Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Some not very good, and some great.

Roller coaster doesn't even begin to cover this.

I have discovered a few things over the past few days.
1. I am probably more stressed out than I have realized.
I am jumping at every single noise out there. I got completely unhinged over a C grade on a paper (ok, well, I'd be upset anyway, but not so much). I'm refusing coffee so that I don't become dependent in it, but if coffee is what keeps me under control- I could be using a lot worse drugs than caffeine. Black tea works too.
I was installing Word on my Mac (YAY!) and I was having trouble and I swear I've never been so high-strung in my life.

2. I should never turn anything in without having my dad proofread.
Or my mom, I've been redoing a paper for most of yesterday after school and it's a thousand times better since I've had them read it over. It's due tomorrow.

3. I should really email my psych professor about my papers.
I checked and double check that I had gotten all of the information needed, but apparently I missed a few things. Next time I'll form some questions and ask my teacher. I understand the material we're going over perfectly, now I just need to output the input (yes, right now that phrasing sounds brilliant in my head).

4. I really do cry- I've got to find that nerve that makes me cry.
Hurt me, stress me out, do whatever you like- I won't cry. I just wont. Touch one of my best friends and I will either kill you, break down, or both.
This time I chose the break down- mainly because this is the closest I've ever come to hating someone in my life. 

I am possibly one of the hardest people to care for when I'm really upset. I do not tell you what I need, I don't give specific signals about anything. I become Katniss in 13 when she goes into closets and sleeps. I am a pain in the butt when I have a breakdown.
If you had plans when I've worked up enough courage to admit to you that I'm seriously not okay- I will pretend to be alright enough to make you believe that I'm okay so you can go have a good time. If you can see through this, never tell me how, because then I will figure out a way to fool you. So never tell me. Ever.
Sometimes I need hugs. Long ones, and if you let go of me too soon I'll keep holding on because you're the only tangible anchor I have right now.
Sometimes if you touch me, I will fly across the room and huddle in a ball. No one can touch me or I'll go crazy.
Like I said- I am a tough one to care for when I'm upset. A lot depends on the context of the situation. Sometimes I don't even know what I need. Then it gets really interesting.

I'm going to be okay, but the operative part of that statement is "going to be." Implying that right now- I'm on the verge of tears and probably will be all day. Thank goodness I have dance class tonight.

On the other hand- I'm super excited about the Ren Faire Auditions. I'm not really stressed about them, or if I am, I can't tell! I think it's going to be an adventure and I can't wait to see what happens.

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