Looking to the Horizon

Today my brain feels like it will explode. Just one of those days where it is one thing after another, never ending.

So what did I do? I took a walk. That was probably the best thing I could have done today. Simple physical exertion. No ipods, cell phone turned on silent, a bottle of water to keep me hydrated. It was more than just "nice." It was needed.

Things are (in general) looking up. I've managed to navigate some stressful situations that I'm not necessarily through, but God is keeping me going. He's always there for me. I'm forever grateful for that. I know there is a plan He's laid out for me. He's shown up in amazing ways of late.

For instance....
I've been accepted into my dream school, Roosevelt University, into the Chicago College of the Performing Arts for a Musical Theater (Dance Emphasis) major. I've toured the campus, and it's so beautiful. It feels right to be in the city. I know that it's where I want to go. I want to go so badly. In my opinion, it's a bit of a miracle that I even made it into the program.

Now I'm praying and looking for a way to finance my education. All I can say about Roosevelt is that it's $$$. I'll have to take out loans, do work study, save all that I can from my part time job paycheck, and apply for a million scholarships.

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not afraid that I won't find the money to fill the gap between me and school. I will be heartbroken. I don't say or use that word lightly.

I know that if God wants me at Roosevelt, my family and I will find the money. He will provide for me wherever I need to go. He's already provided for so much in this journey. I've been well cared for and am learning to give over control. It's not easy. I have to constantly give up control of something that I have very little control over. It's simply my way to want to try and control things, especially when I want something so much.
 Still, I have faith that the money will be there. I will do my part in applying for scholarships and finding ways of saving what I can. Just one year at a time. That's all my family is focusing on right now, because we don't know if I am able to go to school this year, if I'll be able to go next year. It's a sobering thought. It adds a lot of stress to all of us. I don't like the idea of being in debt for 10-15 years after school. I'm crazy because I'm going into a field that simply doesn't pay. Why? Because performing is like breathing to me.
I'll find some way. The biggest hurdle yet was putting down the deposit and saying that I'm going to do my best to go to Roosevelt this fall.

"Live like no one else so you can live like no one else." Right, Dave Ramsey?

I hope that this is just the sun coming up and not the sun setting for me. I have my plan B, going back to Harper and finishing an associates in either Arts or History and then going from there. I've just got to trust God that He's going to come through. Because it's His will over mine. I've learned that in extraordinary ways this year. I've just got to keep learning this lesson. I'm not perfect and it's a process.

Now back to the crazy land of papers and scholarships and community college assignments.

There's Been A Change In Me

Dramatic- yesh. Fitting, very much so.

Let's take a look back, shall we?

Since it’s been about a year since I started blogging, I took a few minutes to look over the past year and what I wrote. That’s really painful as a writer to look back over a semi-personal public journal that I made to record the basic facts of what was going on in my life. I glossed over a lot during my posts. As I reread them I remember things that I didn’t even talk about because of my “publishing ethics” and rule of “Don’t post anything that could come to back to bite you.”

Those first few months that I started blogging were miserable. Dealing with changing relationships, starting college, and my first job seemed to be all that I posted about (except that relationship thing, I tried to avoid talking about things that involved people I was growing distant from). I think I was a little repetitive. I’m hoping to change that in this next year.

I’ve changed so much since last fall.

I was at a Christmas party a few weeks ago and the way I described this new school year was that “Life is still hard, but I’m better equipped than I was last year.”

Last year I did not have the vast network of friends to hold me up. I had a handful of astonishing friends, who love me dearly, and they held me up. They got me through many a though day and let me be mopey and dramatic and work through my struggles without telling me to “man up” unless I was being unreasonable.

So to Shelby, Teegan, Kady, Colin, Mom, Dad, and anyone else who held me up during last fall (and through last year), thank you. Yes I am breaking a rule and using real names. You deserve to be known.

Then came the most frightening and amazing thing that pulled me out of myself and dropped me back here, more myself than I ever thought possible.

That was Bristol.

There is no way to thank all of you who took me in and befriended me this summer. Anyone who gave me any word of encouragement or smile or hug, you all changed me. You let me be myself and, honestly, forced me to be myself. I simply could not be false or hold back around you all.

