Sunday, November 20, 2011

I'm okay, except when I'm not.

Am I losing myself, or finding myself?
Alone and surrounded at the same time.
I feircely value my independence and strength, but my body fails me and I feel like my heart lays bloody in my hands.
I challenge others to push me away, when all I want is to be pulled close.
I cannot say what I really feel or think.
I procrastinate in my faith until my Bible lays dusty on my desk.
I told myself that this was the year I would seek God's love and not the love of men. This would be the year I would start my race, keep running for however long it may be until I am surprised to find a man running beside me. Where did that first month of clinging to God and trusting that I would make it through the day go? September was a hard month. I wasn't sure what to do with myself.
Then I see faces of my past. Faces that drag me down and question my choices. Faces that I blame for my own follies, when really I have no one to blame but myself.
There is a season for everything in life. I thought my season of wondering "why" was over. Just a few words and my "whys" are abounding.
To find that a friend is still struggling, and I cannot help them leaves me feeling helpless. I want to help all of my friends. So many of them struggle, I have been told so many of the same struggles from different people.
Suicidal thoughts or tendencies
Self loathing

Last night a friend teased me about my coffee habits. I thought nothing of it, joked around about it. This morning, I was so raw I started crying over one of my friends and the first thing I thought of was- I need coffee. How stupid is that, one cup of coffee a day gives me the emotional stamina to not break down? I haven't had a breakdown all fall. Guess who is going on a coffee fast for a week? Let's see how this effects me.
Last night a different friend asked me if I was okay. To be truthful, I wasn't, but I have having a good time in the moment and didn't want to say anything. So I say the lie so often said I believe it myself, "I'm fine."
Luckily this friend sees right through me. He made me promise that I'll be okay one day. I promised him that one day I will be okay.

I went to a dance last night and had a lot of fun. I went to dance. I really just wanted to dance and have a good time. I didn't think I would come out questioning myself.
Why am I so sure of myself when I am dancing, but not any other time?

Still, if you ask me if I'm okay, I'll say "I'm fine." or "I'm good." But tonight, I'm not. I'm sad and confused and mixed up and I want a hug- but not from any of you. You see, you all are human (as I reminded another friend recently). Your arms aren't right, you're too fat or too skinny, you smell weird, you're not tall enough or you're too short.
I'm sorry if I'm cold or distant or not animated enough, or too animated. When I laugh it sounds strange in my ears, I'm happy at the oddest of moments and unhappy when I shouldn't be. I'm mixed up.
I'm sorry if I say the wrong thing, or don't say what you need to hear. I want to get away from this place, but I want to stay.

All this, and I sprained my pinkie toe. Or bruised it. I'm fine.

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