Thursday, September 1, 2011

Welcome to the World....Reality Check.

Let's see....working two jobs. Part time college student who does homework. No scheduled social interaction each week. No dance class (currently).
Yeah, I'm drowning.

It's not really the fact that I don't see my friends anymore. Or talk to them much, because I don't count texting as a "real" form of communication. You can't hear the person's voice, see their expression, or anything. Skype and talking on the phone are okay. I don't mind those. At least with the phone you can hear the other person's voice and explain long stories. Skype is even better because you can SEE the person. IN PERSON is the best. Letters are great too. Get a handwritten letter and you will be happy for a week. Or at least I will.
But having to rely on Facebook and texting? It's pathetic. I get one text from my best friend and it makes my day....does anyone else see what's wrong with this picture?

College isn't so hard. At least, I love my classes and my professors are great. I have to revise a paper I hand wrote into a five paragraph essay (typed in the computer lab tomorrow). Easy peasy. My dad drilled me on my five paragraph essays last year. I've got the system down to a T.

While not being in dance class makes me miserable and a real pill to deal with, I am teaching a dance class. I'm kind of excited. I found songs to use for the performance, and the pay isn't bad. It's a short teaching job, but I already like the kids. They work hard to get the dances and don't want me to make up easy stuff. They like to be challenged. They respect me, and I respect them. It works.
It's still not dance class....

I miss it so badly. I start dancing in my room and try to find peace, but I can't develope my leg correctly because my room isn't big enough. I go into our basement and try to dance, but the ceiling is so low I end up scraping my knuckles.
There is no place for me to dance. I hold back tears while my muscles scream at me to MOVE in the way I was made to. I apologize to my body and mind because I cannot find the place to let go and rid myself of all the tension my life in heaping on me right now.

They say God will never give you more than you can handle, and I believe it. I'm turning to him every day, begging to begin dance lessons again, begging for more time to get the things I need to do done (not that I have bad time management, I'm just busy all the time now), wanting to stop being overwhelmed.
Yet I know too well, His will be done. I believe that too. I know it's the better path anyway. I just don't like the path I'm traveling right now. Stressed out. Always tired. Can't think straight. Lonely.

I want to have one big cry and be done with it all

This past Monday I was driving home when I passed by a large hill. I've been there before, with friends. We lay in the grass, listened to music, relaxed in the summer sun. Happy memories.
Something nudged at me to turn around and go up to the top of the hill and look around. So I did. I drove to the parking lot and got out of my car and treked up the hill.
It was a clear day and I could see for miles. Over several towns and I could see the outline of the city skyline. A moment of peace fell over me as I stood there gazing over the land, soaking up the warm sun.
I need more moment like that. A time to be still.

And now, I've got to go back to holding myself together and gritting my teeth. Everything inside me screaming "TOO MUCH" and yet something inside me still says "not enough." This isn't where I want to be. It isn't enough for me.

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