The encouragement and support I’ve found from my Bristol Family has helped me to go out and pursue the things I love, and to admit that I love them without fear of judgment or rejection. Or, even if I am rejected, I know that I have a support group who believes in me.

I couldn’t have admitted these goals at the beginning of summer. Or even at the middle of summer. Now I am going to open up a few very close to my heart goals that I want to accomplish.

1)                   I want to go back to my youth theatre group, where I felt so much pressure and became insecure in my own talents, and teach children in a pressure free environment where they will not be judged or typed.

As a side note- I learned many character-building things from this theater group and made many friends there. I had some of the best and worst times of my tween/teen years. There were a lot of negative things that I came away from this group with. I had insecurities and a lot of self-doubt as to whether or not I could follow my dreams. I want to make sure that in my teaching I am not creating the same type of environment. I want to teach improvisation without any pressure to be funny. I want to teach dance where the shy child can shine. Most of all I want to take the negative things and turn them into something positive.

2)                   I’ve wanted to play Queen Elizabeth I since I was little. I think it’s about time for me to start making that a reality. Starting this year I’m going to be doing more research and figuring out how and where I can play a young Elizabeth. It will be a start.

3)                   I want to value others and be a good example. Not in the “I’m a goody two shoes” kind of way, because I’m going to make mistakes and break the rules some days. I just want to learn from my mistakes and come out on top. I’ve been inspired and mentored by so many astonishing people over this past year. I want to be that to someone.

All of this I want to accomplish along with going to school (and hopefully transferring to another school by fall 2013), being apart of a musical, working, taking dance classes, writing, and any other social life that manages to fit in somewhere.

Looking over this last year. God has taken care of me in ways I could never have imagined. I've been stretched and molded and tested in my faith and principles. I'm still standing by what I fundamentally believe to be true.  God is still good, and He's blessed me and given me the strength to make it through some rough times that are by no means over. I'm just learning to thank Him for the small good things (and the large ones, though they are more rare) that make life sweet.

Thank you all for a roller coaster of a year. 2012 I bid you Adieu. 2013, I can’t wait to see what you have in store.

Perseverance

Funny how in hindsight you can see a theme underlining what is going on in your life.

It seems as if, when I asked God to give me strength and perseverance because I've been having a slightly rough time of things lately, I didn't fully realize the implications of what I was asking.

Example, when I asked God to help me live out my faith and take the next step from being a player on the bench to actually going into the game, He sent situations to me where I had to choose between some things that I really want, but won't do because of what I believe. I've been asking Him to mold me into the person He wants me to be, and He's been showing up in remarkable ways to get me to lean on Him and not rely on myself. I think there was a request about learning to trust in God too.

So to cope with some of these rather painful decisions, I asked God to give me strength and perseverance.  See example above as what happened when I asked God for something last time. Didn't I learn the first time? Oy, when it rains it pours!

Lately I've been coping with not as much grace as I should have right now. Anger is too easy an emotion to choose when your feelings are strong and you are hurting and frustrated and confused about life. Unfortunately, it seems that I was starting to choose that emotion as my outlet instead of working through whatever is presented before me to work through.

Something else I realized is that while the things in life that I am going through right now may be trivial and small compared to many of my other friends, this is the first time I am dealing with some more grown up problems and situations. While I keep in mind that my friends have worries much more heavy than mine, I'm still learning my "young" lessons that will make me capable of learning bigger lessons.
I've already made a few minor mistakes during my lessons this fall, luckily only my pride has been bruised and nothing lasting has come of them. I'm switching perspectives and tactics on a few matters, and learning to juggle a much fuller life than I have been used to.

So please, my friends, have patience with me when I'm struggling with a concept of reality. Hold me accountable and help me to learn. Give me hugs, seriously. I don't ask for hugs, or any sort of physical affection, much. Sometimes I need a hug and I just don't ask for one.

To me, life is a series of lessons that we learn in one way or another. We don't all learn the same lessons, but we all have shared experiences that help us relate when another person is learning something much like what we had to learn at a previous time. If you've already learned some of the lessons that I'm learning right now and have some advice, I'd be happy to listen.

