Saturday, November 5, 2011

I'll be Okay

A very close and dear friend, who I call my Little Brother, told me tonight "You're going to be okay, kid." Let's just say he's really into quoting stuff.
This is the guy who I've been friend with for four years, and from the beginning we've been super close. This is the guy who had pinpointed a few things about myself that I didn't even know.
No, we'll never be romantic. We're not the right type for each other in that way- we'd kill each other before a week went by. We'll always be siblings. We fight, we tease, we listen to each others problems.
Tonight I told him I was scared of settling. In the context of our conversation I meant settling when it comes to guys. In reality, I'm scared of settling in general.

So then, my little brother turns to me and says "What's the most common phrase in the Bible?"

"Fear not, for I am with you, declares the Lord."

Fear not. I have had so much fear inside me for years, and I slowly see my fears fading. Some of them might never go away. I hate living with the knowledge that there will always be some remnants of something niggling at me. Of course, maybe they just need time. I don't want to live with my fears forever. I want to be fearless.

I am not patient. I've never been patient. I know I need to work on patience. Dance is teaching me patience. I can see progress, even if it's not as fast as I'd like it to be. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm progressing even if it's not fast enough to suit my pace. I have to remind myself that I'm human, and people around me are human and we can't drop things at a whim and make things happen. Sometimes I have to wait. I have to wait a lot actually. Waiting can be hard. Too often I want the wonderful things now. But then I think, isn't the journey to those wonderful things what makes those things twice as sweet and wonderful when I receive them?

I had to wait a few months to start dance, and that was a lesson in patience that I hated. I hated how I felt like God was telling me that it's my time to start shinning, but I have to wait to start that journey until I can start lessons. ARG! We all know from my first few posts how hard that was.
It was worth it. Now I'm looking towards a time when I'll be dancing a lot during the week and I can't wait for it to kick in (pun intended)!

This year, I learn to surrender, trust in God, and not fret about when wonderful things will happen to me. They will happen. I will learn patience. I will not settle.

Little Brother, you were right. I am okay. And being Okay is an Okay place to be right now.

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