merely politely blogging without going in too deep about personal matters that I do not wish to put out on the internet.

I posted a status on Facebook about how this year simply cannot be as hard as last year. I refuse to think that this year will be a repeat of broken friendships, miserable days at community college, and lots of complications about figuring out my future.
I didn't expect the outpouring of support I received from my friends. Friends who I had only known for a little while where sending me private messages to make sure I was okay and offering a shoulder to lean on, making me feel supported and loved.
I shied away from all of it. I gave the answers I needed to give and I got everyone to shut up. I opened up the bare minimum to one friend and felt a little bit better, but there was still that voice inside my head saying "This is YOUR burden, don't heap it on others. Keep Calm and Carry On. If you talk to all these people about what's going on you're going to just end up venting hot air and that's something needy people do. Be strong for Pete's Sake. You've always gotten through things and you don't need to go telling everyone your problems, they've got enough of their own. Actually, see if they need any help. You like giving help."  

It's true, I love helping my friends. I love being the strong one. I love being the slightly offbeat loner who has her own little niche and is constantly expanding it. I love being able to hold it together. I've been the shoulder to cry on, the older sister, the one who helps people figure out their problems. And I won't let anyone help me. 

I thought I was getting so much better at this. Maybe I am. I was able to have a very good chat with a friend during the drives too and from Stronghold. I was able to open up a bit then.
But, when I am confronted with so much love and support that it overwhelms me, I go hide.

This past Sunday at church the choir was singing a song. Some of the lyrics were "Don't give up. Just hold on. Joy will come. You be strong."
Talk about a wrecking. It just floored me and pierced my heart. I can't think that God isn't going to use this time of my life for some reason down the road. There's got to be some reason for all of this. That's really the only thought getting me through this. Soldiering on.

In other news- I'm hoping to get a "general events" update on this and make this blog a bit more cheery than it has been of late. I'm genuinely sorry that I haven't been able to post about better things. I also am planning on (aka- haven't had the time yet) posting some fiction on my Ship's blog.

1 comment:

  1. I know about loving to be the strong one and being able to deal with everything myself - that was me - until I was stuck in a situation for 1 1/2 years that tore me down EVERY day. I finally broke - so please learn from me - find a group or a couple people that you can truly confide in or even just one and keep them!!! You need to get the venting out - it is NOT for needy people - everyone needs someone to listen. If you don't trust anyone enough - go get a therapist - you pay them not to tell anyone what you say! Sorry - but I see that bit of myself in you and don't want you to implode one day. <3