I know that once I learn these lessons, I'll be much farther along that I was before. Even with the small difficulties (because in one year's time I'll look back and laugh at some of this), this fall has been ridden with happy times with new friends and old friends. I'm hoping to mesh a few of the new and old friend groups because I think everyone would be crazy enough to actually get along.


Now to try and figure out how that will work! Onto plotting!

So, when did I get pretty?

Something happened over the past year, and I don’t know what caused this, but here’s the fact of the matter.

Somehow, in some strange way, I became physically attractive and people started noticing.

Now this isn’t going to be about how I have a “horrible” (aka, fishing for compliments) self image or how because of my acne I never thought anyone would be able to think of my physical appearance as appealing. I might have had moments like these at various times throughout my life, but everyone does.

I think part of what happened was that I distanced myself from a lot of the people who made my insecurities problems and I began to make friends who really build me up and encourage me. In short, I got a confidence boost. Privately, I’ve always thought that I am not bad looking (the threat of vanity and pride prevents me from saying anything further), but throughout the last year I have been blasted with compliments and remarks about how I have become an attractive young woman. Most of these comments come from males, as well as some of my female friends whom I hold in high esteem and trust their opinion. It’s been overwhelming, interesting, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it was flattering. 

Yeesh, ya'll are turning me feminine.

To me, being attractive is as much about having a genuine personality that reflects positive traits and intelligence as it is about being physically appealing. Actually, let me retract that statement. Being attractive is much MORE about having a genuine personality that reflects positive traits and intelligence as it is about physical attractiveness. I happen to believe 100% that I have beautiful friends; each of my friends is a beautiful person inside and out. I can see the promise of each human being and there is always a redemptive quality in everyone on earth (except for maybe a few truly evil people, but that’s another topic for another time). This weekend while some of my friends and I were out at dinner I voiced my opinion that I don’t think anyone is truly ugly unless they have a horrible personality.

Part of what we regard as “beautiful” to our eyes is personal preference. For instance, I know several people who adore red hair, and others who go ga-ga over blondes with curls, and some who really like brown eyes, or they find tattoos attractive. The other major part is what society dubs as conventionally beautiful. Unfortunately, society seems to say that you really only need to be beautiful in the shallowest way possible. Be a decoration with a decent GPA and you will go far. Change yourself to match our standards and you’ll be happy.

Let me scoff and giggle and pull out my hair at the absurdity of it all.

If I am beautiful, I want to be beautiful because I have a light in me that shines through my personality and transforms me from the inside out. I’d rather be attractive because I show kindness, than because I have the kind of hair that everyone admires. I’d rather be pretty because my actions reflect grace and thoughtfulness than be pretty because of my makeup.

If I am thought pretty or beautiful or attractive I want it to be because I am smart, and willing to admit my faults as a person, and willing to be better by learning new things and correcting my errors. If I happen to be pleasing to the eye on a physical appearance basis, I hope that no one mistakes that this is the most I have to offer.

My little dream

Time to think positive thoughts, at least for today.

While my future is something that is currently overwhelming me, it is a sea of possibilities. I'm starting to formulate tentative plans for next semester that involve a lot of Arts training and not much else (well, maybe an Algebra clep test, but let's not talk about that scary thing).

I scheduled a visit to a college that a dance teacher of mine (look back at my posts about dancing with Melinda) told me to apply for. I was accepted last year, but put the school on the shelf.
Technically it doesn't have the exact program I'm looking for, which would a Theatre degree with a concentration in Dance, so I could minor in History. I want to talk to the admissions board there about how we could work that out. I see many possibilities, one of them being that it doesn't work out. That would be okay though, because I want to go to the college that God leads me to.

For those of you who say to major in History and minor in Dance....well...I've thought about that. I don't like the idea. Yes, I know it's more "practical" but seriously, since when are most college students actually getting jobs in their degree field right now? Unless that changes dramatically in the next few years I think I'm better off going for what I love and training in performance.

I've never been one to dream about the big house on the hill with the four cars and lots of cash in the bank. I don't need designer clothing. I love thrifting. I like Aldi's, except for their produce section which makes me cringe. Bargains are awesome, but I also know that sometimes you need to shell out the cash for a quality item.

