Monday, December 31, 2012

There's Been A Change In Me

Dramatic- yesh. Fitting, very much so.

Let's take a look back, shall we?

Since it’s been about a year since I started blogging, I took a few minutes to look over the past year and what I wrote. That’s really painful as a writer to look back over a semi-personal public journal that I made to record the basic facts of what was going on in my life. I glossed over a lot during my posts. As I reread them I remember things that I didn’t even talk about because of my “publishing ethics” and rule of “Don’t post anything that could come to back to bite you.”
Those first few months that I started blogging were miserable. Dealing with changing relationships, starting college, and my first job seemed to be all that I posted about (except that relationship thing, I tried to avoid talking about things that involved people I was growing distant from). I think I was a little repetitive. I’m hoping to change that in this next year.

I’ve changed so much since last fall.

I was at a Christmas party a few weeks ago and the way I described this new school year was that “Life is still hard, but I’m better equipped than I was last year.”
Last year I did not have the vast network of friends to hold me up. I had a handful of astonishing friends, who love me dearly, and they held me up. They got me through many a though day and let me be mopey and dramatic and work through my struggles without telling me to “man up” unless I was being unreasonable.

So to Shelby, Teegan, Kady, Colin, Mom, Dad, and anyone else who held me up during last fall (and through last year), thank you. Yes I am breaking a rule and using real names. You deserve to be known.

Then came the most frightening and amazing thing that pulled me out of myself and dropped me back here, more myself than I ever thought possible.
That was Bristol.
There is no way to thank all of you who took me in and befriended me this summer. Anyone who gave me any word of encouragement or smile or hug, you all changed me. You let me be myself and, honestly, forced me to be myself. I simply could not be false or hold back around you all.

The encouragement and support I’ve found from my Bristol Family has helped me to go out and pursue the things I love, and to admit that I love them without fear of judgment or rejection. Or, even if I am rejected, I know that I have a support group who believes in me.

I couldn’t have admitted these goals at the beginning of summer. Or even at the middle of summer. Now I am going to open up a few very close to my heart goals that I want to accomplish.

1)                   I want to go back to my youth theatre group, where I felt so much pressure and became insecure in my own talents, and teach children in a pressure free environment where they will not be judged or typed.
As a side note- I learned many character-building things from this theater group and made many friends there. I had some of the best and worst times of my tween/teen years. There were a lot of negative things that I came away from this group with. I had insecurities and a lot of self-doubt as to whether or not I could follow my dreams. I want to make sure that in my teaching I am not creating the same type of environment. I want to teach improvisation without any pressure to be funny. I want to teach dance where the shy child can shine. Most of all I want to take the negative things and turn them into something positive.

2)                   I’ve wanted to play Queen Elizabeth I since I was little. I think it’s about time for me to start making that a reality. Starting this year I’m going to be doing more research and figuring out how and where I can play a young Elizabeth. It will be a start.

3)                   I want to value others and be a good example. Not in the “I’m a goody two shoes” kind of way, because I’m going to make mistakes and break the rules some days. I just want to learn from my mistakes and come out on top. I’ve been inspired and mentored by so many astonishing people over this past year. I want to be that to someone.

All of this I want to accomplish along with going to school (and hopefully transferring to another school by fall 2013), being apart of a musical, working, taking dance classes, writing, and any other social life that manages to fit in somewhere.
Looking over this last year. God has taken care of me in ways I could never have imagined. I've been stretched and molded and tested in my faith and principles. I'm still standing by what I fundamentally believe to be true.  God is still good, and He's blessed me and given me the strength to make it through some rough times that are by no means over. I'm just learning to thank Him for the small good things (and the large ones, though they are more rare) that make life sweet.

Thank you all for a roller coaster of a year. 2012 I bid you Adieu. 2013, I can’t wait to see what you have in store.


  1. And I for one am excited to see what challenges you meet and overcome in this new year. I am so blessed to be a part of your life and to be your big sister. So thank you Amazing for letting me!

  2. You are a beautiful lady and you have a beautiful heart full of things that are good and will be even better with time. Your resolutions are sound and you will see them through. Thank YOU for being a part of MY Bristol experience, too, because it was formative for me as well. <3