Sunday, January 1, 2012

2011- The roller coaster

Now for the traditional reflection on my past year. Half of which I won't really write about. Here we go!

This year has been a whirlwind of lessons and discoveries, to say the least. Some things I learned I saw coming a mile away before they happened, and I could only brace myself for impact. Some things I was totally surprised by. Other things have been tapping me on the shoulder constantly saying "my turn."
This past year I've learned the acute feelings of loss, and joy, and the feeling of leaning on God just to get me through the day hour by hour. This past year I've fought a lot of the fears and "demons" inside of me. I've gotten through phobias, while others have been (unfortunately) cultivated and established as new things to eradicate in this new year. I'm following my dreams and so far I love it! It's hard on a day to day basis, but I'll work though this. I'm a little too stubborn to just take hardships lying down, and I can't exactly run away from myself forever.

If I could have done anything better this year- it would have been a more dedicated commitment to growing closer to God. I've probably prayed more this year, but I'm not sure if I've learned quite the right way to pray, or seek out God's wisdom. I most definitely haven't followed through in my Bible reading like I've wanted too. I had a pretty bad lapse of that in November and through most of December. It wasn't because I didn't feel like I needed God either. Bad lapse over the summer too.
This past summer (as many of you know) God made it clear that I need to pursue dancing. Only a few weeks ago (or maybe just one week- I can't tell time accurately anymore!) I got another message from Him through a friend, and that message completely shook me.

He told me He loved me.
"I love you, I love you, I love you."
"I miss you."

Two very powerful things to hear from my Lord, Father, God. Even more powerful than hearing that dance will haunt me my entire life, or that I need to look inside my heart to find the answer to what I should do with dance. I cried when He told me He loved me, because He knows just how much I struggle with the concept of love and being loved. Just the idea that He could love any bit of me is astounding. I don't understand it at all. I could only say "I'm sorry."
In return He told me, "I know." Not just the regular "Yeah, I get what you mean" type of I know. He knows. He knows me inside out and knows how much I want to return to him. So now I just have to get past myself and get back to my Father's arms.
My God loves me. It's really kind of funny because last June I said a prayer saying "God, take control of my love life. I've struggled with matters of affection and the heart all my life, I'm giving this totally over to you."
Funny things happen when you do stuff like that. Your world is turned upside down. It wasn't easy at all for me, but I know that I had to close a chapter of my life to open another. Now, I hear from God that He loves me. He loves me!
One of my goals for this year is to let God woo me. I want God to teach me and mold me into the woman He wants me to be. I want to grow closer and become more and more fearless for Him. I want to focus on the tasks he has for me right now instead of dreaming too far ahead of getting caught up in the past. I want God to take me through my fears and destroy them. They shouldn't have any power over me and I'm tired of living with them!

Last year I wrote a few reasonable resolutions. With the exception of one resolution, finishing the rough draft of my now much more massive story, I think I managed to keep to all of them in one way or another.
The one thing that will always be consistent in my resolutions is this "Grow closer to God." How that happens throughout the years I leave up to Him and whatever happens.

And maybe that rough draft will get done this year...we'll see.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Hon, I was tearing up as I read this. I am SO HAPPY for you. Feeling loved by God is the best feeling, but knowing it, TRULY knowing it, inside, outside, and in every breath you take is worth every pain. And if your not there with God yet, I'll be praying He takes you there this year!