I'd be happy in an apartment in Chicago. I'd be fine with having a roommate or two to split rent. One day I'd like to be sharing that space with a husband, but that will all come in good time. I'd be happy with a cat, or two, or three. I hear they're pretty addicting. I'd be happy without a car, or a nice used car. My family has only bought one brand new car (to my knowledge). Our "newest" car is a used car. It runs perfectly fine!
Of course, I don't think I could give up my obsession for books. However, I don't think that's too much of a problem other than finding shelf space.
I'd be happy working for a Museum, Performing, Writing my stories (maybe getting paid for them), and having a group of friends who are as intellectual (and more so, because that would stretch my mind) as I am. 
One day, very far away, I'd like to adopt a child. I don't know where from, but I've wanted to adopt for a long time.

That right there, that's my little dream. I don't need the American Dream. I don't need to be a millionaire. It's not about the quantity, it's about the quality.

Now I've just got to find my way there.
I think I needed this moment of Hope, all I have to do is hold on to it and see where it goes.

Promises.

Yes I feel very guilty for neglecting my "real life" blog.

Here's what happened- real life.

Bristol ended, and school started. Along with school, I am working part time as a barista and earning more in one week than I earned in two weeks at my old job. Part of that is they pay me a little bit better, and I also have a minimum of 12 hours a week because it's a union job. Along with schooling and my job, I teach dance on Thursday nights and take dance on Monday and Thursday.

Oh, and I went to one audition on Saturday, and am planning on going to another a week from tomorrow. I didn't do my best at the audition on Saturday, but you win some and you lose some right? I'm actually okay considering that I think I won't make the show. I have only been cut from something once, and to be honest, I'm looking forward to getting some rejections.

Along with dealing with the lovely stress of auditions, I have the lovely stress of having a teacher in my Western Civilization class who likes to stress me out. That is all I will say on this topic because I do not want this blog to turn into a ranting spot.

Add on top of that, trying to maintain the friendships I started this summer at Bristol. It's tough. I miss people. I miss a LOT of people.
I remember one of my friends from Bristol promising me that they'd have a movie night and have me come and visit. Now, with some "theater type people" saying that "we should have a movie night" is like when you meet an old acquaintance and promise to have coffee without really ever meaning what you say. I've learned to take promises of future events with a grain of salt and try not to hope too hard. I also try to follow through on my promises of this type of nature, or at least acknowledge that these speculative ideas are simply ideas.
However, I had a good amount of faith in this person and they made good on their promise. So yesterday I hoped onto a train and got myself to the city for a Pirate Movie Night. I think I was almost looking forward to this too much.
To put things briefly- this week has stressed me out more than most weeks. On top of social complications, work, school, auditions, and a queasy stomach, I've had to make some hard choices about how much my faith comes into my life. This does not make for a very sane me.

Last year I relied on coffee as my pacifier, this year it is Chai Tea.

It's amazing how seeing just a few dear friends can make a difference. I was actually able to eat a decent sized meal for the first time in about five days. I found myself able to relax without having to remind myself to release the tension in my shoulders. I was up until about 2 AM playing a board game that still doesn't make any sense, but it was fun and I was with people I've been missing for weeks. This was a promise fulfilled.

As I was thinking about this today, I've been wondering about what has God promised me? I can't say I like all of the challenges put in front of me recently. Some of them have been downright painful and I want to know why. Have you ever felt like just asking God, WHY?
A few weeks ago I made a commitment to go further in my faith and welcome the challenges that would be brought to me. This week's challenges made me remember exactly how miserable I felt last year, because that's how I felt for a few days this week. There was lots of Chai Tea and teddy-bear hugging. Now we're back to just the Chai Tea stage.
I remember hearing the small voice that said "I can't wait to show you the plans I have for you." and I knew it was God talking to me. That was only two weeks ago. My life has certainly become topsy truvy in the last 14 days.
If last year was about learning to trust God no matter what. I think this year I'm hearing the word "Obey" and "Surrender." Not easy concepts for me to grasp. However, I want to see what promises and plans God has for me this year. 

Now I've got to get back to more of that stressful history homework for that "wonderful" professor who is currently driving me up a wall.

Challenges

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:30

This summer my faith has been challenged in ways I didn't think it would be. No one has outright challenged me as to why I believe what I believe, but questions have been coming up in my head every now and then and I actually have to think about "Why wouldn't I go along with that?" or "Is this what I really believe?"


Unfortunately, some of these things I don't know the answers too. I just don't know what I think about some maters when it comes to the world around me. I don't think this is a bad thing either. I like things that make me think and grow and form my own opinion.
Something that I want to strive for is basing my opinions and beliefs on what I have discovered and researched and come to believe, rather than just relying on what I've been taught all my life.

Let me clarify that I am NOT saying that what I've been taught is wrong. A lot of what I've been taught growing up I believe to be right, but I've come to that decision based on researching the answers for myself and "double checking." What can I say, I like to learn and research. I want to know the reasoning behind why I believe what I believe.

"So be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16


Since I am firm in a few things about my faith, I know I cannot bend the few principles I am firm on. If I bend them, what is holding me up? What standards can I have if I don't uphold the few things I am certain of now?
Sometimes it's really hard and I don't want to say "no." I've had to say no and pull back a couple times. More than a few times I've thought about bending. You can only bend so far until you break.

One thing I do know, is that I am firm in the essentials of my faith. I believe that Christianity is about love. Ultimately that's what my faith is all about. I am a failing human loved by a perfect God who I love as my Abba-Father. I will make mistakes and screw up (a lot) and He will still love me and forgive me.

I am really nervous about posting this. I've never posted anything so blatant about my faith before. 


If anything, this summer has taught me that I will be okay in the world and still maintain my faith. I might be going through an upward climb, but it's going to be okay. The first week of college was much easier than last year, and I already know I'm going to grow in many ways.
Last year was trusting that God would get me through each day. Now I've been able to get through that hard year and I know I will be provided for. This year is going to be new challenges and I'm looking forward to finding out what my Abba-Father and I will be working on this year. 

Hopefully I will be posting again soon on my Astonishing blog. I know I've been really heavy on the Anne blog this summer, but that blog has been there to chronicle my summer at Faire, and for the most part that's what I've been doing other than working (new job as Barista).
We have one weekend left for the Faire and I hope that if you haven't gone yet that you will come this weekend! It would mean a lot to me. I love the people that I am working with and they are the kindest most genuine people on earth. Look on my Anne blog for the last few posts I will be writing, including what will happen with my Anne blog once Faire is over, which I still need to think through.

Thank you for letting me be vulnerable through my writing, even if I'm hiding behind the mask of the internet.

Halfway Through Summer

It's been an eventful time of late...

Ren Faire is most amazing place in the world. Now onto the rest of my life.

I changed jobs. I'm not working in a shop anymore. I'm a barista now at Vero and just had my first day of practical training. I worked a lot on the register and made a lot of mistakes but my coworkers said that I was doing really well for my first day. We serve other things besides just coffee, so I'm learning how to serve gelato and make fried dough puffs. It was a slightly difficult first day and I felt like I failed a lot, but as someone (or many people) have said to me, "If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough." I guess I'm trying really hard because that register hates me. I shall not let it conquer me! I shall prevail and win it's affection!

I'm still making a lot of reconsiderations about which direction to go in. Right now I'm still dancing, but I want to explore my writing, my passion for history, and my passion for general performance. I'll probably take a history and a creative writing class this fall as part of my college studies. Being in Ren Faire has made me take a step back and really look at the realistic aspect of some of my career ideas.

There's been a recent learning curve on "How do I react to certain things?" I recently found out that if I'm boxed in and "attacked" without a determinable exit- I'll turn into River Tam and possibly hurt somebody. That was a scary thing to realize. I think I scared myself more than anything. Now I get to learn how to deal with that and make sure that I take care of myself and the people around me so that I don't have another River Tam "Miranda" moment.  Oh well, we live, we learn, we grow, and we work through things.

God is challenging me on a lot of things. My health hasn't been the greatest. I've gotten a lot of fatigue and I'm going to be getting a general physical on Thursday to make sure that there isn't anything wrong. Hopefully it will just be an imbalance on my vitamins and I'll take some supplements and be A-ok. It's hard to be not at my best and I just have to trust that this is only a season. Change will come, hopefully for the better. Slowly I'm turning more and more over to Him and He's brought some great things into my life. I've also had a lot of mini-lessons that haven't been too fun, but God is going to carry me through it.

Bumpy Road

So I've been telling myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.
The next day I'd tell myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.
Then the next day I'd tell myself "I need to post." Then life would happen.

Needless to say- there's been a LOT of life going on. Some good, but lately I've been hit with a lot of conflicting stuff.


First point of Life- My old youth theater program split ways with the main company and now, while still holding the same values (essentially), it's a mess. No one knows what's going on and there is a ton of uncertainty. I'm slightly glad that I've graduated from this program and only teach there now and then.
Many good things happened in this theater group, and many challenging things. So there's a lot that I'm just waiting to "see what happens" on the subject. To be honest I'm tired of seeing all of the notifications on Facebook about this. I know it's important, but I feel like there's just too much confusion right now. Everyone needs to simmer down for a while.

Second point- I will not be working for two weeks. This week, and next week I am not scheduled for any hours. This is very worrisome. I'm supposed to be able to pay for gas to get to and from the RenFaire(See point 3). I was also hoping to accumulate some savings, and start paying for most of my expenses. Guess what's not happening?
This is probably the worst thing I am dealing with right now. I actually had to go into work and check the schedule. I started crying once I got back to the car.
I know the company has cut back on hours, but not getting any hours when I know my coworkers are getting 12-20 hours a week stinks. The only redeemable part of this is that my parents have agreed to let me do extra chores and stuff around the house to pay off my gas money. If my work hours keep up like this I'm going to need to find a new job.
I'm really praying hard about this. I don't know what to do. I know God's in charge and that he's going to take care of me, but I don't know what I am supposed to be doing right now. That annoys the heck out of me.

Third point- I'm starting RenFaire training and I'm scared stiff. I have no idea what I've got myself into. I'm gradually getting more and more terrified. Everything about the process has felt completely paralyzing, but at the same time, it feels like home. How warped is that?

Fourth point- I don't know if I'm going to be able to dance this summer at all. I don't know if I can take time out of my work schedule to dance. This makes me want to punch a wall.

The stupid thing is that I work so that I can have money to dance and participate in RenFaire. If I don't work- what gets eliminated? The dancing, RenFaire, or the work?

2011- The roller coaster

Now for the traditional reflection on my past year. Half of which I won't really write about. Here we go!

This year has been a whirlwind of lessons and discoveries, to say the least. Some things I learned I saw coming a mile away before they happened, and I could only brace myself for impact. Some things I was totally surprised by. Other things have been tapping me on the shoulder constantly saying "my turn."
This past year I've learned the acute feelings of loss, and joy, and the feeling of leaning on God just to get me through the day hour by hour. This past year I've fought a lot of the fears and "demons" inside of me. I've gotten through phobias, while others have been (unfortunately) cultivated and established as new things to eradicate in this new year. I'm following my dreams and so far I love it! It's hard on a day to day basis, but I'll work though this. I'm a little too stubborn to just take hardships lying down, and I can't exactly run away from myself forever.

If I could have done anything better this year- it would have been a more dedicated commitment to growing closer to God. I've probably prayed more this year, but I'm not sure if I've learned quite the right way to pray, or seek out God's wisdom. I most definitely haven't followed through in my Bible reading like I've wanted too. I had a pretty bad lapse of that in November and through most of December. It wasn't because I didn't feel like I needed God either. Bad lapse over the summer too.
This past summer (as many of you know) God made it clear that I need to pursue dancing. Only a few weeks ago (or maybe just one week- I can't tell time accurately anymore!) I got another message from Him through a friend, and that message completely shook me.

He told me He loved me.
"I love you, I love you, I love you."
"I miss you."

Two very powerful things to hear from my Lord, Father, God. Even more powerful than hearing that dance will haunt me my entire life, or that I need to look inside my heart to find the answer to what I should do with dance. I cried when He told me He loved me, because He knows just how much I struggle with the concept of love and being loved. Just the idea that He could love any bit of me is astounding. I don't understand it at all. I could only say "I'm sorry."
In return He told me, "I know." Not just the regular "Yeah, I get what you mean" type of I know. He knows. He knows me inside out and knows how much I want to return to him. So now I just have to get past myself and get back to my Father's arms.
My God loves me. It's really kind of funny because last June I said a prayer saying "God, take control of my love life. I've struggled with matters of affection and the heart all my life, I'm giving this totally over to you."
Funny things happen when you do stuff like that. Your world is turned upside down. It wasn't easy at all for me, but I know that I had to close a chapter of my life to open another. Now, I hear from God that He loves me. He loves me!
One of my goals for this year is to let God woo me. I want God to teach me and mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I want to grow closer and become more and more fearless for Him. I want to focus on the tasks he has for me right now instead of dreaming too far ahead of getting caught up in the past. I want God to take me through my fears and destroy them. They shouldn't have any power over me and I'm tired of living with them!

Last year I wrote a few reasonable resolutions. With the exception of one resolution, finishing the rough draft of my now much more massive story, I think I managed to keep to all of them in one way or another.
The one thing that will always be consistent in my resolutions is this "Grow closer to God." How that happens throughout the years I leave up to Him and whatever happens.

And maybe that rough draft will get done this year...we'll see.

College Applications

Ok God, I know you want me to dance.

I need Scholarships- huge ones. I don't want to go into debt. Even if I have to work my butt of during college, I don't want to go into debt.
I need to make the audition days. Most of them have days in February and March, so I'm safe until then.
I need a killer audition dance that will (hopefully) show off my best abilities.

God, I feel so small right now. I feel afraid. I know this is what you want me to do and where you want me to go, at least a general direction anyway.
You know how I hate giving up control. Well, I'm giving up control over where I go to college. If you want me at one of those schools, I'm sure funds will come about one way or another, I'll get my audition dance together and my applications will go though.

Once again, I can't do anything but trust in You.

I'll be Okay

A very close and dear friend, who I call my Little Brother, told me tonight "You're going to be okay, kid." Let's just say he's really into quoting stuff.
This is the guy who I've been friend with for four years, and from the beginning we've been super close. This is the guy who had pinpointed a few things about myself that I didn't even know.
No, we'll never be romantic. We're not the right type for each other in that way- we'd kill each other before a week went by. We'll always be siblings. We fight, we tease, we listen to each others problems.
Tonight I told him I was scared of settling. In the context of our conversation I meant settling when it comes to guys. In reality, I'm scared of settling in general.

So then, my little brother turns to me and says "What's the most common phrase in the Bible?"

"Fear not, for I am with you, declares the Lord."

Fear not. I have had so much fear inside me for years, and I slowly see my fears fading. Some of them might never go away. I hate living with the knowledge that there will always be some remnants of something niggling at me. Of course, maybe they just need time. I don't want to live with my fears forever. I want to be fearless.

I am not patient. I've never been patient. I know I need to work on patience. Dance is teaching me patience. I can see progress, even if it's not as fast as I'd like it to be. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm progressing even if it's not fast enough to suit my pace. I have to remind myself that I'm human, and people around me are human and we can't drop things at a whim and make things happen. Sometimes I have to wait. I have to wait a lot actually. Waiting can be hard. Too often I want the wonderful things now. But then I think, isn't the journey to those wonderful things what makes those things twice as sweet and wonderful when I receive them?

I had to wait a few months to start dance, and that was a lesson in patience that I hated. I hated how I felt like God was telling me that it's my time to start shinning, but I have to wait to start that journey until I can start lessons. ARG! We all know from my first few posts how hard that was.
It was worth it. Now I'm looking towards a time when I'll be dancing a lot during the week and I can't wait for it to kick in (pun intended)!

This year, I learn to surrender, trust in God, and not fret about when wonderful things will happen to me. They will happen. I will learn patience. I will not settle.

Little Brother, you were right. I am okay. And being Okay is an Okay place to be right now.

Tired but happy.

This week has been one of many ups and downs, but the ups made up for all the downs!
And I am extremely tired. Let's hope this post isn't rubbish.

This past Wednesday I went to the "Huge Studio" as I will nickname it for the internet. Best night of my life! I'm only in the Beg/Intermediate level, but I was challenged and learned so much, just in two classes! Each class is an hour and half and I had two of them back to back. Three hours in the most freeing experience I've had! Really, dancing makes me let go of everything else. I was nervous on my way to the studio and before class, but once classes started, I felt completely at peace. Everything just seemed to come naturally- or as naturally as it can when you're trying to keep up with a very good dance class/instructor. Everyone in my class was at least a couple years older than I was, or very near my age. One of the women had to be in her 60s, but she was keeping up just fine!
For the first time in my life- I didn't feel like I had to live up to anyone's expectations, compete with younger dancers to be as good as them because I was older, or feel like I was doing badly because I can't lift my legs as high as some of the others. I recently read a quote from a dancer that said something like "You're not there for anyone but yourself." I've been trying to apply that to my own life in dance class. I'm in class to better myself and further myself along in my dance path. If I can help someone else along the way- that'd be great, but I'm not in class to compare myself to anyone. I'm not there to prove that I belong there, because I know I belong there.
I can't really describe it in any other way that would make sense. I came home Wednesday night and the only way I could describe it was "amazing- just amazing!" It was like God was whispering in my ear "This is where you belong." I was almost in tears because I was so happy and in awe of how God has been working in my life.
On Friday I tried out the dance company at my community college. They have a nice poms team group there, but it is not the type of dance that I am looking for. Cheeleading and Pom Squad are great for some people, but those styles have never been "my thing." Also, the conversation I heard prior to "class" wasn't the most encouraging. To seal the deal, throughout the time I spent visiting the class I could tell that that wasn't the place God wanted me to be, so I left early because I had a lot to do on Friday. That's fine though! I'm going to be dancing at least 7-8 hours a week soon. To me, it doesn't seem enough. Now when I dance, I don't want to stop. I just want to push and push and keep going and going and going. I suppose I need to remember what will happen if I push too hard. I don't want to hurt myself, but I want to be dancing as much as I can.
Something else I am excited about- I have an internship for Project Dance! I've been wanting to intern for the program that helped me to this path and have a chance to give back. Now I've got that chance and can't wait for PD to start!
God has definitely been blessing me abundantly this week. Even in my few troubles this week (mostly with an annoying school assignment and very little sleep this week- I'm so exhausted) it hasn't been as hard as some of the previous weeks. Like I said a little while back- I can cope with everything SO much better when I am dancing.

"I will believe that what God has placed inside me is superior to the mountains that stand in my way."

No clue who said that quote. It's from a book I got for graduation called "Dance while you can." It's filled with quotes (though no references as to who said them).

Until something else I need to post about happens!

~Astonishing~

Re-purposed

So this title sounds slightly odd yes? Well, I shall explain.
Usually to "re-purpose" something means to change something to suit another purpose. Like turning a flashlight into a lighter. Or a flower pot into a pencil cup.

I instead take the word and use it to describe a re-focusing. Realizing something and believe that this is your purpose.

Maybe I should explain more...

Yesterday I was freaking out about going to ______ dance school (insert name of dance school here- ask me if you don't know it yet :-p). I mean, I've never gone to a professional dance studio and taken class before. It's super intimidating. I'm going there Wednesday and I've been freaking out since Sunday. I've known that this is where I need to go, and dancing is something I need to do, but it's still a really scary thing.
So last night, I get home from school (thank you night classes!) and on my desk is the DVD from my dance camp where I figured out I needed to be dancing.

So I pop in the DVD and watch the performance. I almost start crying. It was like God was tapping me on the shoulder saying "See, you can do this!" I was watching myself and thinking about how- with a few months of training, I could get so much better, and I wasn't bad at all in the DVD. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate watching myself perform. I'm HYPER critical of myself in any type of performance. So, the fact that I couldn't come up with any super huge critique- is BIG.

I guess you could say last night I renewed my affirmation that I need to go to _______ dance studio. I'm still kinda scared and nervous, but who wouldn't be? I'm sure that it's going to be okay. Now if I can keep up with work, school, and dance (not necessarily in that order). The eternal quest to keep afloat in the sea of life. Thank goodness God is my navigator.